[unplugmealready]

Please pull this to pieces, analyze it, do whatever. This is my deperate letter that I want to send to my wife in the hopes of reaching a conclusion. Feel free to judge:

You say you love me but you can't.
Whenever I want to say something its never the right time. And if it is I can't think of what to say. Maybe I'm not cut out for this.
Please take a moment to reflect on the past few years and ask yourself, is this marriage working?
Because for me it isn't. I don't feel loved. I don't feel wanted. I don't feel attractive. Ok so I suffer wth mental health issues anyway. But no.
That's not why. I get hardly any attention. I get no compliments. I get no sexual contact. If you count how many times we were intimate last year and this year so far, it could be counted on one hand.
I can't do it anymore. I can't live this restricted and starved. There is always excuses and there always will be.
Its always "we'll work on it, it'll get better, I've not been well, you've not been well" etc.
It's driving me mad. I won't lie, I am planning my escape right now. Thats not what a marriage should be.
I worry about our son also. I love him and I hate the idea of breaking his heart. Plus I don't want to be without him in my life. So what am I supposed to do? What can I do?
You don't leave me with much of a choice. I wanted for this marriage to work but it just doesn't. Because our relationship gets put on the backburner.
Im also scared of leaving because of finances and because I fear how you would react, especially if is like the last time.
I don't want to cheat on you and I don't want to have an affair. But you don't show me any affection. So I am left with 3 options.
Leave and try to move on with my life while being the best father I can be, have an affair and live a lie or continue living like this and "man up".
I just don't know what to do or what to suggest. And I never know what to say.
This isn't a threat or me trying to scare monger you into sleeping with me again. Its an act of desperation.
I don't know what to do. I am going to book an appointment with the doctor to try and get a refferal to a counciller. But I think you should seriously look at our situation more carefully and ask yourself,
is this working? Because the answer for me is most definitely not. We both need to be happy and although you may be in your situation,
I am not. Sorry to bring this on you but I do not know any other way to communicate this to you.
I also do not want to upset you either, that is not my intention. But I need to consider my own happiness in all of this also.
Sorry. I know this doesn't exactly have a conclusion but as I said. I don't know what to do.

[Sad In TX]

Wow. This letter is incredibly sad. It reminds me of what I said to my ex-husband when I left, only we didn't have children.

I guess from you writing this there is no communication at all?

A small piece of advice - I wouldn't threaten cheating. While I understand your frustration with your marriage, the last thing you want to do is imply that you're going to look elsewhere for comfort. Also, if you guys do separate/divorce, a divorce attorney in her regard is going say that is what you are doing just what you implied (whether you are or not) and could jeopardize you getting to see your child.

Make it clear that you are unhappy with her, the situation, and why you feel you should leave. But leave out the threat of looking for outside comfort. For your sake.

I'm really sorry for what you are going through, and I know that none of this is easy. I wish you the best, and hopefully at least your letter will start some sort of dialogue - no matter the outcome.

[unplugmealready]

Originally Posted by Sad In TX

Wow. This letter is incredibly sad. It reminds me of what I said to my ex-husband when I left, only we didn't have children.

I guess from you writing this there is no communication at all?

A small piece of advice - I wouldn't threaten cheating. While I understand your frustration with your marriage, the last thing you want to do is imply that you're going to look elsewhere for comfort. Also, if you guys do separate/divorce, a divorce attorney in her regard is going say that is what you are doing just what you implied (whether you are or not) and could jeopardize you getting to see your child.

Make it clear that you are unhappy with her, the situation, and why you feel you should leave. But leave out the threat of looking for outside comfort. For your sake.

I'm really sorry for what you are going through, and I know that none of this is easy. I wish you the best, and hopefully at least your letter will start some sort of dialogue - no matter the outcome.

Thank you. I have taken out the cheating part. After I re-read it I realised it looked like a threat and not a nice thing to say. Plus that isn't my intentions. I just want to be loved and understood. But I just feel she doesn't or maybe cannot.

[kelly8896]

I’m sorry you are going through this. I understand you feel hurt, not appreciated or even desired. However, after reading it, and trying to put myself in her shoes as though I was her reading it, I would feel attacked and immediately go on the defense.
Try to stick to using “I” instead of “You”. Stick to factual descriptions and how it makes you feel.

“When you [state their behavior], then [results of their behavior], and I feel [how you feel].”

Always keep the end in mind. How do you want this conversation to end, do you want the relationship to succeed? I’d say taking baby steps is the way to go, so that you can open some lines of communication. Stating things just to get them off your chest and make yourself feel better isn’t necessarily going to help rebuild the relationship or open up communication. Vent here on this site or make a journal. Then go back to the drawing board with a more positive outlook.

Don’t state what you don’t get, state what you want. (I get hardly any attention. I get no compliments. I get no sexual contact. If you count how many times we were intimate last year and this year so far, it could be counted on one hand.)

Instead state, “I need or want more attention from you, I’d love more compliments, it makes me feel loved and appreciated, making love to you is very important to me. I’d like to work on making our marriage a priority. Would you consider a date night, once a week. Ask if she is willing to see a counselor with you.

I read another post in which another member posted a few links on relationships and communication. Check this link out and see if it helps you in writing or communicating your feelings in a positive, loving way that doesn’t put her on the defense or make her shut down.

Learn Assertive Communication in Five Simple Steps

I agree with Sad in TX in not saying anything about affairs, again this comes across and a threat.

Good Luck!

[Seeyalater]

I take it you have told her how you feel? If so, have you explained it in detail? Some people think they have communicated their feelings or wants to their spouse and really they haven't. Have you sat down with her one on one. Step by step, for instance explained about you not getting enough attention. If so, how did she respond? Did you explain and how did she respond?
Communication is a key to marriage. Dont give hints or think others can read what your mind is saying. Please sit down and have a conversation with her so that she understands your wants.
Please keep the affairs completely out of your conversation. Its just better that way and no one will get hurt.

Kelly8896 had good advice for you.

[healingme4me]

I agree about the rewording of the letter.
Possibly toss in a desire to set a good relationship example for your son, so that he can grow up knowing what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. Then get into details about your needs, wants, desires, dreams goals.

Not much worse than feeling starved in a marriage.

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[hannabee]

From reading your previous posts, this has been going on for a bit now, hasn't it? Did you decide you should go to counseling with or without your wife? It might be a good idea for your own mental health.
Appreciation, reciprocation and sex are a huge part of successful marriages. You do need to let her know how you are feeling and if a letter is the only way, then take Kelly's advice when you draft the final copy.
It is indeed unfortunate that there are children in the mix. There is no doubt in my mind that they will be deeply affected by a divorce, no matter how hard you both try to make it okay for them.
I sincerely hope you can work this out with your wife and I wish you the best.

[unplugmealready]

Thank you all for your advice. I had unfortunately already sent it this morning and instantly regretted doing so. I didn't include the cheating bit though and I did re word it slightly. But I am slightly relieved that it's out in the open now. All I want is to have a marriage and it actually be a marriage. Not 2 separate human beings under one roof who share a child. I am going to try to work it out with her because I've not yet given up. But it's going to take some work.

I am so sorry.

Yes. It does sound desperate.
But desperate is NOT how you want to sound.

[brainhi]

It is soooo hard to change and so many things to change. Maybe others can pipe in..... those who have stayed and the marriage is now better. I do not know everything about you obviously....

There are many reason why my husband and I did not make it. I have no regrets.. but near the end one of the things I told him... I am a very passionate person and I cannot live without it. For us there were too many resentments - I always was taking care of my mental health.... I longed for him to WANT to get help to make things better for us.

No children - 3 dogs.... that was hard enough I cannot image what many of you go through when you have to separate with children involved.

[unplugmealready]

It's eating away at me. I spoke with my sister this morning. She is supportive but both she and my parents apparently feel it will be inevitable and they think if I stay it will only be for my son.

[brainhi]

It is nice you have support. Many will have their opinions but it's your life and it's up to you to decide how you want to handle it. Do you want to try to work on it? Do you want to walk away? You are in pain now... how long can it last? - no one knows. It will also be painful letting go. Good or bad you have history.

Not sure if you are getting outside support (I see you are working on this - smart move) - someone not emotionally attached to you - they may be able to help you sort this out objectively.