[specialneedsmom]

I had a friend for about 18 years that died suddenly, this occurred five years ago. We both met each other as young adults and had a long term friendship. During this friendship, it was very tumultuous. Occasionally, she could be verbally cruel or say cutting things. Most of the time we got along well. We took many vacations together, even one trip overseas, and we would talk on the phone at least once a week or see each other. We also got to know each others families. During all these years, occasionally she would make reference to this woman named "Susan" as being her "best friend". It was someone she used to work with. This kind of stung the first time I heard it, because I had thought we were best friends of course, since we traveled together, hung out together, talked all the time and shared many confidences. But after a while I decided I didn't care anymore. That she was confirming my status as just a friend and not a best friend. This woman named Susan lived in a nearby city, but she hardly ever saw her. Maybe once a year. I never met Susan in person. Then, when my friend died, this woman named Susan was not even at her funeral.
Since then, my friend's family members will contact me on facebook once in a while to "talk" about their lost loved one. This has gone on for years. And they never ask about me, how I am doing, or how my family is doing. I have been there for support, but now I feel its time to move on. I would like to know how to nicely tell these people to contact Susan instead of me. Since Susan was her best friend, I feel it would be more appropriate for them to contact her now. I know that sounds cold, but I feel I should honor the classifications she established for people she knew during her lifetime. Also, I really have no desire to talk to her mom anymore for several reasons. Her mom contacted me over a month ago, pretty much demanding that I call her on the phone. I've been putting it off for a long time, but I really don't want to talk to her.

[Little Lulu]

I think it is fine to tell your deceased friend's relatives that you wish them well but for personal reasons you are not going to commincate with them on Facebook any longer. It isn't necessary to provide an explanation to them as to why. I do not think it is necessary or appropriate for you to recommend they now connect with 'Susan'. Better to leave how they spend their time on Facebook up to them.

By the way, I am sorry for the loss of your friend. Although you had your ups and downs, it sounds like you had some nice times with her and she had significnt meaning in your life.

[Bill3]

What Little Lulu said.

[specialneedsmom]

Originally Posted by Little Lulu

I think it is fine to tell your deceased friend's relatives that you wish them well but for personal reasons you are not going to commincate with them on Facebook any longer.

So do I unfriend them on Facebook? I am not sure if I am ready to go that far yet. I have nothing against them, I just wasn't the person they thought I was (their deceased one's best friend - I wasn't her best friend).

[Little Lulu]

I don't see a need to unfriend them, especially if you aren't ready to. Maybe just be a little more brief in your responses to them and eventually the relationship will dwindle. What you know about your deceased friend's relationships is between you and her and should stay that way. Eighteen years later her relatives wouldn't 'get it' anyway if you told them.

Maybe the real 'work' to be done is on your part ... the loss and the hurt you still feel in relation to her. That would benefit you more than anything you could do as far as her living relatives go. There may be a gift in this for you if you see it that way.

[specialneedsmom]

I do not feel any hurt in regards to her not considering me her best friend. I am years beyond that. Most of all, I am just getting offended that her family still want me to be their grief therapist. I can't help them work through their issues. I've had lots of my own problems in recent years since this friend died, including the death of my mother recently.

[Bill3]

I am very sorry for the loss of your mother.

What if you follow Little Lulu's suggestions about the facebook messages?

[healingme4me]

Could say that it's sometimes difficult for you to dwell on the memories. Could mention that utilizing a counselor to work through the grief is helpful for many. Could say that right now, you're at a point in life where you need to step back.
Unfriending does seem a bit extreme. Maybe the more unavailable you become, the less they'll reach out. Could limit them from seeing much of your activities. Could disable chat. Maybe disable messaging in private?
Certainly sounds like they make it about them and aren't moving forward.

[Little Lulu]

Originally Posted by specialneedsmom

I do not feel any hurt in regards to her not considering me her best friend. I am years beyond that. Most of all, I am just getting offended that her family still want me to be their grief therapist. I can't help them work through their issues. I've had lots of my own problems in recent years since this friend died, including the death of my mother recently.

No, you certainly are not responsible for any grief work your friend's family needs to do. I am sorry to hear about your mother. If you had a good relationship with her, then it is a great loss in your life. If perfectly acceptable, even good for you to let go of what isn't working for you and attend to your own business.