Boyfriends overbearing mother

Hey all,

I am writing in this forum because I am desperate for some advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. We have been living together for about a year. My boyfriend is an identical twin and they are 27 years old (I'm 26). My boyfriends mother is unlike anyone I have ever met in my life. She has intense anxiety problems, depression issues and a poor me attitude. My bfs mother favors his twin over him. She is always worried about what his twin wants and what his twin is doing and could care less about my bf and if he is okay. For example, if my bf says something good happened to him or was given to him her response isn't a "congrats" or "thats awesome" it's always ... "well your brother didn't get any of those things (eye roll)"... It baffles me! So here is the issue..

I have tried my hardest to get this woman to approve of me. I buy her gifts, invite her to dinner etc.. She has her moments where she "likes" me but always favors the other twins gf (who by the way has broken up with and physically hit the other twin numerous times). She claims that she spent her whole life raising my boyfriend just for me to "reap the benefits". She gets jealous when he buys me things and takes me on dates. When he took me out for Valentines day she blew up on him with a comment like "not that I was expecting any roses or a happy valentines but.." (cue the eye roll). She told my boyfriend that she feels like she is in competition with me and is always bringing up his ex girlfriend just to get a rise out of me and make me feel uncomfortable. For Christmas she got me and the other gf a set of shampoo and conditioner (Paul Mitchell) when I had expressed to her that I was highly allergic to it numerous times. I ended up having to give the other gf my present. I don't know what to do about this woman.. I call my boyfriend to cry to him about stresses at work and he gets irritated and tells me "I just got off the phone with my mothers emotions.. I can't deal with you too!"

Does anyone have any advice for me? I love my boyfriend so much. We have no issues in our relationship and he treats me like a queen! I just don't know if I can marry this monster in-law. HELP!

Stop buying her gifts and taking her to dinner. Under normal circumstances that would be thoughtful but here it breeds disrespect for you. You can't make her like you.

Read up on narcissistic personality disorder. She does indeed see herself (perhaps unconsciously) in competition with you.

Be aware though that people with NPD are suffering. Try to think of her as pathetic rather than evil.

This is a big problem if this is what the usual pattern is going to be. If you become or are to be his wife, you need to be first. He cannot be her daily, standard resource for venting and controlling.

If he can't find the courage to establish some boundaries with her, you will be second fiddle to her for the rest of her life. Think seriously about whether that is a dealbreaker for you, and if is, tell him so. Tell him in a kind way that you need for him to free himself from her.

I have highlighted some things for you to consider:

I call my boyfriend to cry to him about stresses at work and he gets irritated and tells me "I just got off the phone with my mothers emotions.. I can't deal with you too!"

Does anyone have any advice for me? I love my boyfriend so much. We have no issues in our relationship and he treats me like a queen! I just don't know if I can marry this monster in-law.

You do have an issue in your relationship. You are not first with your boyfriend and he feels free to say "I can't deal with you!" <--that is not treating you like a queen. The queen in this relationship is his overbearing mother.

You will not be marrying his mother; you will be marrying him. But that said, he will likely bring Mom into the relationship because she is still holding onto his backbone.

I suggest couples' counseling and Mom doesn't need to know about it. In fact, I would make this a deal-breaker. Your boyfriend has probably tried everything he can think of to have a 'normal' relationship with his mother. Time for professional help.

Stop trying to butter up his mother; treat her decently but stop her politely if she starts with the comments in your presence designed to cause trouble. If she'd made those inappropriate Valentine's day comments in front of me, I'd have told her with a smile on my face "But [boyfriend's name] is not your boyfriend" and if she is single, I'd also have said "I'd be happy to set you up with a profile on Match.com so you can have your own boyfriend."

The nasty gifts; same thing: politely say "Oh how lovely, unfortunately, I am allergic" It likely won't make her stop doing it, but everyone else in the room eventually will notice she mistreats you.

I married someone under his mother's thumb. We divorced; and one of the nastiest things he said to me (he thought) was "My mom said you never supported me." Not only was that not true in an emotional sense, but it literally wasn't true because at the time I was the only one working, so I was supporting him.

Keep in mind, too, that manipulative people will play people off each other. She might be going on and on about his twin to your boyfriend, and when she is with his twin, be going on and on about him.

I have a question. Do you know if his mother has always seemed to prefer your bfs twin over him or if this is a new thing, perhaps since he started dating you? It seems to me like she maybe feels threatened by you for some reason, and I am wondering if this could be what is responsible for her your bf falling out of favor with her.

Don't bother trying to get this woman to approve of you. She never will. Just be polite, when you are in her presence and try not to react to her provoking you. Your reaction is what she is looking for.

When she gives you a present you can't use, say, "Oh that's lovely." Then drop it off at the Humane Society thrift store. It will buy treats for the orphan puppies and she will have done some good, despite intending to be nasty.

It's not unrealistic to see this lady as a possible impediment to you marrying her son. Now's the time to test how free your bf is of his mom. Maybe she is alienating him, and he will decide not to revolve his life around her. That would be the hoped for outcome. Otherwise, this woman could be a complete pain in the rear for as long as she lives.