[jarajaramelon]

i've had this a few times, no one died, but i knew, or thought i was never gonna talk to them again.

im not sure if it's really grieving.
but i go conversasions over and over again, and hate myself when i find something i could've done better. i told them on the clinic it hurts, it really hurts, everytime i get so emberassed. but they don't believe me and say "how can that hurt"
sometimes i get really mad at the person like "why couldn't you just stay with me?" and i wanna throw with stuff and literally kill myself.

i cant cry. i always find it hard to cry. altho i want to.
but it sounds so impossible because the person doesn't care that much, or i think he doesn't.

some people consider it as grieving. i don't know. it took me more than 3 years to get over the first time i was grieving like that, and then again i met the person again, got entirely crazy and i was wondering why it just wasn't the same and i could still not mean anything to him. now the same is happening to me again with someone else, while im ignoring the other pain, because my "grieving" almost turned into hate.

this might sound very dramatic but. this is how i feel it. im curious if it's really grieving, and where does it come from. can i stop the pain somehow?

[CANDC]

Hi jarajaramelon, it sounds like something I don't understand but could be more easily answered by a therapist in whom you have built up trust.

Being attached to someone is similar to a grieving process when they go away or leave us. You need a safety plan that would include a hotline number such as the Samaritans if you feel so upset to harm yourself.

THe only way I have found a way to go beyond the pain is to uncouple myself to the search for a nurturer that is a carry over from childhood. Every day building a new activity that helps me grow more independent and less searching for someone to take care of me. Yoga, mindfulness and exercises have all been helpful.