[Yismymindblank12]

So, I liked this girl alicia last year for a long time, we became very close friends very fast. I still talk to her as much as possible, but mostly I try to avoid talking to her. I feel disconnected by her, when I went so many times going out my way telling her and showing her how I feel about her. I really like her, she noticed and knew, but took it in the wrong context online in person and so on. I wasn't subtle nor hiding my feelings, I was blunt and obvious I told her I liked her and explained it showed so on.

She thought as a friend, but she felt terrible for not knowing. I think I led myself on, because she had me feeling happy and comfortable for once, but it was all lies once again. I had this happen to everyone, I'm distant from my parents my friends and everyone. So it was a huge shock and a huge pain for someone hurting me that badly. So she has a bf, she was talking to this whole time, and it seemed to be a sour ending for me, but idk for her it seemed like it from her telling me how bad she felt I almost ran away because of it to be homeless and have no contact from anyone.

I realized maybe my actions caused all this damage. I was trying to figure this out and I never knew, because I know I was mindful and I still am, and I try not to bring anything up to her that makes it hard for me to respond, because that wound still feels fresh it hurts me alot. That I was pushed to the side like that, and you know I'm not surprised, I got so insecure by that incident, I went back on a starvation diet again and lost more weight that last winter. I have a huge hole in my heart from my whole life being abandoned and having no connection period.

It's hell, pure hell. Feeling your mom is fake your dad is just some casual friend not a dad everyone doesn't give a crap about you and makes it clear where you stand and you are left alone to scream at walls and talking to yourself, because everyone sucks.

My friend other female friend Kels I was with last night is in my position with dating so on with her gf's. She's a lesbian I had messaged alicia to add kelsey because I know alicia is bi. They hit it off very fast too, it seems even though it seemed casual and we will get together as friends. I felt it will help us as friends, except for me, that I would have to eat more crap to put down my feelings...

I've struggled with suicide recently because it's this loneliness I've lived with all my life and trying to get fake or negative people out of my life, but they follow me and I'm not perfect, but people like to always to bring the worst out of me intentionally or unintentionally. I do a great job keeping it in, most of the time suppressing my feelings. It doesn't help, but talking about it with kelsey made it worse.

She likes alicia, if alicia and her bf split she's going for her. That's great because alicia wanted to date a girl and try out girls and kelsey has dated girls before and likes her too as a friend. So yes it will work out for them, but for me, I'll be teased even harder how much unattainable alicia will be for me to be no longer hurt being around or talking to her. I avoid her a lot and conversations that show my darker side of my feelings.

I don't want to date her ever now, it's too painful even if it did work out and also being her friend is hell anyways. She's very sweet and nice to me regardless and this **** is so messed up because I get none of my pain to go away it's made me bitter and despise women. I don't say anything bad about them or try to put blame on others for my problems, I haven't. I just can't shake this unescapable hell of being isolated for a very long extended periods of time. I never see my friends, people didn't like me when I was open with me them, they ignored me more regardless what i did. Alicia didn't, I needed a lot of things she did for me none of my exes ever were that nice to me.

To think it was so fake, I just cannot take this criticism on here or anywhere that someone is out there for me talk. I ****ing hate it. It's a big slap in the face of the hell I go through. Like after my mom dies, no woman will care for me emotionally anymore. That's not my perception that's the reality, I can't deal to face.

I wanted to die, because of feeling unloved and the fact I'm drugged around in this whirlwind being matchmaker and being shoved away as a shelving item. I never have received or have faith in anything in relationships that did anything other than getting me laid and being beaten and abused..

The fact I'm a man and I wanted to be a girl so bad and that kelsey lives my dream for her, at the same time. I can't give what she wants to alicia. I don't know if that's true or not. I hope to know, but no more plenty fish of the sea.

This bs about someone will come in, I don't want them here when they do come in. I won't appreciate them enough, because I'm too hurt to see anything good now.

Like you have no idea, it's been all my life of being abused and abandoned. I have a low tolerance for people who play games. I shut them out completely and never talk to them again.

I live with so much hate of myself, that I couldn't do good enough to have someone like me that I like ever.

I can't describe this pain it's hard to eat I want to make myself throw up to get it out of my system. It's hard to enjoy life not alone, but aware that people aren't connected to you and have you as an accessory to their life.

I am proving how much alicia says she doesn't think of me that way or not.

Tbh I'm a jerk. Why anyone want to go with me? I'm too insecure when I'm vulnerable and a lot of people ended up hating me because of my suicidal and depressing outlook growing up or just ignoring people.

I didn't have a choice on that, but I chose to make it better no one cared to notice or chose to think more positive of me. So it's come to my attention all this time I have no friends.

I am sorry you are hurting so much.

Since the girl you are interested in is currently in a relationship, I suggest moving on. Be optimistic! Believe that the right girl will come along at the right time in your life.

Take care of yourself. Starvation diets or other forms of punishment will not help and are unhealthy and dangerous.

I can understand how difficult it is to make friends... If you consider you have no friends at the moment, take this as a fresh new start. Each day try to take a small step towards meeting new people!

Are you seeing a therapist/psycholosist you can discuss your feelings with?

[Keyslost]

Sounds like a lot of the pain is from Alicia buddy. Not that she's doing it on purpose but like Newlyfe says might be better to cut off from her. (like all comm) It does strike me as odd that she talks about you and her with her bf though. I guess a casual "hey I talked to Yis today" is fine but it sounds like she was giving details about your personal stuff? Idk man you're prob better off.

[Yismymindblank12]

Originally Posted by Keyslost

Sounds like a lot of the pain is from Alicia buddy. Not that she's doing it on purpose but like Newlyfe says might be better to cut off from her. (like all comm) It does strike me as odd that she talks about you and her with her bf though. I guess a casual "hey I talked to Yis today" is fine but it sounds like she was giving details about your personal stuff? Idk man you're prob better off.

I don't understand. It feel both fake and honest. It feels bittersweet. It leaves a sour note. I have I didn't want to leave as friends but honestly I'm doing right maintaining farther distance than ever now.

[Yismymindblank12]

Oh ik its very odd. She is like a lover best friend person but maintaining as friends I don't get it.

I'm not shy with girls. I don't feel interested in people rather I want someone to come to me.

I'm very muscular, I'm motivated, very funny and lovable from what others say about me. I am a perfectionist and artist and I care about what I do to enjoy my life.

I am very fun to be around that I am life of the party. I'm a rebel and I hate being the same. I produce music professionally. My life is fast and exciting. I party hard and chill outside in the wilderness. I got nice thick wavey hair.
I'm very intelligent and I can be anonymous and out there in the open public. I'm very deep thinker I talk alot and I love learning and being a student.

I respect people and when I am open I don't hold back.