[Pretty.lonely]

Never in my life have I ever used an online discussion group before but at this point in my life I literally feel like I have no one else to talk to

Let me start off by saying I'm 27 years old I'm honestly attractive I have an amazing job I work at a bank I have a gorgeous two bedroom apartment with high-end furniture clothing and a bunch other materialistic things that seem to make me happy but don't really mean ****

I come from a dysfunctional family my mother is a born-again Christian living with a disability from a bad car accident brain injury to be exact which makes her act and say weird things at times and my father he's alive rich and well but emotionally financially unavailable for the past 20 years of my life

I've heard the term daddy issues and I wonder if all my problems in life come from childhood regret of spending countless times crying begging writing letters phone calls text messages from my dad to be in my life

My mother has always done absolutely everything to help me and keep me healthy and happy but when I depend on her for certain things it makes me feel worthless to think I'm 27 and I still have my mother helping me here and there when she lives on a disability check and a line of credit and doesn't have money herself and my father lives 10 minutes away that doesn't even acknowledge I exist

My very first serious job I worked out was a call center and I was there for three years I thought that I dressed pretty stylish and I was fun to be around but no one ever wanted to sit with me or talk to me I begin to think I was unapproachable until one day the bully of the call center told me I look like the penguin from Batman and asked me why I wear the same black pants every day which is not true I do wear black dress pants pretty much every day because it's flattering to my figure but that's besides the point I felt insulted and humiliated in my own workplace from then I quit my job and I was collecting welfare and begin eating a lot of fast food I stopped working out to be clearly honest I ballooned to 210 pounds i'm only about 5 foot two I'm one of those people that doesn't carry weight well either I have a huge double chin a fat lower stomach and cellulite chunky legs

People always tell me I'm so beautiful and I know I have a pretty face and good style but my body I'd never seemed to get it back a friend had introduced me to escorting where I decided I could pay the bills and just enjoy life traveling drinking smoking weed hanging out with criminals and other people. That were living bad foul lifestyles I was the type of girl that would take half naked pictures and put it on Instagram so all the black guys that were pimps and rappers would desire me and think I was cool let me tell you I am not cool at all for doing that I ended up becoming an escort I ended up getting robbed twice by people that I considered my friends I've had my naked pictures exploited allover sites like the dirty.com and all over social media we're friends and family have seen it to the point where my own blood brother doesn't even want anything to do with me and turns other members of the family against me

I decided to move to a new city outside of Toronto where it wasn't so busy and ended up finding another job to be honest I did escort for a month from when my job was starting and from when I moved into my new apartment because I did honestly sincerely need the money for rent and other bills until the first paycheck started to kick in

I ended up meeting this guy he was my age at the time so 23 we kicked off immediately had a great time I didn't see him as a customer and he didn't see me as someone offering the service it was just really natural from that Daon I told him I wanted to get to know him and I honestly never went back to escorting a few months had passed and it was Christmas time I wanted to make extra money to buy him a present because at the time we were about three months in and it was going great he would be over at my house every day he would text me and tell me that he misses me and all types of cute stuff so basically on New Year's eve I decided to escort with my girlfriend to bring some extra cash well come to find out the very next day Christmas Day in front of me about what he saw online ever since then he tried to say he was moving to a different city to go to school and he wouldn't be able to see me because I felt like he was trying to cut me off but I loved him so much at that time I had never felt excepted by anyone like I did with him that I did everything I could to make him stay he finally came back into my life a couple weeks later took me out for my birthday but it just wasn't the same from that point on it became kind of like a strange situation he would still come over and cuddle with me and tickle my back and talk cute but instead of us going out in public anymore he only wanted to just hang out at my house and have sex...

For the past three years we've been having sex he acts like he wants to be with me but I've never met any of his friends I've never met his family and he will say things to me like I'm never going to be with you but then ask like he's joking because the next day he'll tell me that he cares about me and he misses me and he wants me in his life

I continued escorting after he broke up with me and I was very open about it on social media which caused a lot of drama for my life and finally one day I just said I've had enough I'm not happy I feel disgusting I want more I got hired at the bank and it was the happiest day of my entire life he actually acted at Ases if he was happy for me and proud of me

From that day I went to work went to the gym came home went to bed repeat for six months straight didn't do any type of work to make any other type of money just lived paycheck to paycheck and I was bored and lonely but I was sincerely at peace with myself and I was happy

One month ago I had a situation where I gotten a car accident and I needed $600 for my deductible of my insurance to cover the damages so I can get my car back and be able to get back-and-forth from work of course I message my girlfriend on Instagram and asked her if she wanted to share a hotel room and make some money because I needed some quick cash just my luck since he had my password he saw what I had said he called me out on it and said some really harsh stuff like he will never be with me no matter what he doesn't want to girl that any guy can have and I'm a ***** and I will never be anything more than that and honestly it hurt because I didn't want to lie to him this is the same thing that happened before I said I quit and I didn't but I feel he doesn't understand that sometimes when I need extra money I felt like that was my only resource because I didn't think he would give me The money or help me out because he's always telling me he's not my boyfriend and he doesn't do anything other then treat me like a booty call so I want to go to him for money but of course after the fact he makes it seem like I'm wrong for what I did

He's told me before in the past that he lies about talking to girls and that he says certain things to upset me because I get bothered so easily almost like he enjoys it but after what had happened he told me he had a girlfriend and he was cuddled up with her which I automatically thought it was a lie because he was trying to hurt me because I heard him by lying again about the

So after a few weeks past I decided to text him and ask him if he was honestly serious when he said he had a girlfriend he told me at the time he didn't but he does now and I had literally just left with him the day before he told me that in my world fell like it was completely crumbling downwRd

He told me that he wants a nerd a girl that goes to school a girl that has a good job a girl that doesn't sleep with guys for money girl that never would even imagine doing that and I was offended to think that he would say those things I changed my entire life to try make him happy and make him proud sorry I don't have enough money to go to college sorry that I slept with guys for money in the past I just don't understand why I gave him a key to my house and all my passwords still insecure and does not trust me

I love him more than anything in this entire world and I would do anything to keep him happy all my friends and family say he's not good and he treats me bad but I'm at the point where I'm scared that I'm 27 years old with no children no husband I don't own a house I don't drive a luxury vehicle and I just feel very aloneeeee

Very alone should be obvious considering I just wrote a mini novel on the discussion board that people will probably not even read because it's so long someone help I don't know what to do the friends I do have only message me when it's convenient for them I don't really go out and do anything fun and I have no one else to turn to for advice

[Crazy Hitch]

Hello pretty.lonely

Thank you for introducing yourself to us. This is a great place to be for online support.

There are a number of Forums here at Psych Central that you are free to browse around. Consider this like your personal Library. Nobody knows what you are looking at really. I could be busy reading the novel based on the Disney Film Frozen right now - paging through the Chapter on Elsa the Snow Queen and how she finally decided to Let It Go - and you wouldn’t know.

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[healingme4me]

Welcome to PC

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Pretty.lonely, you have said in your post that you currently have an 'amazing job' at a bank, a 'gorgeous two bedroom apartment', and a mother who does 'absolutely everything to help [you] and keep [you] healthy and happy'. Use these positives to move forward with your life. Your ex-boyfriend broke up with you because he found out you were planning to go back to doing escort services in order to pay $600 in deductibles for car accident insurance. I can understand how finding this out affected him in the way it did. You have the power within yourself to change your life. With time, you may be able to regain your ex-boyfriend's trust - but what you really need to focus on, especially right now, is yourself. Consider talking to your mother - maybe it is the right thing to do, maybe not, you are the best judge. Are you seeing a therapist?