[Bowsheep]

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months. In his relationship before me he was seeing a girl unofficially for awhile. She had a lot of problems (faked a pregnancy to keep him, stalked him, threatened to hurt herself if he left, etc.) He led her on and would act like her bf but would still hook up with other girl behind her back and thought it was ok but he told her he didn't want a relationship. He told me they were done and we started seeing each other in November. Eventually she found out, and she jumped me with a friend. After that I told him he had to choose between us and if he chose me he couldn't see her at all anymore. He chose me and they stopped hanging out but still talked on the phone, etc. He asked me to be his girlfriend a month later. Things were going well, he introduced me to his family and everything. At Christmas he sent her a card and I got upset and we fought about it and he said he cares about her as a friend and that it was just a card but I took it personally because she has attacked me before and he didn't mail anyone else a card and it's not like him to mail things so it was clearly something he went out of his way for. Anyway since then she has asked him to hang out several times and I've told him it would bother me and he hasn't done it although he said he wanted to. She is still obsessed with him and thinks they will be together someday. She still posts about him constantly on social media etc. It's his birthday this week and she posted that she's sending him a gift and card. I brought this up to him and said she was annoying and he snapped. He talked to me really rudely, and like was purposely trying to hurt me with what he was saying. He said I'm the one that shouldn't be trusted not him, and brought up my ex from 4 years ago that used to be somewhat of a stalker and said that he should be more worried about that than I should be about his ex. He said I'm insecure and it's annoying and he's sick of me talking and being bothered by his ex. He said he will always care about her and that I need to get over it. I can't tell if he's right and I'm being overly insecure or if I have reason to and he's just switching this on me. Because I do have some insecurities (all of my past exs have cheated) but I feel like I'm pretty trusting considering his best friends that are girls are all girls he's slept with. He later apologized and said he overreacted because he felt I was being confrontational but he does want me to stop being insecure, he was just sorry for his rude choice of words. I feel more unsure about us than ever now

[jaymoq]

Bowsheep, first of all, I'm sorry you're having to go through this! Feeling uncertain about your relationship and losing trust in your partner can be very challenging. Having read your post, I really think this can go one of two ways. First off, no, I don't think you're being unreasonable or that this is due to insecurity. However, I also have to wonder if you've ever expressed how much it bothers you. Which, I have found for some people, this isn't entirely evident. Which can be even more frustrating. I would make sure you have at least one more 'talk' detailing why you're uncomfortable with their contact (her violent history with you, the fact they've had an intimate relationship, etc) and I would make it clear that your relationship cannot function with their relationship (which it is, even if only friends).

Either he is understanding and you can find a compromise of sorts or he is not. If he is not, then you need to reevaluate your own priorities and his and determine if they are conducive to one another.

Personally, I would be really upset if my current partner were still talking to a person that had physically attacked me. Or, heck, even verbally. I would be very concerned because I would expect my partner to support me and to want to protect me from that individual, not continue to fraternize with them.

Having a friendship is possible and aside from his conversations, he might be genuinely innocent in his intentions to her. However, if YOU are not comfortable with his actions, then he needs to put YOU first. You are his girlfriend. You are his partner.

Unfortunately, we all place values and relationships at different levels. Don't for one second think its your fault or your obligation to concede to him. If you're not comfortable, you're not comfortable. As a partner, he should see that and be willing to work with you, not fight with you.

I think you need to take steps to listen to him and to believe that he is being honest. It doesn't seem (from what I've read) he has done anything dishonest, so I would go in to this conversation with an open mind.

Best of luck to you! Don't ever second guess your worth.