My ex is on a dating site using a picture of himself from 20+ years ago, looking for sex and lying about his age (he's subtracted a some years).

I feel bad for him because although he was no angel I said things in anger while we were together that may have made him think he was undesirable as is. We haven't talked in months, I didn't return his call a month ago and though I played with the idea of contacting him, I didn't until two days ago when I came across his sex profile.

I sent him a message saying that I wished I'd reassured him of his worth more when we were together. I went on to say that while the younger him is nice looking,the older him is perfect.

I'm not sure what's leading me to feel bad for him when he's seeking sex on a site and lying. I'm normally no nonsense but I feel for him because it's desperate and he's better than that. I guess maybe I see he's hurting when my hurt didn't allow me to humanize him at all towards the end of our relationship.

Is this some breakup stage I'm unaware of? I was never this sympathetic to him when we were together and I don't know why I feel compelled to build him up,for another woman even - just not for potentially diseased strangers on a sex site.

[divine1966]

I am very sympathetic to my ex. We've been together almost 9 years and I left last year. He is an alcoholic and kept relapsing. He now drinks much more and looks awful. It breaks my heart. There is nothing I can do but it saddens me greatly. He has kids and grandkids. It's sad.

My t says it is normal to feel this way

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Thank you for your response, Divine. I'm trying to keep a safe distance but am alarmed by his behavior.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by rouge198

Thank you for your response, Divine. I'm trying to keep a safe distance but am alarmed by his behavior.

Since he is your ex there is nothing you can do. You can feel empathy but get busy with your own life.

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[crosstobear]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Since he is your ex there is nothing you can do. You can feel empathy but get busy with your own life.

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Good advice. A message like that which you sent him can blur things up quite a big and cause unintended consequences. He may think you're trying to rekindle things.

Originally Posted by crosstobear

Good advice. A message like that which you sent him can blur things up quite a big and cause unintended consequences. He may think you're trying to rekindle things.

I sent him three emails telling him that he should be careful meeting strangers online because he has a child to live for. I mean, he's behaving quite desperately and our whole relationship he denied that he was the type of person to do this sort of thing.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by rouge198

I sent him three emails telling him that he should be careful meeting strangers online because he has a child to live for. I mean, he's behaving quite desperately and our whole relationship he denied that he was the type of person to do this sort of thing.

Well he is not the one acting desperate here. You are the one who come across desperate and he is definitely thinking you are either jealous or are trying to get him back.

Three emails? Telling grown man to be careful? "That sort of thing"? And how do you even know what he does online? I don't know who is looking for sex online. How do you know? Are you on the same dating sites as him? Then why is it ok for you? Or are you cyber stalking your ex? What's going on?

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Originally Posted by divine1966

Well he is not the one acting desperate here. You are the one who come across desperate and he is definitely thinking you are either jealous or are trying to get him back.

Three emails? Telling grown man to be careful? "That sort of thing"? And how do you even know what he does online? I don't know who is looking for sex online. How do you know? Are you on the same dating sites as him? Then why is it ok for you? Or are you cyber stalking your ex? What's going on?

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He called me a while back and I was considering calling him back but I wanted evidence that he was growing or at least doing well since the breakup, sort of to guarantee that we wouldn't be arguing. I was hoping to find evidence that he was in relationship with a good person so I Googled his screen name. That's when the profile popped up wherein he says he's looking for a sex partner.

I do think he ought to be careful because disease is real and that he's using a 20+ year old photo of himself and lying about his age says he's regressed, since he did that years ago when he met me online. He denied being the type of man who'd do this sort of thing for years and now he is.

I don't have desire for him that way anymore but I do think its dangerous. I don't plan to send any other messages. I see that he's not someone I'd want to even be friends with. I did 2 months no contact before, permanent is the way to go now. I don't cyber stalk, fortunately I'm not into that sort of thing but I did Google him, I don't regret it.

[crosstobear]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Well he is not the one acting desperate here. You are the one who come across desperate and he is definitely thinking you are either jealous or are trying to get him back.

Three emails? Telling grown man to be careful?

I think you're hitting the nail on the head with this one. OP, be honest and try to see past your temporary rationalization. Do you have lingering feelings?

Originally Posted by crosstobear

I think you're hitting the nail on the head with this one. OP, be honest and try to see past your temporary rationalization. Do you have lingering feelings?

I do. He was not just someone I loved but because he is significantly older than me,he was a mentor and coach to me. To see him doing risky stuff isn't alarming for me due to romantic reasons but because its not him. I absolutely still care about him, how can I not after almost a decade together?

[kingoni]

It is touching and endearing you have good intentions and wish to watch out for him. This is admirable.

But ultimately, he is a grown man who is capable of rational thought and so whilst you have raised concerns as to his conduct, ultimately, the final decision must lie with him. Only he can choose how to live his life, and how best to proceed with it. You cannot rescue or redeem him. Take some time away from him, focus on yourself, your life and the things that give you joy and happiness.

With such an obviously compassionate, caring personality and blessed with the gift of empathy I have every confidence in the world you WILL find someone who can truly meet your expectations and needs.

Originally Posted by kingoni

It is touching and endearing you have good intentions and wish to watch out for him. This is admirable.

But ultimately, he is a grown man who is capable of rational thought and so whilst you have raised concerns as to his conduct, ultimately, the final decision must lie with him. Only he can choose how to live his life, and how best to proceed with it. You cannot rescue or redeem him. Take some time away from him, focus on yourself, your life and the things that give you joy and happiness.

With such an obviously compassionate, caring personality and blessed with the gift of empathy I have every confidence in the world you WILL find someone who can truly meet your expectations and needs.

Thank you so much for your reply. I spoke with him and it turns out that the profile is over 10 years old. We had a very productive conversation about how our relationship ended and then hung up. He called me back a few hours later and said I was the love of his life also. I just want him to be happy.

Your comment resonated with me because there was a time when I truly hated him but after our breakup I spent time on myself and I forgave him, for me. Now I feel empathy. Its an accomplishment but as you said, I'll need to [continue] spending time on myself. That way stuff like this won't bother me. I'm glad he's ok and happy we had our call.

[kingoni]

Originally Posted by rouge198

Thank you so much for your reply. I spoke with him and it turns out that the profile is over 10 years old. We had a very productive conversation about how our relationship ended and then hung up. He called me back a few hours later and said I was the love of his life also. I just want him to be happy.

Your comment resonated with me because there was a time when I truly hated him but after our breakup I spent time on myself and I forgave him, for me. Now I feel empathy. Its an accomplishment but as you said, I'll need to [continue] spending time on myself. That way stuff like this won't bother me. I'm glad he's ok and happy we had our call.

And I'm glad you have (some) closure.