[anxiousandlettinggo]

My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly a year now (I'm 31 and she's 32), and the relationship has been really good. There's been a lot of trust, respect and real love between us - until two days ago.

Before I get into what happened two days ago, I think some context is necessary. It's been a rough time these past few weeks. I was already feeling quite stretched due to not looking after myself properly over the last two or three months (my anxious insecurity usually results in me spending more time taking care of others than myself - something I've really been trying to work on over the last two years). I've been feeling a growing sense of lack of confidence due to, practically, not having enough time to do many of the things that make me me. Most of my time nowadays ends up going into chores, making food, shopping, etc. with my girlfriend, and then spending time together, with little time left for myself (I'm somewhat of an introvert, so this has been quite difficult for me). It's been quite hard to figure out how to balance priorities, given all the things that practically need to be done when you want to live with someone else (with some deep-rooted insecurity thrown into the mix). So, I made a decision two or three weeks ago that I was going to make more of a concerted effort to set aside at least an hour or two in the evenings to get to the things that I needed to do for myself, even if it meant cutting back a little on chore time or spending time with my girlfriend (we do spend a large amount of time together already).

Then, literally a day or two after making that decision, my girlfriend's sister had a miscarriage at 40 weeks. The doctors still can't explain it. The night before, the baby was fine and then, the next morning, in a routine checkup, the baby's heart had stopped. My girlfriend phoned me in tears and I dropped what I was doing at work to go to the hospital to be with my girlfriend to support her emotionally. I suddenly realised that I was going to have to provide quite a bit of emotional support to my girlfriend over the next while. I put my own needs aside even further to be able to be there for her. I went into a survival mode of some sort (I suppose something reminiscent of the way I lived as a child).

I was really present for my girlfriend and she thanked me for all of my support.

Within a week from that incident, I was feeling even more stretched. I managed to squeeze in doing a few of the things that I needed to do for myself, which did feel good in terms of taking care of myself, but it wasn't nearly enough.

My girlfriend and I had been talking about moving in together for a while (we've spent pretty much every night together since relatively early on in the relationship), and so prior to the incident with her sister's baby, I had decided to give notice at the place where I was staying, and the landlady managed to find another tenant way quicker than I'd expected, so I had to be out of my flat by the end of last week. So while this whole incident was going on with my girlfriend's sister, I also had to manage the process of moving my stuff into storage and getting out of my place. (In hindsight, giving up my place and moving in together was probably too quick).

Then, last week, my grandmother passed away, and I found that I didn't even have the emotional energy to grieve the loss. We weren't very close, but it still added to the compounding emotional tension within myself. Practically, I had to take the day off work to help with logistics around the funeral and spend time with my father (with whom I hardly have any relationship due to his alcoholism and lack of input in my life for decades now). The day of the funeral was quite an emotionally stressful day, due to the strained family dynamics with my dad and my dad's side of the family.

So, back to two days ago. I woke up in the morning feeling really off. Rather anxious and insecure - more so than usual. I kinda ignored it, thinking it would pass, like it usually does when I acknowledge it for the non-real emotion it usually is.

That evening, I remember my girlfriend taking a phone call, and from the way she was speaking to the person I thought it was her ex (with whom she's claimed that she's broken ties, but he still often seems to try to worm his way back into her life in one way or another). Afterwards she said that she was talking to one of her other friends, and for some reason I just couldn't shake this overpowering sense of mistrust that she was lying to me. She never speaks to her friends so cordially over the phone. I thought that perhaps she was lying to me to protect me in some way, because whenever she makes contact with her ex I tend to feel somewhat insecure (on the odd occasion when I have felt insecure and needed help allaying that fear, I've always brought it up in a respectful way, like "I'm feeling insecure at the moment, and I'd really appreciate a little help with..." etc.). But for some reason, the possibility of her lying to me, even if out of a place of wanting to not affect my feelings, drove me nuts. It's like something snapped inside of me.

I then did something that was totally out of character for me (I've never done this before: even though I was tempted by my insecurity at times, I've always been so good at fielding that insecurity). I went and checked her call records behind her back. The last two calls in her log, and quite a few other calls on the same day were from her ex. I ended up confronting her about this in a rather attacking way (also out of character, because I'm usually pretty together when I have difficult discussions nowadays), accusing her of lying to me.

Of course, she was mortified that I'd invaded her privacy like that, and I admit that what I did was actually abusive. It's not acceptable in any loving relationship to do that to someone. It felt at the time though that I just had nothing left to restrain that insecure part of myself and it took the reigns.

She then told me that the two calls were missed calls from him while she was on a WhatsApp call with her friend. My heart sunk, because I suddenly realised what I'd done. She's never done anything to indicate to me that she's been disloyal to me, and I attacked her loyalty out of sheer insecurity.

So, I've been kicked out of our place now so she can have some time to figure out if this relationship is really what she wants. Of course, I've given her that space, because I understand that what I did broke the trust in our relationship. It's just really awful to have to have gone through these difficulties over the past few weeks and then be out in a hotel on my own now due to an irrational outburst, in the first week that we were supposed to be living together officially, with no other home of my own.

My therapist has recommended that I start taking some medication for my anxiety - perhaps it'll help me through this time. I can't shake the feeling, however, that if I'd looked after myself properly for the past few months, when this difficult time came I would've been more capable of dealing with it and this irrational outburst would've been more easily avoided. I've never done anything like that before, and I'm horrified that I was capable of doing that.

Part of me feels as though I sincerely hope that we can work through the trust issues that I've now caused in our relationship. Part of me feels incredibly relieved, however, that I've got some space to myself. I'm not sure what the best road forward's going to be, but I do know, and perhaps this is a hard lesson for me, that looking after yourself should be your first priority. Otherwise you won't have the resources to look after others effectively.

[iwonderaboutstuff]

"Of course, she was mortified that I'd invaded her privacy like that, and I admit that what I did was actually abusive." I'm confused here... are you saying checking her call log was abusive? or did you act abusively during the confrontation, and if so, in what form? Sometimes when people fight they yell and/or use colorful language. While not desirable, if it's not typical behavior you make up and move on.

While I'd most certainly have an issue with my privacy being invaded, it's hardly a kick you out of the house type of offense. If she was that concerned about her privacy she'd use a passcode and change it regularly. She's deflecting. You caught her lying. You noted several calls from the ex that day.

I'm a lot older than you but TBH if I really loved someone and knew that they had been through as much **** as you have over the last few weeks and you'd been there for me when I had my own problems, I couldn't care less if you looked at my call history on my phone or my laptop or anything. I would still love you and be with you and not kick you out. Not because I'm a doormat but because people you care for deserve some slack. And because I would have nothing to hide. Perhaps it would make me feel strange you'd want to check up on me but then again I'd try to understand how YOU felt. Because life isn't just about me. I sincerely hope you work things out, you sound like a good person.

[avlady]

i think it was not such a big deal that you checked up on her, she gave you reason too. you were vulnerable after the things that were going on an i also don't think it is enough to end this relationship.

[anxiousandlettinggo]

Originally Posted by iwonderaboutstuff

"Of course, she was mortified that I'd invaded her privacy like that, and I admit that what I did was actually abusive." I'm confused here... are you saying checking her call log was abusive? or did you act abusively during the confrontation, and if so, in what form? Sometimes when people fight they yell and/or use colorful language. While not desirable, if it's not typical behavior you make up and move on.

While I'd most certainly have an issue with my privacy being invaded, it's hardly a kick you out of the house type of offense. If she was that concerned about her privacy she'd use a passcode and change it regularly. She's deflecting. You caught her lying. You noted several calls from the ex that day.

Thanks so much for the response. I was most certainly not abusive - I was only talking about the invasion of privacy as an abusive act. I've never been physically abusive, and have never used abusive language. My previous relationship was with a narcissist, and even when she hurled verbal abuse at me I never once hurled any back.

I've also actually been questioning how extreme this reaction has been... But I'd like to extend her the benefit of a doubt. She's never lied to me before, and she's always acted with a lot of integrity.

[divine1966]

You invading her privacy was not the best move but it is not abuse. Or unforgivable offense

I am pretty sure she is lying to you. I do talk to my ex husband as we have a kid together, we talk less now as our daughter us grown but we still do talk. We got divorced over 20 years ago and in all those years there was ONE missed call. I accidentally dialed his number and he texted back if I am ok as there was no message, I replied that was an accident.

Two( why two?) missed calls in one day plus possibly talking to him and lying to you that was someone else is bothersome

. I also don't understand kicking out business. If she knows you gave up your residence and you two intend to live together she can't just kick you out! Where is she thinking you would be living since you have nowhere to go?

You sound like s great person and I wonder if she appreciates you



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[divine1966]

I went back to reread that I see there were several calls from ex in one day. How many times one call their exes. Even if you talk every day ( which is crazy) it wouldn't be several calls!
Two were missed but what about the rest?

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[brainhi]

Sounds like you both are going through some very stressful times..... plus learning to live with someone is not that easy either. I'm impressed with how people conduct themselves through stressful times - because if you are a couple this is a big one. Also, having to worry if you will be kicked out if you make a mistake ..... hmmm that would cause most people to be insecure.

I have anxiety issues - which are much better over the years... but I have used meds during very stressful times (recently)... it did not take care of my problems but it did give my brain a break and I have the energy to get back on my feet. I know this is not everyone's answer.

Good luck to you... I can tell it's very difficult learning to co-exist with another. I have a lot of fear about relying on others - so personally, I would not move back in with the person.

[PowerOfNoSelf]

I too have some issues around jealousy towards my partner with his relationship to his ex and even his relationships with other people...
In learning to overcome this, what I realize is the insecurity is MY problem. I need to overcome these thoughts and feelings to have a truly rich relationship with any partner.
I believe you nailed it square on the head "anxiousandlettinggo" when you admit you have not given yourself enough attention. Daily quality time for yourself has the power to keep you secure and strong through any storm.

I envision and work towards not being effected adversely by ANY circumstance (even if my jealousy is warranted), and I feel I can only do this by changing myself from the inside.

When I play a jealousy scenario out to the end (in my head), I realize even the worse outcome actually has no power over me.

It's staying grounded to these ideas, and not getting "stuck in my head" that is sometimes hard. Daily mediation or your idea of quality alone time is a sure start to a great day!!

[Trippin2.0]

These lovely ladies have said all I would have said, had I discovered your thread earlier.


All I can add is, find a place of your own, regardless of what happens with the relationship.


She's acting shady, over reacting, yes! she most certainly is because even though you invaded her privacy, she KNOWS about your insecurities, you didn't portray the picture of confidence and then out of nowhere suddenly drop an insecurity bomb shell from left field.


I wouldn't want to live with anyone who even hinted at removing the roof from above my head.


And I only have bouts of mostly manageable anxiety, its not something I contend with very often.


Hmmm, guess I had something to say after all.


A person who truly loves you wouldn't add to your suffering, remember that.

[divine1966]

Good point about not adding to ones suffering.

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[anxiousandlettinggo]

Thanks everyone so much for the responses! I've been debating in my head whether to pursue the line of inquiry regarding whether or not she was actually lying to me, and I've come to the conclusion that there's no way I could possibly know. One of the really hard lessons I've learned here is to always, always trust, until you have glaringly undeniable evidence to the contrary that you cannot trust someone. Sometimes certainty just isn't possible in life and you have to trust that life will illuminate the cracks in time as you go.

I also realised that I gave in too easily to her request to leave the house. My decision came from a place of shame and guilt, as opposed to thinking about what was best for the relationship. I've since come to forgive myself for what I did, have a little compassion for myself (difficult, given how hard I've always been on myself).

I know that someone who truly loves you wouldn't add to your suffering. That was also something I was debating in my head over the past few days. But I think that it's probably because I wasn't assertive enough in taking what I needed and what was simultaneously best for the relationship (i.e. staying with her at home) that she somehow felt the need to take control. She herself suffers from anxiety, and has been working on it for years now too.

So this morning I told her gently that I love her and that I'm coming home, and that I want to make things work and that I've got a plan for a better, healthier structure for our relationship going forward (one that give both of us more space and time). I didn't sleep at all last night, so it was difficult to be open and vulnerable like that without being anxious - just focusing on what's best for both of us, and there's a lot of value in us being together. But it seems to have paid off - she wants me to come back so we can talk through things and she wants to make things work.

One thing I won't ever do again is treat myself like a second-class citizen in my relationship. I deserve to be well cared for and I need to be kind to myself first, so that I can give out of a place of strength as opposed to giving into debt. Also, people lose respect for you if you allow them to walk all over you. I've gotten better at putting my foot down with that sort of thing in all of my other relationships, but yet another hard lesson I've learned here is that it's vitally important to a healthy relationship to establish and maintain those sorts of healthy boundaries.

Here's hoping it works out well in the end

[divine1966]

That sounds great. And I agree that allowing yourself to have space and do your own thing is important.

Yup my t says sometimes we just do not have the answers.

I think maybe she lied because you get upset when she talks to ex. My ex BF was always upset if I talked to my ex husband and I did it when he wasn't there. Nothing inappropriate. But I didn't want to hear another argument. So consider that

Keep us updated please

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[brainhi]

Sounds good.... and I have to throw a "but" in there. You need to come to an agreement with her that an argument does not lead to anyone leaving the home (maybe to gather their thoughts is cool - but not kicked out) - unless there is some sort of abuse.

This comes from my own experiences and lack of trust combining a household/income - I've lost in the past - things, animals (cannot imagine if had children) mental health and it's been very difficult to get back on my own.

On the other hand - I do realize that if you do not try - you might not find out if it could all work out beautifully and fear and insecurity could rob you of a great relationship.

My main goal is to be able to take care of myself and have a good life by myself - the significant other is the friend the bonus - icing on the cake.

[anxiousandlettinggo]

So, the past week or so has seemed quite idyllic with my gf - she's either been superwoman in terms of her grace and forgiveness or there's something else going on here.

I only just got myself an iPhone yesterday - I've never had an iPhone like hers before and have been using Android phones for the past few years, so I've never been accustomed to the interface.

Turns out, missed calls come up in red in an iPhone log. When you've called someone or someone calls you, those calls come up in black, and it appears as though that convention has been around for some time now: https://discussions.apple.com/thread/1672052

I have a mostly photographic memory, and I can still see the image in my mind of when I (wrongfully, I know) looked at my gf's call log, and those several calls in one day were all in black. She still maintained, even after kicking me out, that those were missed calls from him.

Granted, she could have been trying to protect me from feeling insecure, because she's had to deal with her ex a couple of times regarding dogs that they shared together. Every time she does interact with him I do tend to have a visceral, anxious reaction (from others' perspectives, I tend to withdraw for a bit while I deal with those difficult emotions). I know it's rooted in an irrational fear of abandonment from childhood, which is what I'm dealing with in my daily work on myself and in my work with my therapist.

My gf seems to feel as though she is the "cause" of that feeling, even though I've explicitly told her many times that it's not her fault that I feel like that, but that she does have the power to help me out of that feeling (usually just a hug or some tenderness - you know, simple physical affection).

I want to give her the benefit of a doubt here and believe that she was just trying to protect me from feeling that insecurity again, but what's with *still* lying to me, sticking to the original story, even after we've come to reconciliation and an agreement that we'll be fully open and transparent with each other?

Essentially, my gut is telling me one thing (that she lied to me), and my head is telling me something else (that there must be another way of looking at this that doesn't involve the possibility of her lying to me).

How does one deal with this sort of situation in a healthy way?

[90confused]

hi after reading your post one thing you need to do, take charge of your life and please please stop critising yourself and taking blame for everything. i know its a bad thingto invade someones privacy but almost every coulpe does that at one time or the other but they dont end up getting kicked out of their house.
if you have been in a loving relationship with her for 2 years and have been with her through her thick and thin (btw really sorry to hear about the miscarriage at 40 weeks tht child must have been fully formed RIP) and you have been handling funerals and moving houses the past week. alot of the times people have this sinking anxiety feeling the panick attacks the insecurity the sweaty palms the racy heart the worries that they have all the time, and thy go through thier life with thier head high. and you are one of them. your girlfriend if she sleeps with you almost every night and lives with you would know that you are an anxious person and you do have a tendency to break down a few times. she should have understood that and seen the whole thing from your perspective and not kicked you out.
and this is the reason why part of you is feeling free and ready to give the space. so listen to that part. give yourself and your girlfriend some space. think about yourself, think about the whole issue analyse it, and you will realise that you are blaming yourself so much. stop doing that. if your girlfriend still loves and "understands" you take her back or else you have yourself