[PippaIsAlone]

Firstly, I will post this on the borderline forum as I am leaving it today.

I've had "anger issues" all my life, since I was a young child.

I'm 20 now and finally coming to realize that those "anger issues"/"emotional issues" (basically what my therapist called being borderline). The very hurtful thing about this is this- I know I'm not. I know, I know. Of course I'm going to say I'm NOT borderline. But actually, it's a little weird but... I was going through some things and I told my mother that I felt overwhelmed with life and how unsupported I felt. Instead of talking to me, she sent me to psych ward. Thrice. Now, I went to the same one every time. I was so angry that she'd decided that I obviously had a major problem and she couldn't handle it. Mind you, all I wanted was her support and help. I needed help from something SHE had caused. Every time I was there I was so angry. I was beyond angry. I felt hurt and betrayed. I was then diagnosed with bipolar, then it was changed to borderline, I then had a series of epileptic seizures after starting on mood stabilisers, now I'm on anticonvulsants (I'm about to run out and she refuses to buy more, although she has plenty of money to buy more). Now my new therapist (that SHE picked...) actually gave me a chance. And we both gathered she might be a narcissist. This put so much into perspective. I know I'm an angry person, I am a emotional person. I'm not borderline though. I'm not unstable. I'll be honest though nothing triggers my rage like her undeveloped empathy, telling me I'm wrong/broken/inappropriate because I express myself in a manner very different than hers, and she doesn't like it so I need to stop and do it her way. But at least I'm aware of that and am working to control it. I only get upset now when it's someone I trust and I'm already hurting about something else. I'm presently living with my mother and she hasn't changed since I was little, still negates my emotions and judges me harshly any chance she gets because she can't deal with emotional expression or any unpleasant energy in her environment (unless it's hers). And then she wants to talk about "where your [my] anger comes from, because you've had anger issues ever since you were little and I think it's because your father blah blah blah..." never once owning that she's curb-stomped my emotional expression since I was four. Took me until now to actually start to want learn emotional control because my mother taught four year old me that I was a broken, bad, and shameful person, resulting in alms it 15+ years of crippling insecurity, self-doubt, and massive rage issues. Worse part is that I love her more than anything and I so deeply hold onto the good she's done for me. I convince myself she did it for me. I think of all the times she's made me feel happy. Not loved. But just happy. Then I think of six year old me, painting a pig for her and finding it in the bin an hour later.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Then I think of six year old me, painting a pig for her and finding it in the bin an hour later. - An example perhaps of a parent failing to make the safe, appreciative and protective environment a child needs? Have you discussed this with your T?

[JaGo]

It seems you have a lot of reasons to be upset, but anything you have been diagnosed with does not define you. You are your own person now and whether or not you want to forgive your mother is up to you, but you can now express yourself however you like and she no longer can control how you feel or act.

It is easier said than done, but I've personally found that holding a grudge is only going to exacerbate your rage and insecurities.