[Dan208]

I honestly don't know why I'm posting this. Maybe I just need to vent. Anyway, my wife and I have been married for 15 years, together for almost 20. I've always know she hasn't been the most motivated person to cook, clean, etc, but here recently it's wearing more and more on my nerves. I do 99.9% of all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, housework....you get the point. I'm the one that gets our daughter's lunch and school stuff ready, gives her a bath and puts her to bed each night. I always have to cook supper when I get home, despite the fact that my work hours vary and I can get home anywhere between 4:00 and 7:00, while she's off work at 2:30 every day (and she works from home). Yes, she does do overtime, but it's not every day and it is usually later in the evening. She never thanks me for anything I do or shows any type of appreciation. Don't get me wrong, I'm not out for accolades, I do it because it needs to be done, but a "Thanks for all you do" once in a while would be nice.

Our relationship has never been based on sex, but I do like intimacy. We have sex maybe once or twice every few months. I realize that she's not happy with her body, but no matter what I do or say I can't get her to realize that non of that matters to me and I find her attractive just the way she is.

She's also the type of person that wants this and that and this done, but never wants to help with any of it. Or, she'll start a project and quit midway through it, and I'm left finishing it. She's the one that brought home our cats but I'm the one that has to feed them and clean the litter box. She's the one that wanted a dog, I'm the one that feeds her and takes her out in the middle of the night (or anytime for that matter), and then she wonders why she's more attached to me than to her.

I could go on, but we'd be here all day. Like I said, I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just getting it off my chest. Lord know I can't talk to her about it (she's more like her mother than she wants to admit).

Dan

[kaliope]

hi dan
it sounds to me like you just wanted to vent. that is what we are here for. question? what would happen if you didnt do it all? i get the impression this has been going on for quite some time, but look way back. is it possible she does nothing because you have it all handled? would she have gotten to it in her own time if you hadnt jumped in and taken care of it? sometimes we end up doing it all because we are not satisfied waiting around for others to do it in their own way and time. we want it done our way, the right way...lol...so we end up doing it ourselves because we are frustrated waiting and watching for someone else to do it their way. i am like this at work. i will ask an intern to do something and a half hour later if it is not done than i will tell them forget it and do it myself. i dont even give them a chance really, i just take over.

so this is just an idea. she may be just like her mother. i dont know...lol

[Dan208]

You are pretty spot on with the cleaning. I came from a family where my mom always had things in order and neat (almost OCD level), so if something isn't done a certain way or in a somewhat timely manner, I tend to get antsy.

[Fuzzybear]

[hvert]

What about sitting down with her to make a list of chores you divide up evenly? I find that I have to do that every couple of months just to get us back on track...

[I really broken]

I find myself in a similar situation and I'm lost as to what to do. I am losing all faith in my wife. Let's start here at one point she was truly my best friend. I got lucky but me being a lover of absolute chaos I almost mucked it all up. Well in the end I was able to set myself straight and we where doing amazing like old times. Well one evening I was drowning in my own head and we had a discussion about it and as the evening progressed I came across her text to the neighbor explaung my "pity party" to her. And now we barely talk she has shirked all responsibility in the house and sleeps till she has to head to work. I can deal with her ignoring me but our 2 little ones are beginning to say they miss there mommy. And if I try to say something to her she just says she's a piece of **** and thats it. I love her whole heart and soul but I am out of my brain with what to do. My mental state has broke in half. I work thirds and I don't sleep because I have to care for the house and kids. I have lost touch with reality but force myself to push forward but I'm running out of steam fast and its getting worse. I am sorry for this rant

[Rose76]

Sorry Dan, sounds like you've got it pretty tough. I'm glad for the sake of your little girl that someone makes sure she's got lunch and gets a bath each eve. Is your wife a lot younger than you? There must be some reason that she contributes so little. Does she have major health problems?

This doesn't sound like a situation that can be changed very much. Someday, at least, maybe you'll have the heartfelt gratitude of your daughter.

[ChipperMonkey]

Your situation sounds like the one with my mom and dad. My dad did it all...cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. My mom did nothing. My mom has MDD. She could have done more. I don't buy that its due only to her depressive disorder. She refused to take on any responsibility for anything (and is the same to this day).

[Dan208]

hvert-We tried that in the past. About 10 or so years ago I was going through EMT training. It was 3 nights a week and I had to drive 45 minutes home one way from work, only to leave shortly after and drive about the same distance in the other direction for class. She said she would take care of the dishes and such while I was going through the training (lasted about 7 months). She did the dishes exactly two times in that entire time period. Just recently we decided to put our house up on the market. I told her that if she wanted me to get all this stuff done (painting, some light remodeling, etc) that I was going to need help with the housework. She agreed, but it only lasted about a week or so. I was right back to where I was before.

Rose-We are the same age. She is "technically" considered overweight, but not morbidly so. She also suffers from anxiety but has yet to seek help, which I understand because it took me a long time to do the same. I know that she loves our daughter and she does show her lots of affection, she just doesn't do a whole lot of work taking care of her. I guess that could also partly be my fault. From day one I was always a very hands on father, never hesitating to change her diapers, feed her, etc.

[hvert]

Kaliope's post hit the nail on the head for my situation. It really is aggravating. I have a similar issue and no real idea of how to fix it. I keep feeling like if I got us to a stable state where the house looked decent instead of disastrous, he would be motivated to help more - but it's not just the cleaning and cooking. I do all the bills and all the shopping. If we need a repair, I coordinate it -- and of the two of us, I am much busier than he is.

I have tried just not doing stuff, but that just means neither of us are doing the cleaning or chores because we are both slobs. I wonder about establishing some kind of set time where we all work on chores. If your daughter is old enough, it could be a family affair, every day at 6:00 you each do your 15 minute chore for the day?

In my situation, I don't think there is any mental issue. I think that he has no idea what it takes to run a house because I've always done everything. I also think that there are some control issues on my part. He doesn't want to go shopping because I am going to complain about him buying the wrong things. I also don't like what he cooks. I make a special effort to make food we both will like and to get it on the table at a reasonable time. He doesn't.

I am trying to let go of that stuff, but at the same time, I resent that I have to.

For me, it helps to remember that I can't do it all. I don't always cook dinner anymore and I am done running all the errands. Is hiring someone or outsourcing some of your tasks an option for you?

If you figure out how to fix this, please let us know!

[Dan208]

Really no options for hiring any help. We just sold our house and bought a new, larger one, so we're trying to save as much as possible (we aren't in financial trouble, but we want to make sure that it doesn't happen down the road). There isn't really a whole lot to do to the new house right away, so I hope that helps the situation some. We do have a plan to change our bad habits so I hope those will start steering us in the right direction. We'll actually have decent neighbors, so we probably won't spend all our time cooped up inside the house like we do now.

I'm hoping this is all a change for the better and can get us on track.

[Rose76]

Good Luck, Dan, with the new house. It's nice to have neighbors who you may be able to build friendship with.

Your wife is deep in the habit of not doing much around the house, which may have been a habit with her growing up. Something like this is apt to have deep roots. As I don't need to tell you, it's a tough thing to change.

This is also not good for your daughter to have this kind of role modeling of what a woman brings to a relationship. I don't know what you can do. But you say you have a plan, and that is where you start with anything. Sounds like you may need to bring in a third party to give your wife objective feedback. I'm not a believer that therapy is the answer to everything. But it might be a component of the solution for your family. Your wife is going to have thousands of excuses of why she doesn't stick to what you guys plan out. They'll seem valid to her. An objective observer might help her to see that she is following a bad pattern.

I say congrats for acknowledging your feelings. Nice to be real ain't it? Wishing it was otherwise but IT IS WHAT IT IS. the truth shall set you free.

[Dan208]

You are right, Rose. She grew up with her mother doing everything around the house, which is ironic because now she does no housework at all and their house is absolutely disgusting.

Like I said, hopefully us moving to a new house and starting to work on our diets and making some other lifestyle changes will help things change, but I know that it won't happen overnight.

Thanks for letting me vent, everyone.