[CrewCut]

I am new to this site so I will give you a little background.

I grew up with alcoholic parents. They were very good honest people and loved my siblings and me very much. But unfortunately, they had a terrible addiction that left us neglected much of the time. There was a lot of chaos in my childhood.

After college, I married my high school sweat-heart. The first 10 years was pretty good but then she met a friend of her brother’s and fell for him instantly. I was completely devastated about this and arranged for marriage counseling. She reluctantly agreed and it seemed things got worked out. Fast forward five more years and she met a coworker and then fell in love with him. This time she would not go to counseling so I went on my own. At the time, I had no idea what was going on other than she wanted out of the marriage (years later, I found it she was seeing someone from work). Of course, I was devastated again by all of this. She would not talk to me about it and things just got swept under the rug. Then once again, fast forward four more years, she met another coworker and fell for him. I could not take it anymore and filed for divorce. I was completely grief stricken and fell into a deep depression. Fortunately I was strong enough to keep working and continue to take care of our children but was a very dark period of my life. My depression from my divorce lasted about a couple of years and gradually subsided. I since have had reoccurring episodes in the autumn but I exercise, eat well and take care of myself. I sometimes use talk therapy also. (As a side note, I never dealt with depression prior to my divorce). I also know that m ex-wife’s numerous affairs dealt a severe blow to my self-esteem.

A little more about me. I have two wonderful children, a great job, am financially secure, own a lovely home in a great neighborhood. I don’t take drugs and am a very casual drinker (have a beer once in a while). I know that I am very kind and honest man. I happy being single and I live a good life.

Since my divorce 11 years ago, I have been very careful about dating. I have gone on lots of dates but kept things casual and kept my distance because I wanted to meet the right person. (Or looking back, I kept my distance because I am scared. Not sure…) Anyway, most of the dates I went on were nice (some maybe not so nice!). But it was a learning experience nonetheless.

So here is my problem:
About a year ago, I meet a wonderful woman. She is pretty, kind, honest and a wonderful mom to her son. She treats me wonderfully and I absolutely adore her. I fell in love with her almost immediately. However, when I find myself getting too close to her emotionally, I get very scared. At one point, I broke it off with her and I could not even explain why. All I know is I was petrified and had to get out. Even though we were both devastated by the breakup, she was very understanding. She knew I was dealing with something that I need to get straightened out. After some soul-searching, therapy and a couple of good books, I realized I have relationship anxiety. My guess is that it stems from growing up in a alcoholic environment and experiencing a painful divorce.

My girlfriend and I have gotten back together and are taking things very, very slowly. As I mentioned, she is very understanding about all of this. Even though I don’t have the severe anxiety that I had the last time we were dating, it comes up from time to time. And it is very strange as it will come out of nowhere, and hits very hard, and then disappears.

Does anyone here have these symptoms? How do you deal with it?

[CANDC]

Hi CrewCut. Welcome to Psych Central (PC). I am so sorry you are suffering from anxiety. PC has helped me find other people that can empathize with me and help provide insights and info. After you have 5 posts or replies to others posts the Anxiety Chat happens on Wednesday at 8PM-9PM EST

Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems though still there are more manageable.

Glad you are joining us here. There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central.

Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[healingme4me]

I do/have find/found the idea of being at risk for being vulnerable, anxiety provoking. I'm not exactly reclusive, yet, cautious seems an understatement. You aren't alone.

Welcome to PC

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central CrewCut!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm sorry for your struggles. I haven't been able to date following the breakup with a boyfriend who repetitively cheated on me for a five year time span. I've since realized he had his own issues but I can understand your anxiety and reluctance to get close as I now experience it myself. I admire your courage to get out there and date again.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

[CrewCut]

Originally Posted by Ruftin

Hello and welcome to Psych Central CrewCut!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm sorry for your struggles. I haven't been able to date following the breakup with a boyfriend who repetitively cheated on me for a five year time span. I've since realized he had his own issues but I can understand your anxiety and reluctance to get close as I now experience it myself. I admire your courage to get out there and date again.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

Ruftin,

So sorry that your boyfriend cheated on you. Being cheated on is a horrible experience. I kept blaming myself constantly when my ex would cheat. I kept thinking if I was just a better husband, she would not do that. But she also had issues (she was molested by her father as a child). I have no idea how devastating that would be (and she only spoke of it once). But it had to have a terrible affect on her.

She truly was never happy with anything in life and I think she was (and still seems to be) constantly searching for happiness.

If I learned one thing during my marriage, it is that it was not my job to make her happy. My job was to be kind, faithful, affectionate and supportive. Looking back, I know I did all of that. People are either happy or they are not.

Her affairs really took a toll on my self-esteem. I felt completely worthless for years. There was a long period where I was absolutely convinced that I would never have a partner again because I was so deeply flawed.

So now I have a wonderful girlfriend that absolutely adores me (and I adore her). My challenge is let myself believe that I am worthy of her affections and admiration.

I am glad I found this place....