[mmvid]

Hello,
I have been married for a year now and my issues concern my mil. She is very cunning. My husband and I both being from typical Indian families live with my in-laws my husband being the only son is expected to share his part of the salary for family's functioning. My mil is also working and it's been 4 yrs that my fil has retired.
My issue here is my mil being a selfish lady doesn't let's us keep my husband's salary. She has always taken loans and made my husband repay them. She never compromises with any of her wishes but we are expected not to spend a single penny without her permission. She goes on holidays every month. Will buy expensive clothes where as my husband and I struggle to repay her loans. I have adjusted with this behaviour for more than a year thinking my husband has duties towards his family, but now that I am expecting a baby it really concerns me alot. I am having sleepless nights thinking what is the future of my child. We pay almost our entire salary for EMIs. We are left with a minimum amount for our monthly expenses. I talk to my husband about this very often telling him that we need to have some amount for ourselves as well and he understands it and tells me that he will talk to his mother but somehow always fails. She always tricks him emotionally into paying her bills. She herself earns a decent amount. My sister in law is also working. She also being close to her mother gives some amount of her sal salary to my mil. Even then my mil always falls short of money. She sold all of her gold for her expenses. she wears my husbhusband's engagement ring which completely annoys me because a engagement ring is such a personal thing. I always tell my husband to ask the ring back from her but he always refuses saying let it go I don't want to start a fight at home. How in the world can anyone wear some one else's engagement ring and how do I explain that to my husband!
I really don't understand how to deal with my mil. She is constantly bothering me with what she expects of my husband. She wants us to bear the expense of my sister in law's marriage expenses in the near future. And my husband has readily agreed. I feel like leaving this house and just live with my child elsewhere earning my own bread of which I am very much capable of. Recently my husband has got a promotion and a decent salary raise which I felt like was a boon for us so that we can save for our child. But now she is expecting us to repay another of her loans Which really makes me angry with my husband. I am afraid he will agree for the pressure she puts on him and we will be again back to zero. I am continuously stressed out thinking about all of this and afraid it might affect my baby.
Please help me know how to deal with my mil.

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central mmvid. I am deeply sorry about how unfair things sound, but I am aware from other friends in India how much sway parents have over children. If you can talk to your parents maybe they can negotiate the situation or maybe you can live without being slaves to his parents. I really cannot say it is a different culture than I understand.

I am a volunteer here at Psych Central and am glad to hear from people like yourself in a forum post or a private message. So glad you joined the Psych Central community. I have felt it is a safe and nurturing environment. Hope you feel comfortable here too.

Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems though still there are more manageable.

There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central mmvid!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator by left clicking on their name in blue to the left of their post if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm sorry for your struggles. You'll find we have a safe and supportive community. I'm glad you've joined us.

I have never been married but CANDC seems to have given you some good advice by suggesting you have your family bring up this issue if culture allows. I could not imagine my mil wearing my husbands engagement ring but if your husband asked you to let it go I would say let it go. I hope that once your husband see's his child he'll be come more focused on fathering that baby and not so much on paying for mom's debts. Best wishes!!!

Congratulations on the baby! I'm so happy for you!!!

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

[Rose76]

I don't think your MIL is likely to ever change. If your husband decides he is being unfairly taken advantage of, he might be able to set limits on her exploitation, but it sounds like he just goes along with her. That kind of leaves you without a leg to stand on, while you live in that home. I hate to sound discouraging, but the challenge you are up against sounds like a near impossible thing to turn around.

Maybe the birth of a son or daughter will make your husband focus less on his mom, but I kind of doubt it. If anything, this MIL is likely to try and take over the upbringing of this child.

It's good that you can earn your own money. However, it will be hard to hold onto it, while your husband's earnings get drained by his mother. That will leave you probably handling a lot of the expenses of your child, and yourself, and even of your husband. People who exploit others for money don't change. She won't change, and she has spent her life training her son to defer to her.

It must be hard, even heartbreaking, to have all this disappointment going on, while being newly married and awaiting your first child. Being a mother will make you a stronger person, but I dont know how you can change the dynamics in that house. It may take your husband fearing to lose you, before he will stand up to his mother. If you and he are good at communicating with each other, start talking with him, lovingly, but firmly. You will be trying to rescue him from his mother's brainwashing. She had a head start, so you have your work cut out for you. You probably won't get anywhere trying to confront the MIL directly, yourself. No one likes to feel fake, but you may need to keep up a pleasant face to her, while you quietly work on your husband behind closed doors. If your mother suspects you are trying to modify your husband's excessive generousity, she will probably try to undermine your husband's respect for you.

I hope you can keep your new, little family together. But keep that back up plan in mind, if you do find it becoming intolerable.

[seeker1950]

Rose76 is so wise, and she gives you good advice. I myself, an American liberated woman, suffered for 20 years with an overbearing mother-in-law, however, she didn't live with us. I wouldn't have lasted a month under those circumstances.

I realize the family structure and cultural traditions are different in your location, but is there any hope of you moving out and living on your own...you and your husband and your baby?

Is there any chance you could relocate to the USA? It would be so refreshing here for you.