[howohsocliche]

<font color="#880000"> I have a few close girl friends who recently signed a year long lease on a house in North Jersey. They're moving in this month.

I'm very concerned about them...Honestly, I think it's a bad idea for a million reasons.

I tried communitating this to one of the girls, but it didn't go well...She got pretty annoyed with me mostly b/c she thought I was being silly. I know I have no power in this situation, but I'm very worried about all our friendships b/c I can't tell you how many times I've seen friendships go up in flames b/c a bunch of them decided to live together. I mean, sometimes they work...But that just seems rare. It's like, once money and living space is put into the equation, an atomic bomb drops.

They're college age, undergraduates specifically. One just graduated [crimminal justice], another dropped out, and the other two are still in the process of getting their degree's. They're pretty young. They all must pay for the apartment by their own means.

I'm concerned because the graduate and the drop-out have no idea what they are doing. Neither of them have jobs lined up. I don't think either of them have made a serious effort to decide on what they want to do with themselves. Neither of them HAVE to live in this apartment. They both have the option to stay home and save some money.
I'm not sure about the financial situation of the other two girls, but I know one is on loans for her entire education, so this isn't a big deal for her since she'd have to pay for an apartment up there anyway.

This house isn't inexpensive. It costs somewhere around 700 bucks a person. I'm pretty sure that whatever jobs these girls get, all their money will be going to living in this house they're leasing....Especially the uneducated drop-out and the crimminal justice graduate [she'll likely end up with a thankless entry level government job that probably won't pay her much for a very long time...Hopefully she can get full time] I'm also pretty sure that these girls don't have much money to fall back on...Meaning that if one of them crashes their car on one of our many highways, they're gonna be in big trouble money-wise.

Aside from them swinging the cost of the house, I'm worried that their friendships will weaken. One has a real *** of a boyfriend that everyone has to tolerate [although he doesn't live nearby], the other is prone to being fussy and sometimes gets hung up over little things with one of the other girls, the other has issues with anxiety and sometimes doesn't speak up enough, blababla....There are just things that I could see going wrong that I don't think anyone has thought of. Like said, I know I really can't say anything, but I would like to somehow get it in their heads that they gotta get their %#@&#! together if they're gonna do this....Otherwise, we may not have a good group of friends anymore. </font>

[sabby]

You are such a good friend to care about them and worry about what they are doing!

Remember though, we cannot control what others do, no matter what we tell them or how we try to help them. This will be a learning experience for all of them. It will be rough, but then again, whoever said life was easy?

I so understand where you are coming from....wanting to open their eyes and make them think of the "what ifs". Unfortunately, not everyone wants to think of those things, they only want to think of the fun and excitement of a new adventure without planning for the whatifs. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.....guess all you can do is be there for them without critisizing when something does go wrong.

I wish you all well! Maybe they can make it....gotta give them a chance don't ya think?

Hugsssssss
J

[Wants2Fly]

Hi there, Howoh.

You've done your best to point out the deficits. Do try not to say, "I told you so," when it turns out you are right. Be supportive so that your own friendships can survive.

If the lease has been signed, it sounds like it's a done deal.

[lenjan]

You're so right to be concerned. My junior year of college, I moved into a house with my 4 best girlfriends. By the end of the year, none of us was speaking to the others, which I regret to this day. I'm still mildly in touch with one, 20 years later, but haven't a clue what happened to the rest of them, and I miss that.

You're a good friend and have done what you can do. It's going to be hard to sit by and watch, I know. But as Wants said, resist the temptation to say "I told you so."

[howohsocliche]

<font color="#880000"> Thanks so much guys, your support helps.

I hope these girls have matured more than I've noticed. I've been going to college a few states away, so I havn't been able to see how they've truely changed.....I hope I'm just over-reacting.</font>

[howohsocliche]

<font color="#880000"> Haha, yea I gotta admit, that "I told you so" part will be hard to avoid......

No one listens to me enough, dammit, hahah. </font>

[drunksunflower]

I don't know if this is an American thing or not.

After our first year of university here (NZ) we all move in with flatmates (roommates) and usually we live with our closest friends. I don't really know anyone who has wrecked friendships by doing so.

Please tell me if I've completely misinterpreted your post ... but it's natural for people who are friends to want to live together?

[howohsocliche]

<font color="#880000"> How relationships go in the US compared to other countries is very different. I'm willing to bet that applies to friendships too.

It does seem natural for a bunch of good friends to want to live together. But, each of their individual circumstances make the whole situation more unusual. Like I said, none of them are financially stable. Technically, only one is in school, and only one graduated. Three of them don't have jobs in the area yet...Jobs that will help them pay rent. There's no guarentee that they can get a job reasonably close to their house. In fact, the house itself is crummy. It's the first month, and they already had a gas leak.

Basically, I think they made a bad decision in deciding to sign a lease on this crappy house that they didn't need. They're going to be living from paycheck to paycheck, or on loans. There are other things I already mentioned that could be an issue. Basically, this was all not well thought out. Because of it, I'm afraid that things won't be the same.</font>

[Perna]

It could work. Maybe they have been working together the last semester or something on this project; the idea had to come from something and it's hard to coordinate that many people and find the place, etc. They might have some plans/funds too from somewhere. I would feel bad being left out of such an enterprise. One of my best friends from high school moved in with other girls in college (we went to the same college) and that made me feel a bit lonely/sad. It's hard for me to watch others do something I'm not able to at the moment for some reason.

[EJ711]

Howo,

I think it will be a test of their friendship.

Let us know how it goes.

EJ

[Robyn222]

I would let their parents worry about this stuff, that is usually what they do best. You can just be their friend.

[howohsocliche]

<font color="#880000">One girl had to choose between a down-payment on a car or the security deposit on this house because she is so strapped for cash. Naturally, she chose to pay her security deposit, but now she has no money for a much needed car. She's a very unwise spender...She's does not watch her budget. ..Which does not make her a very good candidate as a roommate. The other girls will have to pick up the slack if she fails to pay rent. To me, that says that these girls have NOT seriously planned this, simply b/c they asked her to room with them. The other girl is using loan money to live everyday. She could be using less of that loan money if she decided to simply get a cheaper place. She does not have a job to help her out. Loans pay for virtually everything. But, she doesn't needs to spend hundreds of dollars extra on this house. She cannot afford to do be spending more money than she needs to...Especially w/ the major she picked.

The other two girls are better off, I think? One girl has been working at her school a few times a week as a night shift bus driver, so she has spending money. She seemed to be able to pay the security deposit without much fuss, however, you can't pay monthly rent with what was intended to be spending money and/or accident money. She's going to have to juggle grad school with a job that can pay rent...So I hope she can do it. The other girl I really don't know about.

They just invited a stranger to live with them b/c they couldn't afford to have the place without the help of this stranger's rent money. This is kind of unsettling.

Regardless, they have not completed their education, and they do not have jobs up there. At least one of them are having serious issues w/ money, which is enough to cause huge problems with money and friendships. If they cannot find decent jobs to sustain their usual income, or get a decent education in the meantime, then there's gonna be an issue.

They asked me to join them, I didn't want any part of it. I live at home and I save my money like most other college kids that have parents that let them do this. These girls know how difficult it is for me to live at home b/c my family is difficult to reason with, but I know it will be worth it b/c I'll be better off when I first move out. 3 of these girls had the same option, but they wanted to spend their money on this house instead.

Things don't need to be coordinated in order for a group to try and make something work. There are a lot of things that can go wrong, and the thing is, things are already going wrong with the house itself! I hope their friendships last through whatever hard times may come. </font>

[howohsocliche]

<font color="#880000">Their parents are....Well....

One set of parents spoiled my one friend too much [so these parents will let her do whatever], the other friend has parents that don't exist [she has lived with her grandmother all her life, and since her grandmother is not paying for college she doesn't have much say in the matter], the other has had unusual issues with her family since childhood making her less likely to listen to them if they protested......The last girl I'm unsure of, but I think her family situation is better....

Basically, the parents don't have much say....As a result, at least half of these girls won't have good guidence. Another reason for concern.....And another reason why I wish they would have listened to their other friend's concerns before they signed the lease [I'm not their only friend who thinks this is a bad idea] </font>

[Wants2Fly]

How oh -- I am starting to wonder why you are so emotionally invested in making sure that these friends live their lives the way you think they should. It is starting to sound a bit controlling, in my humble opinion as someone very much on the outside of the situation.

[Robyn222]

I agree with the last poster. It doesn't add up all of this detailed almost obsessive concern for your friends choices. They have the right to make wrong choices. That is the way it goes sometimes.

[howohsocliche]

<font color="#880000"> I'm basically a self-rightous ***** that needs a venting outlet I have ADD, and one of my symptoms is a short fuse.....

I havn't made a whole to-do about their move in real life like I have on here. I spoke to one of the girls about it during a short lived AIM convo. When she seemed to get annoyed w/ me, I dropped it and we talked about something else. I'm not trying to give them a hard time about it. Me and my boyfriend have been helping them pack up and move in...And we're going to visit them reguarly when they're finally up there. We're going to be supportive friends, and that's all we can do. My behavior doesn't match my feelings, and that's basically what matters.</font>