The numbness of my life

I like to think that my life is more than it is. I like to think that I'm only in a dark spot and that things are going to one day get better. The problem is that I have problems thinking that way. I hear from my boyfriend that the problems that I have with people and my family are only temporary. I'm going to have a happy life away from the stresses of my current situation.

I knew from a very young age that my life wasn't going to be how I dreamed that it would be. My sister was born about a two and a half years after me. Even now I remember my mother holding her in her arms after she was born. I remember seeing the look of love in her eyes that she had always looked at me with. I saw the love fade from her eyes as time went on. She started having her own mental health issues which were not helped by the fact that she was taking care of my sister and me while my father was stationed in Cuba after 9/11.

I saw the love fade from her blue eyes each and every day. I never knew what I had done. Even now I wonder what I did to make her stop loving me. Did I make her miserable? Did I upset her too much? I don't know what I did. That was the start of my problems. I was questioning myself and my life from the age of 5.

I don't remember much of my life after that. The furthest back that I can remember of my recent life was back a couple of years when I got left at church camp with a boy that I had a huge crush on. I remember being embarrassed beyond words. All that I heard the whole trip back was about how hilarious that it was that I had been forgotten. That's when it hit me. I had been forgotten. That's finally what broke me. I had felt forgotten for years. Never once had I actually admitted that to myself until that very moment. I had been forgotten. I was the girl who was easily forgotten and not easily remembered.

It was in that moment that I decided that I was going to start hurting myself. I had already been bullied in school since I was in 5th grade because of the fact that my mother was a Christian and my father was not religious. I decided that I was going to get rid of my pain. I didn't care at the time that it wasn't a healthy way to get rid of my problems. I only cared about the pain that I was in. Once I got back to my house I went and did exactly what I had told myself that I was going to do.

Over the next couple of years my self-harm became worse. As did everything else. My parents began telling me how worthless that I am. They began mentally and emotionally abusing me. I was repeatedly locked in my closet and told that I couldn't eat. I was made fun of by my sister for my scars. The people at my school found out and started throwing empty razor heads at me and calling me awful names. On top of all of that I went and had to start counseling. I was diagnosed with depression.

My life went on as I was given pills to take. Nothing seemed like it was getting better. Then [I]he[I] came into my life. My ex-boyfriend. (Let's call him Fred.) After a couple days of getting to know Fred, I asked him to be my boyfriend. Our relationship seemed to by fine other than the two or three times that he cheated on me. My two friends repeatedly told me that I should leave him. They saw how much pain that I was in. Instead, I chose to ignore their words and I stayed with him.

January 31, 2015. I brought my friend (let's call him Joe) Joe to the skating rink with my and Fred. Little did I know that I was going to find out that Fred was cheating on me once again. I was devastated. It was with the help of Joe that I was okay. (Backstory: I had always had a crush on Joe since I first talked to him. The first night that we ever talked, I trusted him. We both opened up about our pasts and everything that has happened in our lives. There were two problems. He was in love with his girlfriend (let's call her Liz) Liz and I knew that he could never love me. I had spent countless nights trying to get myself to get over him. It never seemed to work. I had feelings for Joe while I was with Fred.)

Joe helped me through it all. Later that night we went to dinner at Steak n' Shake. I could honestly say that that night was the first time that I remember truly being happy in quite a long time. A couple nights later he asked me to be his girlfriend. I couldn't believe it. I said yes and we've been dating ever since.

Most recently I have been having a lot of family issues. I am currently not living with my parents. I was, for a while, refusing to take my medication for my newly diagnosed bipolar disorder. My parents, though I do not live with them, have told my grandparents that I am not allowed to see Joe because they do not like him and they feel like he brings out the worst in me. I have tried countless times to tell them that he isn't just some guy. I feel as though I rally do love him. He makes me happy in a way that no one else can. He has shown me that I can be happy with so many of the things in my life that I never knew that I could be happy for. But, of course, they feel as though I am too young to love. They feel as though I am too young to only be getting happiness from a boy. I try to explain that I'm not. It never works. Every words that I say goes in one ear and out the next.

I don't know what to do anymore. I have been struggling with my mental disorders on top of everything that is going on in my life. I miss the happiness that I used to be able to feel. Now, all I feel is numbness. I don't know how to handle my life anymore. I feel so alone....

Glad you are having a good relationship. Numbness can be caused by mental reasons but also by meds. Ask your psychiatrist or pharmacist if the meds are on could cause numbness.

Also search here for more info Psych Central - Trusted mental health, depression, bipolar, ADHD & psychology information. for more articles and comments by others.