[Rose3]

How to politely decline or decrease (or something) another person's invitations? Reason being - I seem to get a sense that this person just wants "someone/anyone" for company - and wants to fill up their time off. Somehow I am being invited (maybe I'm just one of the people on the list?). I mean it's ok for a person to make connections and have friendly get togethers, without any further depth. But it starts to turn into "and what are you doing tomorrow too". From my point of view - I don't want to get together with anyone two days in a row (even once a week is more than I want re: anyone). Like - space it out without crowding into my life - because it starts to feel like smothering, because my time is my time, and I don't want anyone hijacking my time. It feels like this person is planning my summer already (without input from me). And only to fill someone else's gaps. Right now I am thinking up reasons to decline, and I am unsure if I want invitations.

[eskielover]

I had a guy like that in my life (LOL....back in the early 70's). He was just a friend from the university I liked to ride horses with....but nothing more because I sensed his want to dominate my life......so I basically "had other things planned" when he wanted to continually do something more often than I wanted to get together with him. LOL...at the end, he asked me to set dates once a month for months in advance so that we could go out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. I finally said that I live my life from moment to moment & I don't plan ahead & I don't want anyone planning my life ahead for me because I need to be FREE to do the things that I seriously want to do by myself.

But it starts to turn into "and what are you doing tomorrow too".

I might be tempted to come back with an "I don't know but I'm sure I have something that I have committed my time to tomorrow so I won't be free".......the more insistent they get the more you can change your response to "I don't know but I will plan something just so that I don't have to have time to spend with you"..save that one for if he starts to get obnoxious.

Oh & BTW, I'm glad I had my sense about him because his first wife picked up & left him..vanished without taking anything because she wanted to be free I'm sure....I never knew her to know what experience she really had with him...but his 2nd wife I got to know well along with their son. He actually ended up dying of cancer just before my mother had her cancer surgery. I was pretty much the only person that knew what he was like & I felt for her. She actually opened up to be after his death because we were closer & said that now she was free because he wouldn't even let her out of the house after awhile & she couldn't have any interests of her own .....I really called that one right..just wish I had been wise enough to listen to myself about my own marriage....LOL.

Don't allow anyone to dominate your time other than yourself

[gayleggg]

Sounds like a lot more togetherness than I would like, too. That would really make me nervous. I think you just have to practice saying no I already have plans. Or just be honest about your wanting time to yourself.

Best wishes, Gayle
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[Rose3]

Thanks everyone - I do appreciate your replies. It's this uncomfortable sense I get around this person (who does have many fine qualities) - this sense that he's asking me simply because he wants to not to be all by himself (so it really doesn't have anything to do with wanting my specific company - so I am just a filler for this person's neediness or clinginess). Yeah - it is for me to say that I have plans already.

I have a similar friend. It is draining to have to babysit. I can say I am busy then I feel guilty if Im not and if she sees me on fb Im in trouble. Thanks for the thread, I'd write more but just cant today.

[Bill3]

Or just be honest about your wanting time to yourself.

This would be my suggestion. When people say they "have plans" the other person might keep on asking, let's say for seven days in a row, and "having plans" will start to lose credibility.

[goodnessgracious]

I am sorry to hear this Rose3. It's not nice when we feel that others cling on to us in the hope that they may get something in exchange from us. With little regard to how we may personally feel. I think that I do the same thing for my own sanity by just saying I already have plans if I start to feel uncomfortable by the "babysitting". I like that phrase that you used.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Rose3

Right now I am thinking up reasons to decline

Why think up any reasons to decline? Everything you've written here regarding your time and how precious it is to you, how you like to have space and time between get togethers should be sufficient as a reason. Leave out how you think that he is trying to hijack your summer. That won't help things nor is it productive but everything about how you feel you need space, don't like to meet people regularly and such should be enough. Be honest, it's always the best way. If he takes it wrongly or is offended by this answer it says tons about how important your feelings are to him and should kind of tell you whether you want to even continue the friendship. If he's a reasonable person and truly a good friend, he'll understand.

Don't make up excuses. eventually you'll run out of them and the truth will inevitably have to be revealed.