[marielogan]

This is my first time posting on this website. I am in need of guidance, mostly because I feel guilty for my actions.

I became very good friends with a co-worker. We talked about everything we were going through in life and became each others confidance. We expressed our physical attraction to each other, and within time we started a sexual relationship. It was not frequent, maybe once a month. We did talk or text everyday.

He told me (long before our sexual relationship started), that he was in love with a girl that lived in another state. He told me it was hard having a long distance relationship, but they were totally in love. He had dated this girl in high school. then college and ended up going their seperate ways. He looked her up years later and they reconnected. (We are both in our 40s)

I know it was not wise of me to engage in a relationship with him, knowing he loved someone else, but I truly believed he would not do this if he was really in love with someone else. I thought he would realize this with time. I ended up falling in love woth him. I told him I had developed feelings and I was having a hard time seperating the sexual relationship from the friendship. He told me the friendship always comes first, and we would stop the sexual relationship to save the friendship.

Here is the part where I messed it all up. Last Wednesday while at work he told me he had to go home and pack becuase he was going away for a long weekend (the city where is the other woman lives). It hurt me so badly as he hadn't talked about her in some time.

I told him I only want to maintain a professional relationship. No more friendship as I was too hurt to deal with it. I told him he had no morals and I felt bad for his girlfriend because if he truly loved her he would not have sex with me. Needless to say, the friendship is over. I feel horrible. I feel like I should have just stopped the sexual relationship, but at the time I was so hurt and so angry I could not deal with maintaining a friendship and hearing about anything that may further develop with this girl.

What do I do?? Do I apologize or do I keep my distance?

Thank you so much for your help!!

Well…..he chose to engage in a sexual relationship with you so it was consenting on both sides. While I understand your guilt, he isnt innocent.

I think you are on the right track though of moving on and only maintaining a professional relationship with him. He needs to sort himself out. You just happened to be caught in the crossfire.

[Noski]

See that's what I was discussing with my best friend a few days ago:that men shoudn't get a free pass just because they're men and have needs ..I agree with ChaocInsanity,he should be held accountable for his actions taht aren't justified.

As for what you need to do,I believe you should keep a professional relationship with him.It's easy for men to just want to "go back to being friends" or whatever but yo still have feelings for him to the point that you snapped and told him to off the friendship.
Yes you should have stopped the sexual relationship but you didn't.It's past but you can stop blaming yourself.Forgive yourself for blaming yourself/Now that you know better,you know that there are lines you should not cross.I hope you won't fall for it again and that you won't settle for less.The guy told you he was in love with someone else but you still went ahead .You said he wouldnt do it with you If he was really in love.I am not sure about his feelings but you should control your side of things and do the right thing for yourself first.

Apologize ?Apologize for what ?Don't apologize for feeling what you feel but I guess you could just send him a message saying that you you are sorry If it came out that things escalated a bit ,that you're not here to create drama and If you said hurtful things But no sweet talking or anything and I do think you should keep your distance.Not saying don talk to him but keep ir professional .
In the end ,I believe that deep down you know the right thing to do.Take a deep breathe and feel your inner voice .I believe it will tell you the right thing to do,which at this point seems obvious.. GOOD LUCK

Learn from this situation,don't pull your hair out,take this a life lesson .

[ChipperMonkey]

I don't understand why you have lower expectations for your friends than for a partner (moral wise). Its not ok for him to dog two women....but only if you're dating him? That is, his disgusting behavior is ok if you're only his friend? I know I couldn't be friends with someone who treats two women like dirt! (And why would you want to be his friend?) There are BILLIONS of people out there. I am pretty confident in saying that you can find a better friend.

[arundelle]

Seems like you're the one who can't handle it, not him. You have developed stronger feelings for him than he has for you. That happens every day.

Be straight with him. Tell him that it bothers him that he has this other relationship, that you want him to have a one-on-one relationship with you (don't pretend you don't), and that's why you can't be friends with him.

He didn't change - you did. And that's fine. But blaming him is not right. He was up front with you from the beginning.

That's the apology you need to make - not for ending your friendship, which it seems like it is a very healthy thing for you to do - but for suddenly judging him so terribly, when it's obviously a cover to keep yourself from being vulnerable and admitting how you really feel about him.

[hannabee]

What jerk invented this "friends with benefits" Bull**** anyway? I doubt it was a woman, right? That is all that you had really, right? He told you he loved someone else, but you wanted to believe he could fall in love with you anyway. He was truthful, I suppose, but he has no character! None. He could do that to her, he would do that to you. Find someone with character and someone who will treat you right. You really do deserve that. Big hug.