am i doing this right?

I'm not ready to get in another relationship between two different people. One girl I met in a ironic, but romantic way. None the less it was fun. I fear of my emotions of being too much and the other is a long time friend who say its a joke, but ik it's ********. So I'm ok how it is with my friend but the other girl. I don't know if she understands I need distance longer. Even before I met her, I'll be there for her for all I can in the best in my abilities.

She's very pretty but it's best I keep, my distance not confuse her and lead any drama I don't want. Ik I complained about dating it's strange how I found out this realization, but I felt more content from the pain. That I'll really will love someone well when they finally appear, but I'll continue to play this out I see potential in this girl, but I don't get serious anytime soon till if I feel it's appropriate, but it's best she finds what she needed elsewhere if it comes down to it.

If we go on dates ill invest my feelings and enjoy the moment and not focus on the future till I get to it. When time comes she will leave like the others.

I've recently been a wreck, because I have been crying and suffering grief and a yearning to be a boy not growing into this madness. Just live it like it was never there in the beginning letting the messed up parts past me by. I feel my life is good for what I made it to be, I will be beyond lonely after my mother passes. No one even myself is prepared how cold ill appear without my moms comfort the very last woman I cherish to give me a reason to believe in myself, her and fighting to be her best.

I've cried very hard from my moms sickness though excusable as non life threatening. It pains me her health. I love her so much if she passes before her first grandchild and my first love for real. Me bringing the family back together if her health takes her away from me, there is nothing I can or could do, but I'd be so broken hearted. Hearing everything feel no weight. I've felt very cold and indifferent recently and became more reserved feeling my loneliness out like a cold man with hypothermia finding warmth in the coldest and strangest places. That I think about dying so much so I wouldn't endure this pain and seeing her gone, but that selfishness is too much to bear. So I will live for my mother my daughter and my grandmother.

I've been the victim of very unfortunate circumstances and that no one showed me love like my grandma and my mother and like her. I grew to find appreciation in women I found out I was a woman a girl twin instead a boy. I embraced my make side, finding out my hips are female in my bones under my masculine muscles. That I was intertwined with my sister who was a girl. Finding out the truth of my life became a shock and learning how my mother instincts really shown when my ex who never appreciated me once and everyone knew especially my mom and her dad. That the baby would suffer and my ex would die giving birth, but I felt my very first understanding of being a parent at 18 before aborted.

I learned id rather had been the mother. If I could id raise her myself. I work very hard she be my world and all the petty things meant nothing as soon we gave her a name. Melody Ann. My god I miss her. Her feet kicks and heart beat. My pain aches everyday I see parents with children. I experienced the first time in a weird situation a childhood friend has a daughter 3 years of age. I gave her a piggy back ride to her mom. I felt she was with me then. I wanted to cry. I kept that secret from my dad who was there just to keep it casual and calm.

No one knows the grief I deal with everyday. Once my mom is gone, ill hug walls alone my pillows and anyone anything to feel her again. The last change I have to accept but cannot embrace.
I'll make others smile and fake my smiles, but when people want to see under the mask they will see cold open scars. Nothing more and shame of them finding out the way they do. In hopes the right person see past that. Someone my mom would approve.

I'll make my trip to Scotland soon if did pass away get my citizenship and travel alone experience nature the w just to see it alone. I'll be kind but distant and walk on my business like I have somewhere to go, but I am always looking for home. My life is a story book, I make what I make of it. If I make people smile I don't want more.
That my life belongs elsewhere. If I meet the right person they'll fight for me against me with me. They love me unconditionally like my mother my grandmother and the people who felt that way about me. Why Scotland my mother is born there. I will experience my true family firsthand like a foreign family like Asian Americans almost. I feel that my values I will find happiness in having a family one day when it comes. I hope you are proud of me. I'll never say this to you because I fear losing you, but I love you ....

Maybe one day someone will take this out of me motivating me to come out to see a good person. I love you. I'm out of tears but I five everything up for all of you. I don't feel my pain is worth as my compassion... Sorry I didn't want to talk about this but I felt that I will keep track of this post as a momento. Can I do that?

Of course, say what you need to.