[Blue101]

So, let me start out by saying I've been in a relationship with my bf for almost a year now, after previously being in an emotionally abusive one for about 8 months. My current bf is the complete opposite of the abuser.
The problem though is my mother.
She never has anything good to say about him, and I can't even mention his name around her for fear that it starts an argument. We had a 'blip' in the relationship about 3 months in, but sorted it between ourselves and continued on, however since that time my mother does nothing but pick holes and criticize him, especially to me when he isn't around. The criticism is always over such small things that most rational people wouldn't bat an eyelid at - like he stood at the fridge with the door open while taking a mouthful of water, before putting the bottle back in the fridge and closing the door. That for her was a big thing.
There are too many things that are said to list here, it would just take forever, but the reason I'm here seeking guidance is I can't take any more of this, and she won't stop, even after repeated explanations of how it's negatively affecting me.
The criticism/nagging/picking holes - whatever you want to call it - happens so frequently that it is hammering away at my health, my mental health mostly. I feel lost, like there's no way for me to stop this from happening, like it's just something I have to live with - I certainly don't want to leave my bf, and he hasn't done anything to warrant such consistent bashing all the time. It always turns into an argument because, as much as I know it doesn't help, I can't just let my mother bad-mouth him when he doesn't deserve it, and because I won't take on her opinions as my own it just makes my mother more angry and fuels more criticism.
I know what a bad relationship is, I was in one previously, so I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart that the one I have with my bf now is not bad in any shape or form. I just don't understand why my mother can't be happy for me, that I've finally found someone decent and caring, and someone that truly makes me happy.
I must note that she doesn't have any friends - but makes no attempt at making any either, even when I've offered to try to help. She always says no one would want to be friends with her because she has arthritis that slows her down while walking. I've told her that's not necessarily true and to let the person decide, not make up their mind for them, but it's like talking to a wall most days. We also lost my dad just over 10yrs ago, but she still seems to dwell on not having him around - she won't seek help/therapy for that at all, and simply insists she's "not going nuts" and won't let me try to tell her she is (even though all I did was gently suggest that she's might be a little depressed, and it might help to talk it out with someone).
What can you do when someone who's supposed to be happy for you when good things happen, is only ever miserable, and isn't happy until you're miserable too? I try to separate myself as much as possible, but then that ends up being wrong too....I can't win, and I can't live like this anymore. I'm not sure how much more I can take before I shut down completely.

[WibblyWobbly]

I have the same mom. She was pretty much cured of her verbal diarrhea when I moved out.

You've described your situation well. It does sound extremely difficult to bear.

I don't know if you live with your mother or what your general age is (which somewhat affects what we can expect our mothers to think they can get by with saying to us.) Not that what your mother is saying to you would be appropriate even if you're a teenager, but the best way to go about getting your mother to stop doing this may vary depending on your age.

I don't know if you feel comfortable sharing more info?

Hi, I can certainly see how that constant negativity from her would be so toxic. Are you able to get some space from her when she starts in on the criticizing? Perhaps go to your bedroom (if you live in the same home) or politely but firmly ending the conversation and hanging up if it's on the phone, etc.

She has boundary problems. I hope things improve soon. xo

[guilloche]

I agree that she has boundary problems. Do you live with her? Do you have a therapist - this is the type of thing that is PERFECT to practice with a therapist, in my opinion.

What I think you need to do is sort of what you'd do with a little kid.

She starts complaining about your boyfriend. You say (firmly!): "Mom, I understand that you don't like Gerald. You've made your position very clear. I like him very much, and am not interested in hearing any more negative comments about him. If you can't stop criticizing him, I'm not going to spend time with you."

If she then continues, you WALK AWAY. You can say something like, "Mom, I told you that I wasn't interested in hearing any more criticism of Gerald. I'm leaving now."

The key is to completely disengage with her, so she gets no more attention or reinforcement from her complaining, and so that you get away, and don't get sucked into an argument.

You don't have to repeat step 1 each time, but every time you're together and she starts criticizing your boyfriend, you do step 2 again - tell her that you are not interested in hearing it, and physically leave.

I'm not a therapist (but I read alot!) - so I can't make any guarantees. But it seems like this might get the idea through to her that her behavior is not acceptable, and that you won't tolerate it.

BTW, I'm glad you've found somebody that you like, and are in a good, loving relationship, you deserve that! I'm really sorry that your mom can't be more supportive, or at least keep her criticism to herself. I almost wonder, given she has no friends and your dad is gone, if she's afraid that she's losing you too now? I don't know if that would change your approach to her at all, it seems like she's so inflexible and unwilling to look at her own stuff.. it really does make it hard.

Good luck!