A piece of advice, please?

I'm a very complicated person when it comes to dating and romance and all that stuff. On one hand, I tend to fall too easily and take everything too serious when I'm interested on that guy. On the other hand, I used to take advantage of some guys I knew were there if I just whistled. I believe this is caused by fear of being abandoned (most of the important men in my life died when I was too young to understand that they didn't want to go and leave me) and by discovering that I'm not nearly the ugly kid my classmates made me believe I was.

I met a guy a long long time ago. I liked him since the moment I saw him. It turns out he has liked me ever since too, but we got in touch just a few months ago. We went out one time and I blew everything by telling him that I wouldn't go with him to a soccer game because he hadn't asked my mother to let me go. I only said that because he was so smug about being her favorite and that she liked him so much, that I wanted to shut him up by challenging him to prove how much of her favorite he was. He didn't call or text for almost two months.

Then my mother had surgery and I looked for him for support. The moment I texted him he responded and even told me why I was being so cold. He stood by my side, and he even started texting me in such a loving way, like "good morning, my love, good night sweetheart". So we went out for a second time and we kissed. I asked him what that kiss meant and what I should tell my mother about us, because they work at the same place and I have met one huy from my mom's workplace who after first date was telling her that he wanted to marry me... Well, the guy I like now told me that we were still getting to know each other and that I should tell my mother so.

He texted me a few days further in the same sweet way... Good morning texts, good night texts. I took my mom to the hospital (they're both doctors) for a check on the progress she was making after the surgery and we met him as he was on his way out. He left the crew he was walking with and went to say hello to where we stood with a friend of us, a guy who my mom adopted as a son. One day my mother went alone for follow-up and she told me she saw him and that he looked at her like searching for me and, because my mom was surrounded by a lot of people, he just waved his hand at her. But after that, he just vanished again.

Last week I texted him and he responded sometimes, but other times he just ignored me completely. I stopped texting him just three days ago, because I don't want to let him hurt me, I won't let him play with me. I showed him that I like him, I showed that I'm interested in him and also that I will let him free not being over possesive or something. I truly believe it's up to him now.

But I don't know how to tell him that I won't allow to be treated like this anymore. I can't trust someone who's there one day, but just disappears next time I know. I'm the kind of person who believed in second and third chances, but it has always led me to be played with. And when I'm really angry, I'm the kind of person who tells it straight to their face, even in a very rude way. So... This time I know I have no right to be so upset to tell him to just go to hell and leave me alone and I don't want to push him either, but I want to set things straight and tell him that I don't like his on again and off again game.

I also believe that not pushing him and letting him free is a good way to finally deal with my fear of being abandoned, don't you think? I mean, if I keep trying to control the people I love, if I try to keep them as closer to me as possible, how will I know that they stay because they love me, because they want to be with me? But again, I want to tell him in the best possible way, that I don't like what he has done.

Thanks for your insights!

Tough situation.... Have you said flat out.. "where do we stand?" I think you are right to take measure to make sure you are not hurt. If he is distant.... maybe he is going through something that he needs to figure out and if that´s the case maybe patience might be needed. Maybe you should just tell him you are interested but confused by whats going on and if he needs you that you are there for him... maybe that would work?

I would just ask to go have some coffee.. tell him you care for him and would like to get to know him better, your interested..

I honestly think you need to leave your Mom outta the loop at this point, She doesn't need to know if your seeing him or not.

It's hard to just let go of needing too have 100% control ( I know) But finding someone to love takes literally a leap of faith... Many times I jumped.... I went Splat.. But the last time? we have been married just over 10 years and love each other more today than on our wedding day.. Sometimes you just have to jump.

Good luck

Good advice about the "Mom". She doesn´t need to know everything and every detail about your personal life. I never tell my mom anything....lol.... just easier to avoid drama.

OP, if I understood your post well you mentioned at one point that the guy you are interested in is a doctor - am I correct? If this is the case: doctors usually have very busy schedules, and it could be the case that he seems 'distant' from you just because he is really busy with a demanding job. This is no excuse for not having proper communication, but it is something to keep in mind when you do sit down with him and have a talk - it's highly encouraged that you do. I wish you good luck!

I'm a little confused by this.

If I am reading this correctly, you met him a long time ago, reconnected a few months ago and have had two dates?

Since he's old enough to be a doctor, I assume he's somewhat familiar with what a relationship looks like.
Your comments about needing your mom's input makes me think you might be a little younger (?).

It was premature to call you "sweetheart" and "my love". He should know better than to say that just after one date in my opinion.
Don't take his overly affectionate ways too seriously. It might just be the way he is.
I would just relax at this point and not worry about it.

Thank you all for your words. But... There are a few things I think I need to explain...

He was the first one to talk about my mom! When we reconnected he literally told me that he was going to tell her that he was going to kidnap me. Then he told me that he liked me since the very first time we met, but that he couldn't get close to me because of my mom. I guessed it was because they work at the same place and my mom is known to be overprotective, but that's just cause of all the stupid things an idiot went telling the whole hospital about us, when I told my mom and their boss that he molested me one time I had to be taken to the ER. Which takes me to the next point...

My mom is absolutely nothing but my best friend. She knows absolutely everything I have done and, though she wanted to kill me when she first knew all the messes I've done, she forgave me and we are more close than ever. She has never interferred in my love life. She is overprotective when it comes to my health and safety, cause, you know, she sees things at the ER... But otherwise she has always let me do as I wish, even when he wanted to stop me from seeing some guys I've dated...

We both are adults. He is 7 years older than me, but none of us is a child. Yep, he knows better. Way better than me... But I still don't understand why on earth would he go calling me that way and why he held me so close when he was kissing me, as if he feared me trying to pull away!

So... I'm giving him time. My guess is that he doesn't know what to think, because he asked me on our first date what my plans for the future were. I answered that I want to travel, get my masters degree and go visit my best friend's tomb in Germany. But he insisted... Lately he asked me if I wanted to have children, and my answer was nothing but the truth: I don't know, I suppose I do, but a lot of things need to happen before I decide (like finding my children's father, maybe?!). That was my answer. He just said ok. So I guess he is thinking far ahead. He's got his own place, his own car and I'm uneployed and my family's little girl (even though I'm in my thirties...).

But you know what, I have this feeling... I feel he really really likes me. Maybe he was hurt in the past. I don't know. I'm determined to take that leap of faith, cause it's time fot me to do it. I know I'm not in love. I don't even know him! So I guess it's the perfect time for me to let go and let him think about whatever he needs to without me being so annoying.

Btw, he works for two hospitals, so I know better than to text him all day long, but he is not the kind of doctor you can call at any time.

What I really disliked was him telling me I was being too cold after nearly two months of silence! If he's thinking I'll always be there for him, I want to show him how mistaken he is. Cause everyone has their limits. Last time I knew I had been the one to blame, but now, I haven't done anything wrong. Or so I believe...

Sorry but man who calls you "my love" after a first date might have some agenda....who says that after first date?

Why does your mom need to be in the picture? You had two dates. Why does she need to know? Not like you are about to get engaged.

Now nothing wrong with telling mom. My daughter actually told me after first date with her now husband that she met someone who is just so nice, she wanted to share. And he turned out to be the one.

But there is no requirement to tell parents after few dates! If you want to you can tell but not like you must!

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I have to add that if you are in your thirties it means you are adults and can have adult conversation. Call him arrange a date and ask if he is interested in dating you. I honestly thought you are a high schooler when I read your first post. Did you have other relationships?

Just ask him if he is interested in dating, if you are, and go from there. Since you are on your thirties his questions about wanting children etc are very fine .

Don't worry about mom right now.

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Thank you for your response.

I don't worry about my mother. I tell her because, as I said, she is my best friend. I'm an only child and my mother is so cool, that I can share everything with her. But I don't trust too much her advice, cause even since my dad died she thought she was better off alone than going back to frustration and disappointment from dating. She is the all-or-nothing kind of person and she would never have had patience in situations like this.

I have had maybe too many other relationships... Nothing really serious, though. I've been proposed to twice and I have rejected those proposals. As I said, I used to just have fun with some guys I knew they liked me whenever I felt alone, even when I didn't really liked them. I had always been honest, but that's what I did until I understood that I was being such a horrible person. But I'm also too dumb when it comes to the guy I do like. I get nervous, I get insecure and I go too easily with just one hug or just one kiss.

It's like whenever a guy tells me "you're bautiful", I'm planning my wedding and naming my children. But deep down I fear that moment, I'm kind of a commitment-phobe. I don't understand myself.

I have been truly in love twice before. I was too young then, not even turned 21. Then it has always been infatuation. I have been alone for almost three years now, but I recall my ex boyfriend every single day. He hurt me so much! He's married now and his wife is pregnant. Maybe I'm rushing into things because I can't believe that he is so happy, getting what he wanted (he asked me to marry him and he wanted to have children a.s.a.p.) and I'm alone and confused.

I know I'm not in love, so I don't want to make such a fuss about this other guy not even texting me. Still, I don't think it's fair that this other guy just disappears after behaving like we were serious. I just wish I knew what he's thinking, what he wants and why he just stopped texting. And even more, I wish I knew what to do, because I don't want to confront him. If I have to ask him what this is all about, if I have to be the one who says the first hello once again, I don't want him. And I also don't want a man who is here today, gone today.

So... I guess I just need to figure out first why I am so upset. I like him really much and I know he likes me a lot too. But maybe I just want this to happen because I want some kind of a dream come true. Or because I want to have something like my ex has. I believe I might as well use this time to work on my own issues. But I insist, what he has done seems not fair to me!

I am still very confused. You said you were upset he didn't ask your mother about you going to a game? Why does he need to ask your mother? Or is it flashback when you were in
School?

I really don't understand what did he do? Sure calling you my love was stupid but you could just tell him that it is too early. Now about him not texting, just text him and ask, then you will know. Ask why he stopped. You two only had two dates and maybe he changed his mind or not into you.just ask him

You keep saying he likes you. Then you two would be dating right?


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Confused about you telling people that he molested you? What's this about?

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A long long time ago, a guy there at my mom's job molested me. I spoke up and rumor started. They said my mother would kill anyone who came close to me or even dared to speak to me. That was not true, cause after that, I dated two guys who were sons of some of my mom's coworkers and I'm still friend at least with one of them. This happened before I even met this guy I like now.

I was upset with this guy I like three months ago, because he was the first to bring my mother to topic. He kept bragging and telling me how close to her he is. He used to tell me he was my mom's favorite. And I knew that was not true. I got mad at him, because, even though I tell my mother everything, I don't like my mother to be a part of a conversation I'm having with my date. I like to keep things separated. But on firts date, he started asking a lot of things about my mother straight away. He wanted to know how she treated my other boyfriends and he kept bragging about being her favorite. In fact, after he asked me my number to keep in touch, he said something about being my mother's favorite, so, when we met my mother a few minutes later (I went to visit him when I had to take my mom to her work for something during her vacation period) I challenged him to repeat it right in front of her. But my mom is so cool, she just laughed and told him "yeah, you're one of the good boys, have a nice day, son".

As I said, my mom's overprotective when it comes to my safety and health. She doesn't like me going to six flags or soccer matches, because here in my country sometimes it gets really nasty and people are being brought to jail for no reason and sometimes there are a lot of people injured after fights between soccer fans. I told him so when he invited me. And he just told me that he would talk to my mother and that he would easily convince her to let me go with him. And I didn't like his attitude. I would have understood he was joking if he had said that once or twice, but for two weeks he kept braggind about that. So, when so much time passed and he didn't keep his word, I got mad at him. And I told him so, I told him I like people who keep their word.

After that, (february) he stopped talking to me. I understood he was mad at me because I kind of threw a tantrum. My mom got surgery almost four weeks ago and that day we reconnected. When I texted him at I was at the hospital, he told me I was being too cold, and how on eart was I supposed to be, after so much time without a word? Well, I played it cool and didn't tell him I was mad at him for his silence. My mom got surgery one monday and next saturday we went on our second date (third time we were together, cause while my mom was in surgery he took me to take some breakfast) and then he kissed me, after five days of behaving like a boyfriend.

What really upsets me is that he acts as if he's taking me for granted. I hope this time I clarified things a bit. And sorry, but my english gets all weird when I'm so angry and sad...

Oh I see. Your English is very good.

I realize now that maybe your reliance on your parents is cultural. Typically woman in her 30s wouldn't need moms permission to attend anything even it is dangerous.

I wouldn't be able to stop my dsughter from attending anything . And we are very close!

wonder what culture is that? You don't have to tell as it is anonymous site, I just wonder. I grew up in Europe and it is same as in the United States. When you are grown up you could be close to your parents but don't need their permission.

It could be Also cultural that you can't ask a guy why did he stop talking to you. It is fairly simple. Text and ask. Yet you don't. If you don't ask u will never know

I had to add on the topic of attending sports event. Perhaps when he asked you to attend an event and you said you are not allowed and he has to ask your mom he decided that is not for him. Many men wouldn't pursue a woman who needs moms permission at this age. I agree he had to directly tell you that rather than disappearing.


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It's not even cultural. My mom is very open minded. It's just that as a doctor who works in the ER, she sees a lot of things. And she also doesn't want to go pick me up from jail. I have fought this restrictions in the past, but I have this friend who was even charged just because she was at the wrong place in the wrong time. We are latin. You know the police here in latin America is well known to be corrupt and sometimes they just take people to jail to tell they are doing something against crime and vandalism. We live in a very unsafe city and in very difficult times.

And, again, I didn't tell him to ask my mom to let me go to that match. He was the one who said he would convince her. This happened about 3 months ago. When my mom was in surgery (almost 4 weeks ago) and he took me to breakfast, we talked about this and I explained to him that I didn't like him being so pedantic and that, in fact, I don't want my mom to be a part of our conversations. Everything seemed to be fine, that's why he started texting me the my-love line and why we went on our second official date.

I attended a german school here in my country, so my education eas kind of multicultural. I would ask him why he hasn't texted, if I knew he would respond, but I'm sure he won't. Some of my former boyfriends are german or american, so... I have absolutely no problem asking straight away. But this guy is the classic latin man, a little old-fashioned, bust just a little.

And I also don't want to ask because I did so in the past and men like him don't take it as a simple question, instead they feel pushed and controlled. And there's another reason why I don't want to ask: I want to see some interest from him too! I feel like I have put all my energy into this thing and, as one of my best friends told me, it seems like he's so happy knowing that everytime he was to hang out he can just call me and I'll be there. And I need to know he is willing to do a little more of an effort to get to know me. I believe we ALL need and deserve to know if someone is by our side because they want to or just because we are always chasing them. So... It's up to him now.

I do understand safety concern. And I know doctors. And I understand worrying about children. I worry about mine but still kids start living their own lives.

It just seems a woman in her 30s would be on her own doing her own thing in many cultures and societies with the exception of extremely religious ones where women can't do their own thing. Typically a mother cannot stop grown kids from doing pretty much anything.

I wonder if such Dependence on parents is unattractive for men and perhaps prevents you from having your own life? You say you are your family's little girl. It might not be very attractive for a modern man. Not if you are in your 30s.

Again my daughter is very close to me but is not dependent on me for every day living. Would you consider to make a change?

Well if this guy isn't contacting you and you think if you contact him he won't respond. Then he isn't interested (doesn't matter why) and time to move on.

Are you looking for a job? Maybe as you start working and are on your own you'll meet suitable men. You are still young. Good luck

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This is a hypocrite society. Men want women who stay by their parents until they get married. Way better if women have had only two boyfriends. They can understand women have a sexual past if they have had a very long relationship, but they despise a woman who has had a lot lf sexual partners. Thins are evolving, but it's a mess. People are starting to love together, but most of the time it's only when men have decided they do want to marry those girls ot it ends very rough for the woman who dared to just go living with a man.

Men also want the perfect housewife who cleans and cooks and looks after the kids, but now they are starting to want a woman who works and brings home some money, without fully realizing that they have to help at home too.

This guy is not a modern guy. He's a regular guy for this country standards. In fact he is a little old fashioned, cause he wants the perfect wife and mother for his children. But he understands that at this age everyone has a past.

It's not a matter of dependece, it's a matter of respect. My cousin lived in Europe for five years and she was the main family provider after her dad's death, but still she obeyed her mother when she came back to live at her mother's house. Their house, their rules. But you have to live it to understand it.

No, I'm not looking for a job right now, because I think I need to figure out first what I really want to do for the rest of my life. I don't need the money, because I don't want to move out and my mother gives me everything I want. I'm a very spoiled girl, my entire family loves me, including cousins and aunts. I'm not that overprotected, it's not like I can't do anything without my mother's permission, I'm just too spoiled. And by that I mean that most of the times I get my way.

As I told this guy, I never wanted him to ask my mom for permission. I just wanted him to quit telling lies about him being her all time favorite coworker. I don't care if my mother likes him or not, it's me who needs to like him, not her! And as I told him when he asked how my mother is towards my boyfriend, she is not nosy! I'm sorry you also focused much more on that part, but thank you anyway.

I see that it is still a traditional society. I just assumed that since your mother is a doctor you are a modern educated family and you don't live in the Middle Ages. She went to school and works professional job. It is very modern! Can she be your role model?

I focus on your reliance on your parents because it is most likely the main cause of your issues. You are in your 30s but refer to yourself as a girl, mention that you are very spoiled, you plan on staying with your mother and you still don't know what you want to do in life. You can't forever rely on your mother. You seem proud of being spoiled, it is cute with little girls but not with adults.

Maybe these men bring your mother up because they see how reliant you are on her. You aren't looking for a job and completely depend on your mother who does work! Generally it isn't attractive or appealing. It could be cute if you were 18. Older we get less cute it looks.

I understand about respect. I grew up in society where you respect your elders, but I don't see you showing respect to your mother.

She is older than you but works and fully supports you, you are a woman in your 30s yet refuse to work because your mother gives you everything and you don't need the money. This isn't respectful at all. It is taking advantage of one's mother. That is the backwards understanding of respect.

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If I am understanding correctly...

You got mad at him about him "being your mother's favorite" and for not keeping his word regarding the soccer match, then suddenly going incommunicado and now irregular contact?

Some of this is a big deal to you, some not so much, but they all add up anyway.

So far so good I hope?

Now, the mommy's favorite part, I don't understand at all. Seems like a bit of playful joking around that has been taken too seriously.

And in the context of your mother's alleged reputation, it actually makes sense.

Maybe you two just don't share the same sense of humor?

My niece's current bf makes the same boringass joke (has for years) and no he was never mommy's favorite or first choice, and even worse, his joke doesn't even have context, it just is...

Now, the soccer match, you turned him down on account of him being too smug, basically wanted to teach him a lesson and so you played the mommy card...

Am I right?
Then for whatever reason, he didn't ask your mom, which in effect means the "mommy card" from earlier backfired heavily and so you got mad at him for breaking his word and he went silent.

Hopefully I'm on the right track...

Well, idk tbh... In my honest opinion, regardless for his reasoning behind "mommy's favorite" it seems to me like for some reason you over react to it.

You say you don't want him to involve your mom in your relationship, but in the same breath its ok if you do... So I don't see which boundary he's crossing by claiming her approval. He's milking the fact that she said he's one of the good guys, and just like i don't see the harm, I doubt he does. Especially if it's in jest.

The silence? Well if that last interaction between you two was you being upset with him, he may have believed he had blown his chances and that may be why he didn't attempt to contact you again.

Because besides kissing you, doesn't seem like you approve of anything he said or did.

The current infrequent texting?
You don't have to be combative, just explain to him that if he is interested in dating you, he will have to commit to responding to your texts, as it is a requirement.

My bf is not much of texter, I used to take his late / non replies way too seriously and I drove myself batty. I eventually spoke up about how it makes me feel and he apologized and explained his slight aversion to texting. now that we both understand each others need and style, we've created a rhythm that works for both of us.

Talk to him first, in a cool and collected manner, no use playing mind games of will he text me first if he doesn't even know he's playing along.

Anyway just my opinion, take it with a grain of salt

I think mommy issue aside the only solution is to ask a guy

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