Lost

I was never diagnosed with depression, but I think I'm about 75% sure that I was at a little depressed one point when I was 12-13. All I remember was feeling really, really sad and I had no idea why and it never seemed like it was going away. I don't remember ever really thinking about killing myself but I did start sometimes wishing that I wasn't alive anymore a little bit. After a little while, I started feeling really angry. I would fight with my mother pretty much every day because I didn't want to listen to her. After the fights, I usually cry and sometimes I remember hitting myself. I did not get along with my family at all. I never told anyone then at that time that I felt sad. I was afraid. I think my mom just thought I was being a huge brat. I had to go therapy a few times when I was 13 but I stopped going because the therapist and I didn't get along very well.

When I was 16, I told someone that I wanted to hurt myself and I was forced back into therapy, but it never really worked for me.

I tried to kill myself when I was 17.

I started hurting myself when I was 19.

I went to therapy for the first time since I was 16 recently because I think I might be a little bit depressed again. I'm afraid to talk to anyone about it, so I don't know for sure, I guess, but I know that I feel really sad sometimes, but not always. Most of the time it's like I don't feel much of anything, really. Sometimes, I cry for no reason. I have thoughts about hurting myself. I know that I'm not happy but it's like I don't know what to do to change my life. I don't know if it's going to work anyway, if I do try. I don't have any friends so it's not like I have anyone to talk to. I never had any real friends and I can't tell my family because I already know for a fact that they won't understand. They will think that I'm just faking it, I'm lazy, I want attention when I really don't. I'm really scared to tell anyone. They don't really care about me at all. No one does. They've never actually been there for me and they probably never will. My mother says that I'm a ***** and that I need to grow up. She makes me cry and when I tell her that it hurts my feelings, she just says that I deserve it. I already have had low self-esteem since I was 12 years old and hearing that type of thing from my own mother just makes me hate myself. At this point, I don't think I'm ever going to have a good relationship with my family. Basically my entire life sucks and nothing I do is ever right and nothing ever changes. I don't even know if things will or could change at this point. I just want to be normal and this really, really sucks. I really don't know what I want. I'm not really sure what happy feels like anymore. I know that I don't think I can do this anymore. I really don't. I'm a little afraid to say it, but sometimes I feel like I might as well kill myself because I can't be like this forever. I just can't.

Family relationships can often be toxic for many. Have you looked into support groups, for Adult Children of Dysfunction? Have you tried calling a help line?

You should seek help you poor thing - speak to someone. Trust me, you deserve better treatment - this treatment is toxic. I found that my twenties were one big mess of trying to find myself and sort out my life- your thirties get easier in that respect. Speak to a professional and remember your twenties are for f***ing up :-)