[Rose3]

Not sure what's going on. This is really just an acquaintance - who invites me from time to time. So I go along - and usually end up realizing that I am not having a very good time. Thinking afterwards of ways to make excuses (to not go along next time). But then there's another invitation, so I go along. Same thing. Part of the problem is that when I am there, the acquaintance wants to book my time, like for tomorrow, and the next day too. So I end up - saying that I am not making any promises. And then I do go - and during this get together the acquaintance wants to know what I do during the week too. And several other questions about activities. I can understand that this acquaintance wants someone to do things with, but - these are just not in my current interest range. And I find that even once a week is more than enough of seeing any person, so I do not want to get together more often, including not every day of the weekend, and not on weekdays too. So we go out for a brief lunch, and I am left to pay (at a spot that I don't like, in an atmosphere that I don't like, and I feel like I was not part of this choice at all - in terms of where, and when). And I once again tell myself - don't agree to go anymore. Can someone help me with this? It results in me feeling like I am once again becoming the paying companion (and I do not want this - because it's too much like the babysitter role). How do I stop this?

[Crazy Hitch]

Oh wow .... this is a really tricky situation.

You sound like a very caring person who doesn't want to hurt other people's feelings.

But this is not a two way beneficial friendship (aquaintance). You're not getting out of this it seems like it's more give give give, on an emotional level anyway.

I'd say either ... ignore? Hard, I know otherwise you would have done this already.

Or else you're going to have to start with some random ways to respond when you are invited by thinking of something to do when you're invited the next time. So if your acquaintance says can we do xyz tomorrow (hopefully you're contacted by text) - you can say along the lines, thank you, but no thank you, tomorrow I have to ............

The other option is to give an honest response when you are asked to go out and say no thank you, that really doesn't interest me, I'd rather give that one a miss.

Alternatively suggest somewhere else / something else to do.

I hope that this works out for you!

[IrisBloom]

It's possible to learn to say no without regrets or explanations. The first rule is to be kind to yourself. If you don't want to go, refuse the invitation. The other party may be offended or disappointed, but they will get over it.

[Rose3]

Thanks for these responses. I think partly it's the problem that when I do say no, the acquaintance starts trying to analyze my day, to try to re-organize it so that I can go with (even tho I have said that I don't really want to go).

Ack. That does sound tricky. I'm waiting to see what other people say, because I'm rotten at handling this kind of situation.

[Cat_Lover_58]

I think at first it's difficult to say no and stick to your guns. The more you do decline the invitations and suggestions, the easier it'll get for you. I still feel funny when I say "no" to things or people, but you do feel a little stronger each time.

Stick to what's good for you...Cat

[Rose3]

thanks again. Because during today's get together, I realized how angry I was becoming (inside) - and trying to keep perspective. With other people, I've been able to space things out a bit more comfortably. You see, it isn't that I want to completely end seeing various people, but it's more a thing about too much, too often, wrong time of day, etc. Basically I am really really really busy, with very little spare time. So when I have a moment - there's always something needing to be done, or sometimes I just need to find quiet time away from people, so that my mind can rest, and clear. So for there to be someone trying to impose demands on my personal time - well - this just doesn't work very well for me.

[lavendersage]

Originally Posted by Rose3

thanks again. Because during today's get together, I realized how angry I was becoming (inside) - and trying to keep perspective. With other people, I've been able to space things out a bit more comfortably. You see, it isn't that I want to completely end seeing various people, but it's more a thing about too much, too often, wrong time of day, etc. Basically I am really really really busy, with very little spare time. So when I have a moment - there's always something needing to be done, or sometimes I just need to find quiet time away from people, so that my mind can rest, and clear. So for there to be someone trying to impose demands on my personal time - well - this just doesn't work very well for me.

Skipping the part about feeling angry inside, I'd tell her exactly what you wrote from the "With other people..." sentence going forward. It's the truth, well and simply put. Either she gets it and backs off or, if not and she tries to re-organize your day for you, you smile a little, give a little shrug and say, "Sorry, not today. Thanks for asking though."

[hvert]

Ugh, I hate those situations too! What the poster above said about it getting easier the more you say no was really true for me. Some things that helped me put an end to that stuff:

I told people that I was cutting out coffee and lunch dates completely because I was wasting too much time and money. I said that I found it hard to say no when people asked, so I was just going to say no to everyone all the time.

When people press for my schedule, I just tell them that I can't remember. "I know I had a bunch of stuff going on this week/that day, but I can't remember. I'll have to check when I get home." A relative of mine does that kind of phishing and it drives me nuts. Sometimes people are extremely persistent and it is very hard not to accidentally give them some piece of info that they then latch onto.

If you chose the restaurant, would it make a difference with this person? If you think about telling her that you can only see her once a month, do you still feel the dread?

[Rose3]

Thanks - these responses are helpful.
Sometimes - it's been easy to explain to various people that I will be "on retreat" - so they know that by this it means - please don't contact me for a week. I kind of like the idea about telling people that I'm cutting out coffee/lunches completely, or that I am going to say no to everyone all the time (sometimes I almost feel like that, although it isn't "me" really. But I don't like it when folks start interrogating about my plans, because I've come to realize that some of them don't really care what my plans are - they just want to find a way to take over my time for their own agenda (or to start some unwanted meddling), so I've learned to avoid these (so I get into this response routine of vagueness - so it becomes a meaningless encounter). I don't know. Why the persistence? Is it this intensity of their wanting something? I can remember when I was much younger, and intensely wanting something - so I can sort of empathize. About making a choice about the restaurant - not sure if it would make a difference - because the making of that kind of decision is something that is important to me to be equally part of that decision (as I do not like being dragged around by others) - yet it could be that this particular person is already getting on my nerve too much. I don't even want to mention seeing the person once a month, because that's too much like a commitment (and I don't want any commitment - feels to be too much of a demand, and it might put me off with the dread, therefore I would feel the dread for the entire month in advance. Seems like I need to have no contact for a while. Keep in mind that this is not a friend. This is simply an acquaintance who lives in my same apartment building. That's all. So with this clinginess - I am currently telling myself that this person's style likely occurs with everyone, so it isn't about me at all. This person likely does not have much interest in me - because it's all about finding out a bit of information, and then their trying to latch onto my spare time (except that I don't have spare time). Oh it feels like an invasion.

"No" is a complete sentence. (My therapist reminded me and it is true!) xo