[Alishia88]

I have a lot of inner anger against my mother and I wanted to write about it, so here it is.

My father died from cancer when I was 21 and after that I wanted to move away from home into another city for school.

My mother totally flipped out over that, got really mad and aggressive (she´s also an alcoholic) and basically told me,screamed at me that I couldn´t do it, I couldn´t live alone, I couldn´t manage without her. At that time I thought "what nonsense" really, and I told her I´d do it wether she liked it her not because I was an adult. She let me go but it was more like "whatever, you are on your own then, do whatever, go, I don´t care"

I moved away but felt no support from anywhere and I developed anxiety because I knew I had noone to fall back on, not my mother not my father or other family if anything went wrong. I also developed anorexia which got very bad and caused other physical problems for me so in the end I had to move back home to my mother again.

But by that time, she had already "moved on" from me, I think she had gotten "over" me, she had learned to be without me, to busy herself without me. I think she also still resented me because I had moved away from her.
I lived with her, but she always made me feel like an unwanted guest, not like her child, like she didn´t want me around.

I´d have liked to move away from her, and also her drinking, but the anxiety and other mental health issues made it impossible for me to study and work enough to afford my own place (I studied at the local university then). I tried anyway, but it only made all the mental issues worse so in the end I couldn´t do anything anymore and I went to a psych. clinic.

Even at my worst mental state, she completely ignored me, she never asked how I was or talked to me. When I went to the clinic, she acted as if I went on vacation or something.

I really want to get away from her but with the anxiety, insomnia etc it´s difficult to work enough so that I can afford it...
Which is why I have been thinking about medication lately, so that maybe I could.

I think I just wanted to write that out...
I know that other people have much much worse parents than me, that are really abusive in other ways... but this is how I feel and I know I am entitled to feel that (I´m also in therapy, where I learned that )

[Fuzzybear]

[Alishia88]

thanks you 2

[CosmicRose]

I think you should try to get back to that state of mind you had prior to leaving your mom's house, where you were so determined to make it on your own and be independent. From what I gather, the only thing that caused you to move back into your mom's house was the anorexia. You were feeling anxiety which is somewhat normal for any adult who has just ventured out on their own, it's a nerve-wracking experience for everyone. You just didn't learn the right coping skills to deal with that normal anxiety, so you turned to food control and developed anorexia, which was your downfall that made you move back in with your mother.
This is actually good news, because to me, it means you CAN make it on your own - as long as you don't develop an eating disorder again.
You just need to get that same motivation and determination back that you had before you left, saying "Nothing can stop me because I'm an adult." And don't limit your food intake next time. There are so many other healthy alternatives to managing stress. Exercising at a gym is a very popular way to manage stress, there's also yoga or meditation, there's also healthy clean eating, there's home hobbies that you can take up like soap making or cooking or writing or reading or a sport or gardening or camping.

Go out and prosper. Have fun, take the pressure off. Your mother might have turned the grief she felt from losing your father into misguided anger towards you leaving because she felt abandoned or something. It's not right of her to think that, but since she's an alcoholic, she obviously has deep routed issues that cause her to act out in ways that might not be very logical.

So get away from her toxic attitude. At least you KNOW you can make it on your own, just don't develop anorexia again, and you should be golden.

Originally Posted by Alishia88

I have a lot of inner anger against my mother and I wanted to write about it, so here it is.

My father died from cancer when I was 21 and after that I wanted to move away from home into another city for school.

My mother totally flipped out over that, got really mad and aggressive (she´s also an alcoholic) and basically told me,screamed at me that I couldn´t do it, I couldn´t live alone, I couldn´t manage without her. At that time I thought "what nonsense" really, and I told her I´d do it wether she liked it her not because I was an adult. She let me go but it was more like "whatever, you are on your own then, do whatever, go, I don´t care"

I moved away but felt no support from anywhere and I developed anxiety because I knew I had noone to fall back on, not my mother not my father or other family if anything went wrong. I also developed anorexia which got very bad and caused other physical problems for me so in the end I had to move back home to my mother again.

But by that time, she had already "moved on" from me, I think she had gotten "over" me, she had learned to be without me, to busy herself without me. I think she also still resented me because I had moved away from her.
I lived with her, but she always made me feel like an unwanted guest, not like her child, like she didn´t want me around.

I´d have liked to move away from her, and also her drinking, but the anxiety and other mental health issues made it impossible for me to study and work enough to afford my own place (I studied at the local university then). I tried anyway, but it only made all the mental issues worse so in the end I couldn´t do anything anymore and I went to a psych. clinic.

Even at my worst mental state, she completely ignored me, she never asked how I was or talked to me. When I went to the clinic, she acted as if I went on vacation or something.

I really want to get away from her but with the anxiety, insomnia etc it´s difficult to work enough so that I can afford it...
Which is why I have been thinking about medication lately, so that maybe I could.

I think I just wanted to write that out...
I know that other people have much much worse parents than me, that are really abusive in other ways... but this is how I feel and I know I am entitled to feel that (I´m also in therapy, where I learned that )

I empathize - I have always wanted to move somewhere that winters are not so harsh. now with the distance that has taken over between my sons and me - there is nothing holding me back, but I have to get myself strong first - right now i'm too emotional - too all over the scale. its a good reason to get hold of myself - If I ever do then is the time to go. Not good to make a big move when you're just glued together, just setting ourselves up for failure. Maybe you can leave her - if that's what you what i hope you can but get yourself together first please. Don't put yourself in a nightmare scenario in a strange place and just your insecurities.