[Pepsiholic2013]

I'm not sure how I should handle this situation or how to confront things (or even what to say) with a friend.

I like to learn things and look information up. Such as, we were watching a movie and surprised that the guy was painting (it was based on a true story), so I pulled out my cell phone and looked it up online to see that the man was indeed a painter and shared that information. The other friend that was with me went outside with her to smoke, and I overheard that friend saying, "I would never do something like that while we were watching a movie!" Later on I went to apologize, and she told me that it seems really competitive (e.g., seeing who can get the information first) and like I have a need for validation - and that it's pretty annoying. So I stopped - since I didn't see it as me being competitive, having a need for validation, etc. I just saw it as, if we have a question and a smart phone on us then let's use it.

A few days later we were watching another movie. Something reminded her of something, and so she whipped out her cell phone and was literally playing movie clips while we were watching the show. There's been several other times where she's done the same thing... now she says that she's rather old-fashioned and doesn't like having her cell phone, so everytime we go somewhere she puts on a big display and says, "I'm leaving my cell phone at home!"

Then the other day, when it was snowing I mentioned that I experienced more snow in Kentucky than in Delaware (come on, when I first moved to Delaware I went to my grandmother's house in shorts on Christmas Day - compared to the freezing of Kentucky). She then made a big deal to say, "I don't believe that!" and proceeded to explain that Kentucky is in the south so it's warmer and gets less snow (in reality, where I live in Kentucky isn't that much further south - and it's in the mountains and further west). She wouldn't beleive me.

Then yesterday we were out eating and I mentioned how I don't like working new jobs as a receptionist because everytime I've started a new job (three jobs so far), I've ended up getting an ear ache/infection from the ear that I hold the new phone to my ear. She then proceeded to say, "I don't believe that... I think it's because your pressing a new phone against your ear and it's the pressure that's causing the pain." She then proceeded to share that bacteria can't get into the inner part of your ear. Then when we were discussing the other friend's upcoming birthday - he said he got a coupon in the mail for a free entree at a restaurant we eat at. They agreed on Thursday, and I let them know there's an important appointment I have up north that can't be cancelled that day. I wouldn't be back in the area until 7:45 - 8 PM at the earliest - so they could either wait until then or they could eat without me. The birthday friend then said we're the three musketeers we can't eat with you - how come you'd say that!? Then the other friend said that it's because it was a test and I was testing their loyalty to see if they would respond in a manner such as "Oh we wouldn't do that with you!" That wasn't what I was thinking though, I was thinking that our birthday friends likes to eat really early after work. Besides, we were also planning a celebration outside of dinner. Our food that night came just at that time, so the issue was dropped and the subject changed.

The other day I told her about an issue I was having with my grandmother (very dysfunctional), and she said that she can't tell if I'm upset or bothered by it because I'm acting fine. I tried telling her that I've come to accept my grandmother for who she is and realize that I can't expect anything different from her - this has been very freeing for me as I've been able to move on with my life and to other relationships and I'm not getting myself stuck in this cycle of expecting her to change, getting my hopes up and being disappointed when she doesn't, etc. The friend seemed to have just disregarded everything I said, and said that seems sad that I've just come to accept things for the way they are.

When she does this - I can't help but feel so angry toward her. I'm not sure what to say or do, or who is "right" or "wrong" (if that even exist in this situation), etc.

Some advice as well as thoughts on the situation would be helpful.

[kaliope]

i provide counseling to kids and receive lots of referrals from the schools. there is one particular middle school i call the "drama capital" of the city because every girl i see that goes there reports so much drama in their relationships with their friends. i listen to them and their issues and i say, let me guess, you go to school x? reading your post about your friend so reminded me of the girls at school x. she is acting like a middle schooler. it seems she wants to control the relationship, be in charge, change the rules as she sees fit, they apply to others but not to her. you will forever have to put up with this inconsistency and lack of support if you choose to stay in this relationship because the focus needs to be on her. you can try telling her how you feel using i statements. i feel confused when i do something and it is considered rude because it seems ok in other situations. what i would like is to understand why when i do something it is considered attention seeking but when others do it it is ok. i might try i feel really hurt/confused when i hear all these negative comments made about my behavior because i dont understand how my friendship can be appreciated if there are so many negative opinions of me. what i would like to know is what there is to value about my friendship. just an idea.......i dont like drama myself and wouldnt bother with her anymore. i believe my friendship is a valuable commodity and i am not going to waste it on someone who doesnt appreciate me. take care.

[elepheyes]

I have had friends like that. If you can confront her about her actions and tell her how it makes you feel; how she responds to your sincere feeling will pretty much tell you if she is a real friend. True friends also do not do things to make you feel worse about yourself. Plus here actions make her seem extremely insecure and as if she is trying to make you insecure, too.

[hvert]

Kaliope, that's so interesting that one school is more dramatic than all the rest.

OP, this doesn't sound like a very good friend. She sounds more like a frenemy. Do you think that she is aware that she is being obnoxious? Or is she oblivious to it? I think that I engaged in similar behaviors as your friend when I was younger. I didn't mean anything by it, I was just a bit rude. As I got older, I saw how off-putting I could be and tried to tone it down.

If you tell your friend, right in the moment, that you find her comment rude, her behavior might improve. If she accuses you of need validation because you use your phone: Sorry, Sue. That might be true for you, but it's not my experience. You might not be aware, but that comment sounds really accusatory.

Sometimes just a shocked expression and a 'Wow' when someone does something rude is good, too.

With the snow: "Sorry, I don't understand. Are you saying that you are surprised to hear that there is more snow here than there? Or are you accusing me of lying?"