[The_Nelg_Effect]

Hello everyone,

I wasn't for sure where I should post this at first. I'm really at my wits end and seeing if "venting" as my wife advised me to try is something that will be good for me, as well as seeking advise and opinions from random strangers. As they say, a stranger is a friend you have yet to meet. *deep breath* Hear it goes. Warning: Wall of text incoming.

I'm a 27 year old male. I worked as a Security EMT, but was recently terminated. I have a job offer for the CDCR. So, for the time being, I am trying to find either gainful employment until the start of there academy or drawn unemployment until that happens.

Now, enough with the introduction.

My issue seems to be stemming from my relationship with my wife. For a low down, I'm sexually frustrated, feeling alone, and I am feeling unwanted. My wife was diagnosed with Borderline Personalty Disorder last summer and had attended some classes for it, but had stopped going. I'm trying my best to understand what she's going though, but at the same time, I am growing tired of the constant up-and-down emotions. I grow frustrated when she accuses me of not caring enough when she mentions her BPD.

We have been married for 2 years, while we had been in a relationship for 5. Even though my libido has always been higher then hers, up until the end of last year, we had a fairly active sex life. About 2 to 3 times a week. While yes, I would have loved for more intimacy, I felt like we both had a connection. I also realise that, me being 6'4 and her 5'0", size really DOES play a difference in what we can and can't do. I've tried to get her to open up about her desires, but she always seemed content with vanilla, and always seemed to shut down otherwise.

That all said, we had also felt a little rocky in our relationship. We had started attending marriage counseling in January. In our second sesion, she had dropped a bombshell on me. She had mentioned her experiencing a spiritual self-rediscovery and had felt that she had been "giving up her body" without thinking of her own self. She had stated that it was always what the man wanted and mentioned she didn't know if her future was with me still, but wanted to work it out.

Fast forward to now. Every time I've tried to hug her, she always felt distant. When I brought this up today, she states that she always feels overly focused on what she is currently doing. I haven't approached her for sex, but I had vented my frustrations, especially after finding out that she had signed up for a fetish site. I had asked her that, if she felt no sexual desire, why did she feel the need to go to a sex site? She had gotten defensive, but at the same time had given me her login that I plan on *not* using.

I tried to explain what her BPD, me losing my job, and trying to be understanding with her stuff is doing to me. I feel like I have to keep up a "ideal Southern Male" front, because every time I've tried to shoot the breeze with friends, it gets turned into a "Dude, F*** her and drink!"

I know that I could of put more into this, but I'm more venting and trying to still collect my thoughts.

Thank you in advance,

Nelg

[healingme4me]

When is she returning to therapy? A couple sessions, does not a recovered bpd make.

It's good that she's rediscovering her sexual side or truth, however, the marriage is now experiencing an emotional void. Never mind any other form of intimacy.

I hope others have more insight...

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[The_Nelg_Effect]

Honestly, it depends on insurance soon. She was able to go for free from my plan, but as I am no longer employed those benifits went out the window. She was given the option of a semester style layout and fel"overwhelmed" working and doing the sessions once a week.

I tried to encourage her to go, but I feel like she only takes advice from anyone not me.

[Ruftin]

(((The_Nelg_Effect))) Oh my!!! You are really trying to be a southern gentleman. I admire you're patience with your wife. BPD is such a challenge. My question to you is why would your wife give you her login to the fetish site if she only goes for Vanilla? Do you think she's shy/embarassed about voicing her desires and is using the site to tell you? Something to think about...Welcome to Psych Central!!! I'm glad you're here!!!

[The_Nelg_Effect]

I thought of that, and part of her choice of giving me the info is that she thinks I think she cheats. There was a time where she felt an attraction to someone else years ago that almost caused a break up, so I can understand that. And sorry for typos, I am typing this on my Galaxy S4

[Ruftin]

[QUOTE=The_Nelg_Effect;4387848]I thought of that, and part of her choice of giving me the info is that she thinks I think she cheats. There was a time where she felt an attraction to someone else years ago that almost caused a break up, so I can understand that. And sorry for typos, I am typing this on my Galaxy S4[/QUOT


Do you think her meds may be decreasing her libido? They can kill it actually. Perhaps she's using the site to jump start herself.

[The_Nelg_Effect]

I forgot to mention she absolutely refuses to take pharmaceutical meds, leaning more to homeopathic remidies.

[ChipperMonkey]

A LOT of women with BPD have a sexual abuse history, and based on her behavior when it comes to sexual activity, I'm guessing that this is an avenue that needs to be explored.

The truth is that for BPD, meds typically don't work. What about therapy? DBT is the standard therapy for BPD.

[Ruftin]

Originally Posted by The_Nelg_Effect

I forgot to mention she absolutely refuses to take pharmaceutical meds, leaning more to homeopathic remedies.

Some homeopathic remedies also affect libido...they too can have side effects. Mental illness, if not treated properly can affect libido, as well. Some other areas mental illness can effect treated or untreated, self esteem, self image, distorted perception of others intentions, self worth, numbness, inability to feel loved, etc.........Therapy would help in these areas. I'm sorry you are in such pain from this. I hope things will improve. Have you tried giving one another oil massages. Tell her how beautiful you find each area you massage as you do it and reassure her your only intention is to give her a massage and stick to it!!! Some woman feel that when a man touches her all he wants is sex, and at times women just want to cuddle. Try this several times. It's a way to be physically close without actually doing the act. It's at least touch. Right? Please tell me to shut up if I'm not helping you in anyway.

[The_Nelg_Effect]

DBT was helping her. Thing is she tends to find reasons to quit things she starts. Try massages but only one way. Keep trying though. Right now I just hope to get a connection back but I don't know honestly if it will come back, especially if the job I am getting sends me across the state.

[Ruftin]

(((The_Nelg_Effect))) __________

[Gabbyr1987]

Im sorry to hear that about your wife. The sex thing is a weird topic for myself although i love my partner and i enjoy the act of sex it does not always work out in my favor in the end which is frustrating. Thankfully i was able to talk to him about. Reasons your wife can't or wont discuss it is for some reason once you open up about it it feels like there is more pressure to get it "right" and the fear of letting the man down and making him feel like a failure when in all its not the guys fault its whats going on inside of us. The fetish site could be something she fantasizes about but can't admit it. I prefer vanilla because its the only way i can relax and get the "job" done persay. However i do wish i could be more spontaneous and out of my comfort zone. So she may feel like if she tells you then you try it and it doesnt go well its another embarasment and failure for her. Getting her to somehow open up is the first step and trust me it will be hard. Here i am a complete stranger and i can share my side which seems similar to hers but i can barley tell my partner. I just decided one day hey you know what he loves me and i want to have a better more successful sex life and i don't want to hurt him but i need to find away to fight my demons and the only way to do it is by opening up to your partner.

[Seeyalater]

Props to you for not listening to the guys. Easy for them to say. I wonder how they treat their partners if they have one.
Communication is a big factor. Even is you have to take baby steps to reach her.

Mental illness sucks....for everyone It's a true test of devotion, for sure.

How did you "find out" about the fetish site?

If she left you clues, then she wants you to explore this with her. Likewise if she gave you her login information.

I would find out what she likes, and if you want to go that way with her, keeping in mind that at this point it's simply an idea on her part (I'm guessing she's read a particular book...)
If it doesn't interest you, then you need to tell her that, clearly.

And I agree. A lot of guys are just full of false bravado. Stay a gentleman....

And keep venting. I have found it to be most helpful, especially here.