[Luciernaga]

Hello all,

I need some guidance over a persona situation. I guess I am extra cautious after a long marriage where I was unhappy and experienced abuse, from which I was finally able to leave 2 years ago.

I met a man and I have to say we are very compatible. We enjoy the same things, we have similar values and understanding of life. He has been extra supportive of me and caring.... but as always, there are some things that make me doubt if he is being sincere or he is settling with me.

He is emotionally and in general, quite immature. In his immaturity he did not date much and I am officially his first "big" relationship as other were minor crushes and he was not with someone else "formally" before me. He had very high expectations on women, specifically on the woman of his life, basically in the sense of physical features and looks.

I consider myself pretty ( never had issues of not being liked by men, so this is my first time feeling "not enough" ) yet I am chubby ( after one pregnancy ) so I do not have the body features he preferred. He would really like brunettes, tall, very slim and in general very extroverted and free. I am shorter, blonde, chubby, shy and calm, and older than him. Yet when we met we had fantastic chats and conversations. We are really compatible in many things.

We met online then on skype and one day after the first months in touch, he told me he was struggling because he felt he did not like my physical features enough. I remember I sent him some pics of me and he never made any comments on them, he sort of avoided to talk about them. That night was the worse of my life, being told that my body type was not his preference and he was unsure of us. I stopped talking to him for a week and he came back to me and insisted to keep in touch, saying he wanted to deprogram from his former body ID choices and that he really liked me. He begged me to be in touch.

Months later, he decided to come visit me for a summer holiday and stay with me for some months to travel together and meet in person. I was under severe stress preparing for his visit, even considering surgery to fix my body from the imperfections of maternity, fortunately I did not do it, I did not had the money and decided not to take the risk of a surgery just for the looks. I made diets and was able to loose some pounds but my body will never be the same of a 20 year old, of course.

He came and we got along so well... but sexually. He seemed annoyed by my body type because he had all these grand ideas of flexible positions in love making, etc. Our love making during his visit was reduced to only 5-6 times in months so I knew that no matter what I would be wearing or doing ( I am not that forward anyways ) he seemed not pleased with me. That was killing me.

It was also horrible that when we traveled together, he would check out in my face other women. We had many fights over that. He also admitted masturbating when I was out of home, so that was painful as hell because he would prefer to watch a sexy video and do it rather than with me. He seemed embarassed to be with me, yet his soul clicks with me so much and we had beautiful times too, great chats, a lot of caring for each other.

When he left, I tried to leave him and told him that maybe this connection was not to be romantic or sexual. I said : find a woman you really like physically and younger... but he refused. He kept saying he was in love with me. That he wanted ME in his life. That there is no other woman he prefers and that he learnt body type has no importance at all because many hot ladies are shallow and he would not get along with them anyways.

I tried to leave him several times when I noticed him kind of flirting with other ladies in his FB, ladies who are exactly the type he likes. His remarks and attitudes while here in his trip made me feel extremely insecure. No man before him ever made me feel ugly. I was actually successful with guys, with all but him. None seemed turned off by me being more chubby and all praised my looks. I was much more self confident than now being with him.

He is back to his city and he has remained in touch every single day. He worries about my health, he gives me time and advice. Yet, it is very hard for me to feel confident of our relationship.

I was told by a friend that it was better to let go of him because after him saying he was not sure of me because of my looks, I will never know now if he really likes me or if he is settling with me. It is true that he does not seem the type of guy running after women, he seems a tad lazy to engage new ladies or date a lot. He is not like that, but I am not sure if this is because he does not wish for that, or just because he is lazy or fears rejection. I have to say he is nice and cute but not exceedingly handsome. He admitted he always had a thing to be turned off by even the slight overweight and he is very strict with his own diet and weight.

He would get mad at restaurants because if I ate a piece of bread, and there was another lady only having a salad, he said I should be the one with the salad. It is like he says he loves the "content" of me but would prefer another container for it. That is very hard for me and has kept me insecure since we started dating.

I have never been the type of woman to give too much credit to looks. The men I dated were average, but they had to be funny and smart. I never met someone who was so much into looks like this man is. And even if he seems to be trascending it, I still feel he crops our pics so I do not show my body, only my face and chest but not the lower parts. Like he is embarrassed or something. This also affected our lovemaking. I was spontaneous at first and ended up refusing to have sex with him and covering myself with sheets while we were naked. I lost my spontaneity.

To date, this issue persists. He asked me yesterday if there is anything that is altering or making me feel bad about our connection, and I told him again everything and how I am not able to forget what he said, what he did when he was here and now I feel he does not like me fully. And that I need and deserve that the man I have as partner is proud of me and feels passion for me, just as I am. He got very sad, and just said goodnight without any extra words.

I feel he is trying but I am not sure if he is hiding his true preferences and forcing himself to like me. I prefer to leave him than to live all my life with this feeling I am not enough and he does not like "my container". I never felt like this, I know it is him who had unrealistic standards since we had tons of pictures of perfect women in his computer.

I really need an advice. Does this relationship holds any future ??

Thanks

[CANDC]

H Luciernaga. Welcome to Psych Central (PC). I am sorry you have suffer from challenges plus feel grief about a broken up relationship. It is possible to connect with people who have experienced similar things here or who can have compassion for what you are going through.

To be honest, I think the bf is verbally hurtful or abusive and unappreciative of you as a person plus he is not stable and may just keep looking to find his ideal woman. He is focused entirely on physical beauty. That is not what I have found is a lasting basis for a relationship.

Glad you have joined our community. It has been a slow process over the last year, but I have become more active in the community and it has helped balanced out my isolation on the outside. I have also found it has helped me build self esteem. This article explains that in more detail. Building Self-Esteem | Psych Central

Many people here at PC find they can share these feelings and what they are going through with the confidence that people go through similar things and can empathize. So many forums are offered as well as Chatrooms (after you have 5 posts or comments on others posts). Depression chat meets on Thursday night at 9pm EST and Anxiety Wednesday at 8PM.

You can also be an active member in other ways like supporting others in their questions, reading articles and posts http://forums.psychcentral.com that are applicable to your area of concern.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[I'm Worth It]

Originally Posted by Luciernaga

Hello all,

I need some guidance over a persona situation. I guess I am extra cautious after a long marriage where I was unhappy and experienced abuse, from which I was finally able to leave 2 years ago.

I met a man and I have to say we are very compatible. We enjoy the same things, we have similar values and understanding of life. He has been extra supportive of me and caring.... but as always, there are some things that make me doubt if he is being sincere or he is settling with me.

He is emotionally and in general, quite immature. In his immaturity he did not date much and I am officially his first "big" relationship as other were minor crushes and he was not with someone else "formally" before me. He had very high expectations on women, specifically on the woman of his life, basically in the sense of physical features and looks.

I consider myself pretty ( never had issues of not being liked by men, so this is my first time feeling "not enough" ) yet I am chubby ( after one pregnancy ) so I do not have the body features he preferred. He would really like brunettes, tall, very slim and in general very extroverted and free. I am shorter, blonde, chubby, shy and calm, and older than him. Yet when we met we had fantastic chats and conversations. We are really compatible in many things.

We met online then on skype and one day after the first months in touch, he told me he was struggling because he felt he did not like my physical features enough. I remember I sent him some pics of me and he never made any comments on them, he sort of avoided to talk about them. That night was the worse of my life, being told that my body type was not his preference and he was unsure of us. I stopped talking to him for a week and he came back to me and insisted to keep in touch, saying he wanted to deprogram from his former body ID choices and that he really liked me. He begged me to be in touch.

Months later, he decided to come visit me for a summer holiday and stay with me for some months to travel together and meet in person. I was under severe stress preparing for his visit, even considering surgery to fix my body from the imperfections of maternity, fortunately I did not do it, I did not had the money and decided not to take the risk of a surgery just for the looks. I made diets and was able to loose some pounds but my body will never be the same of a 20 year old, of course.

He came and we got along so well... but sexually. He seemed annoyed by my body type because he had all these grand ideas of flexible positions in love making, etc. Our love making during his visit was reduced to only 5-6 times in months so I knew that no matter what I would be wearing or doing ( I am not that forward anyways ) he seemed not pleased with me. That was killing me.

It was also horrible that when we traveled together, he would check out in my face other women. We had many fights over that. He also admitted masturbating when I was out of home, so that was painful as hell because he would prefer to watch a sexy video and do it rather than with me. He seemed embarassed to be with me, yet his soul clicks with me so much and we had beautiful times too, great chats, a lot of caring for each other.

When he left, I tried to leave him and told him that maybe this connection was not to be romantic or sexual. I said : find a woman you really like physically and younger... but he refused. He kept saying he was in love with me. That he wanted ME in his life. That there is no other woman he prefers and that he learnt body type has no importance at all because many hot ladies are shallow and he would not get along with them anyways.

I tried to leave him several times when I noticed him kind of flirting with other ladies in his FB, ladies who are exactly the type he likes. His remarks and attitudes while here in his trip made me feel extremely insecure. No man before him ever made me feel ugly. I was actually successful with guys, with all but him. None seemed turned off by me being more chubby and all praised my looks. I was much more self confident than now being with him.

He is back to his city and he has remained in touch every single day. He worries about my health, he gives me time and advice. Yet, it is very hard for me to feel confident of our relationship.

I was told by a friend that it was better to let go of him because after him saying he was not sure of me because of my looks, I will never know now if he really likes me or if he is settling with me. It is true that he does not seem the type of guy running after women, he seems a tad lazy to engage new ladies or date a lot. He is not like that, but I am not sure if this is because he does not wish for that, or just because he is lazy or fears rejection. I have to say he is nice and cute but not exceedingly handsome. He admitted he always had a thing to be turned off by even the slight overweight and he is very strict with his own diet and weight.

He would get mad at restaurants because if I ate a piece of bread, and there was another lady only having a salad, he said I should be the one with the salad. It is like he says he loves the "content" of me but would prefer another container for it. That is very hard for me and has kept me insecure since we started dating.

I have never been the type of woman to give too much credit to looks. The men I dated were average, but they had to be funny and smart. I never met someone who was so much into looks like this man is. And even if he seems to be trascending it, I still feel he crops our pics so I do not show my body, only my face and chest but not the lower parts. Like he is embarrassed or something. This also affected our lovemaking. I was spontaneous at first and ended up refusing to have sex with him and covering myself with sheets while we were naked. I lost my spontaneity.

To date, this issue persists. He asked me yesterday if there is anything that is altering or making me feel bad about our connection, and I told him again everything and how I am not able to forget what he said, what he did when he was here and now I feel he does not like me fully. And that I need and deserve that the man I have as partner is proud of me and feels passion for me, just as I am. He got very sad, and just said goodnight without any extra words.

I feel he is trying but I am not sure if he is hiding his true preferences and forcing himself to like me. I prefer to leave him than to live all my life with this feeling I am not enough and he does not like "my container". I never felt like this, I know it is him who had unrealistic standards since we had tons of pictures of perfect women in his computer.

I really need an advice. Does this relationship holds any future ??

Thanks

I'll need more information -- My first blush response is to tell you to move on from him and you should. Give me a little more information about him though. I'd like to try to highlight what "issue(s)" he is likely dealing with that will show you that there are bigger reasons for moving on from him than just looks preferences.

Sure the relationship might have a future, but it will be an unfulfilling and self-esteem damaging relationship for YOU.

One thing stands out already that gives a clue -- just because he is lazy or fears rejection -- This is likely. Men with a fear of intimacy do basically become lazy in terms of pursuing women. How did he date you in the beginning -- very slowly, maybe only calling once a week but only seeing you every couple of weeks or good stretches of time between dates? Men who are too slow in pursuit are usually managing expectations and trying to minimize opportunity for a new dating partner to bond much with him.

I know it is him who had unrealistic standards since we had tons of pictures of perfect women in his computer. -- Men with a fear of intimacy sometimes will have an idealized vision of his perfect mate. Subconsciously, he knows there no such thing as perfect and so he doesn't have to worry about finding that. Therefore -- no intimate connection to worry about.

The other thing that comes into play for them sometimes, is that they feel they are undeserving of good things so they will "settle" for less just to have primal needs met. They usually have very low self-esteem. They will stick with women who also have low self-esteem -- thus comes a co-dependent relationship.

I never met someone who was so much into looks like this man is. -- Narcissists often are fixated on the looks of a partner in one of two ways:

1) They are entitled to be with beautiful women
2) If the woman is not as attractive as he'd like, he will date her anyway
because HE looks better when he's with her. In other words, his
handsomeness is highlighted. They will not, however, allow her to
get TOO unattractive in his view.

He got very sad, and just said goodnight without any extra words. -- He is human so if he feels you want to move on, it will hurt a little. On top of that, you are wiggling out of his control -- it's a failure.

These are just "theories" based on what you've written. How old are each of you? How long in total have you known each other?
What is his past history of relationships and how long did they last and how did they end? Does he have a good relationship with his family?

[I'm Worth It]

I should also add, that a man with a fear of intimacy is filled with anxiety usually. That is the prevailing emotion and it clouds the ability to feel and identify other emotions. Sometimes, they do actually love a woman but they are so out of touch with that emotion, that they can't display or even put it into words and that emotion if it's there is so overwhelming that he can't stand it and pushes it away subsconsciously. If there is fear of intimacy, they pull back from a partner often. Leaving her confused, angry and frustrated.

The woman is confused about whether the man loves her because of his mixed up emotions. He's confused and unsure also. She's confused, because he is.

[divine1966]

He is rude. People have rights not to date the ones they aren't attracted to but why be rude? If he doesn't like your appearance to the point of bothering him then would be within his rights not to date you.

But continue dating you yet making nasty comments is uncalled for.

What a jerk. Kick him to the curb.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[SB1970]

Thank you for sharing this with us and I'm sorry you are going thru this. However, you put the nail on the head when you said that he was relationship immature. Part of me also feels this is a bit abusive, kind of reminds me of the narcissist ex boyfriend that I had. It was an emotional roller coaster, much of what sounds like you may be going through. Nice and charming one moment, and mix in some mind games, back to nice, then ripping you apart......throw in lots of emotions and ups and downs.

I think you may be better off leaving this guy to be honest. If he can't really accept you now..........how much worse are the mind games going to get as you get older? Let him find his dream date and grow up a bit. I think your gut is telling you not to second guess yourself and as your friend already told you........to move on. Best of luck to you.

[Rose76]

Turn this guy loose and let him go finish growing up. He needs to go through a few girlfriends yet, as he is still at the teenager phase. You are not. You are way beyond that, with a child even. Find a man at your own kevel of maturity. If you hang on to this kid, you'll end up being a mama figure to him.

turn him loose

[kaliope]

hi luciernaga
it sounds like there are so many things negative about this relationship that cause you distress i question why you are asking if there is hope. try putting togeter a pro/con list of the benefits and drawbacks being very honest so you can really see what you are gaining versus how much you are being hurt and then make a decision. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome