[adaptordie]

Woke up again today with some of the nastier memories from my childhood playing out in my head. I hate when that happens. It covers everything else in my day with a layer of sadness and regret. I wish I could just have some of the memories removed. Where is Lacuna, Inc. when I need them? Maybe some day. Meanwhile, I will just have to sit through the pain of my remembrance. All the people I've harmed. All the missed opportunities. The feeling of futility; one step forward, two steps back. I feel so tired. I have to keep going. I have to slap on a happy face, or at least a complacent one. I have people depending on me and responsibilities. I would so very much like to curl up in a corner and feel sorry for myself. Forget about everything and cry until there's only a hollow space left where the pain is now. But it is an indulgence that I just can't allow today. Too much real life-important-now stuff going on. There will be time to cry for the past later.

[kaliope]

i am sorry you are having to deal with so much regret. i hope you get to feeling better soon. take care.

[healingme4me]

Grieving over mistakes of the past, needn't be about no longer being able to function. Describing that the pain makes you want to curl up and cry says that the wounds are either fresh or unresolved from your past or a mixture of both. Putting on that happy façade is only stuffing emotions down, teetering on the chance of a meltdown/breakdown. Embracing the pain of the past needn't set off the entire days mood. I, too, woke up this morning replaying parts of my past. There was something to be gained as the day progressed.(example) My pattern of pain causes me to feel angry when others lie to dismiss my reality. So, when my ex called this morning, to tell me of a work change with'oh, why are you going there today'...i was able to move myself into action. My memory was in being told something that happened to me at 11, 'that didn't happen'. I was told...to my children's father casually'forgets' details, like today...also ended up with a heartfelt text moment with my dad. Waking up with morose memories are the minds way of addressing the present, worries, fears, et al.