[Yismymindblank12]

I feel so much physical pain on my upper abdomen my head, neck and chest of anxiety. Feeling grief loss and fear and hate rejection all in one for no particular reason. I'm addicted to the highs and lows of love. I'll harm myself to feel good or stay with a person infatuated to stay high and keep it a secret being ashamed of myself. So what I do now instead is shun everyone. I know its gotten too outta hand and I can't do anything about it or afford therapy to help. 120 $ per session with no insurance to ever cover it. So instead I fear hate and loathe people into my life I wont show it, but that rush is so good to me and I hate it. I wish it was ripped out of my body.

I realized why and how and what I need to do, but I hate it. The whole thing love feelings and that idea that I never understood because my closest people all my life shown mw indifference and cruel neglect and that's all ik.

Yeah my life is **** and sad. It might end up killing me early on I'm aware of that far too well, but yes part is love addiction but the truth is no one loves me. Its fake feels so fake. All the time by not perceptions my mom will show love and it hurts alot and I had to challenge what love looks like with good and bad times. I truly believe she cares about herself more than me from the beginning. So I fought for that acceptance all my life and now all I want I nothing. I don't deserve what everyone gets.

I don't want it and I want to gain it to lose it. My body has been in this painful state for all my life. It's gotten worse recently. My body feels sore all the time I'm in great shape but my mental state has very much neglected to all hell. I lost hope lack of money and I am trying to get two jobs. I don't care if I die alone nor do I want to marry anyone nor love anyone that just wants something with me to happen. Never ever that's my problem, but I hate seeing myself happy with someone I don't like. The looks the imperfections I deal with now in my family a fantasy and ****ed up confusion. It came to mind the only cure is give no one a chance and shut everyone who wants to date out. The main factor if I'm not sexually attracted to them period no hell no. Never on their life ik how it works being done to me I don't like coming off as cruel but I shouldn't care I should love that I care about what I need and want instead worrying what others think.

I do go out my way for women for both good honest and hidden reasons but not a lot anymore. I don't date anyone its helped. I'm on year 3 almost with no sex no relationship etc because I wanted it not to be available. I'm unavailable and I like it. It feels good. I like to appear as something objectified and sexy to someone else.

I enjoy being something to look as a symbol of something than being walked over like before. I don't let them in I'm a display model. It's a hard sad life indeed for the loneliest stuff in it but I make it work by myself and that's healthy.
I don't like saying this but I don't like anyone specifically or anyone at all. I think what i will do if I find a person any person id like to see myself with ill make it happen somehow.

[pamela33]

Originally Posted by Yismymindblank12

The whole thing love feelings and that idea that I never understood because my closest people all my life shown mw indifference and cruel neglect and that's all ik.

If the closest people in your life are treating you that way, then you should get as far away from them as possible. Not everyone is like that, I'm sure there are caring and loving people out there who wouldn't treat you that way.

Originally Posted by Yismymindblank12

I like to appear as something objectified and sexy to someone else.

Don't settle for that. Be with someone who values you for who you are.

It may not seem like it right now and I understand, but there is someone out there for you. Don't give up hope. I wish you all the best.