[Kehv]

My story will be a long one but I hope I can get some honest answers about what to do.

So, my ex-girlfriend left 2+ months ago after a 6 year relationship. I am 30 years old and she's 23.

Before the breakup everything seemed to be fine. Ofcourse we had a few fights every now and then but nothing major. She was with me every day of the week (we did not live together yet because of cultural differences), we still had sex, still did all the things couples should do together. Obviously, after 6 years things are getting a bit stale but I never expected her to just leave me.

We often talked about living together/marriage/kids, even one week before the breakup.

One evening she decided she wanted to go out with friends, which was fine by me. That night I knew something was wrong but I could not put my finger on it. The days afterwards she became distant to me and I simply hoped she was just having some stress.

3 days after the night she went out she broke up with me. I was in complete shock and cried and begged. She told me to forget about her and move on, maybe in the future we could get together. My ex was also very emotional for breaking up with me. 3 days after the breakup she came to my house to get all her stuff and we talked. I almost convinced her to stay but she sticked to her decision. That night I just had to know what was going on and I logged into her facebook account and found out she went on a 'date' with a colleague that night instead of friends. Obviously this hurt me like I've never been hurt before ... I felt betrayed, sad, angry, humiliated...

When I confronted her she did not want to tell me but eventually had to admit it.
Ofcourse I would not give up that easily and tried numerous times to get her to change her mind, which obviously did not work. Eventually two weeks after the breakup she told me she was in a relationship with the colleague and had sex with him. Because we both had sex with each other for the first time this was a huge blow for me but now I knew I wasn't able to stop it anymore.

My ex told me she was not even sure about the new guy. She wasn't totally in love with this new person and she told me she didn't even knew him that well... I also noticed she was on various dating sites and tinder.

the weeks after that my ex wanted to hang out with me quite a lot. Because I was still madly in love with her I gave in. The conversations were pretty odd to say the least. My ex wanted to set me up with other girls and she even told me the new guy wasn't good in bed. She even told me we could have sex every now and then.....
Because she told me I was way better in bed I gave in and had sex with her one last time.

The weeks afterwards we hung out from time to time. My ex told me she was happy now and wanted to know everything about the girls I was dating. What they looked like, what their names were.... My ex even checked my home If I was with someone and see checks my facebook (i blocked her) through a friend. All this gave me hope again she still loves me but she also told me things like she was going on a holiday with this new guy already (not even 2 months after the breakup). The last time she was with me she needed an item that was still in my house. I told her I would bring it to her but she still went to my house and admitted it was an excuse to see me (gave me hope again).

At one point I just had to cross the line somewhere. My ex started to see me as a good friend, which I did not want to be. She wanted to hang out with me again and I've told her I simply could not be friends with her because I love her romantically. At this point my ex became angry because I was rejecting her friendship. My ex started messaging me, calling me and even went to my house (I wasn't home) because she desperately wanted to stay friends with me. Because I ignored all of it, I received an e-mail at 1:30 AM (my ex never sleeps that late, I guess she couldn't sleep). In the e-mail she blamed me of all the things that went wrong in our relationship and she ended with 'I want you to be happy with someone else, I hope you can be happy for me aswell'.

Because I did not respond to the E-mail, my ex called me again the day after. She was emotional and wanted a shoulder to cry on. She could not tell me why she was emotional. I rejected her again and told her she had someone else for that now. She then became furious again and hung up the phone. Afterwards she started messaging me again and eventually her last sentences were "we will never be friends in the future" "I will not be available the next time you need me".

I did not respond to those messages because I knew she would go on that holiday a few days afterwards.

I've got many questions and I'm sure I will not get all answers but if you could help me with some I would greatly appreciate it.

Why did my ex still desperately want me in her life (as a friend)?
-Guilt?
-Emotional Crutch? (she admitted that one time but she was not emotional everytime)
-Backup?
-She still cares about me?
-Boredom?
-Ego-Boost?

Could my ex really have the 'Grass Is Greener Syndrome'? I know she was very young when she started a relationship with me. She never went out partying alone.
To be honest, from what I know the colleague is pretty much like me but I must admit he has a better job than I do. But could that really replace a 6 year old relationship?

Is this guy a 'rebound'?

I know you can't tell me if she will miss me in time but I do wonder what would be the best approach if I ever want her back. I haven't spoken her in 13 days now, should I keep this up (no-contact) and talk to her again when I'm ready? Will she miss me if i go NC? Or should I stay in her life so I can show her I'm the better guy (I'm starting to work on myself physically, mentally etc.)?

To be clear: I Obviously am still madly in love with this girl, even after all she had done to me. I've read quite a lot about the 'Grass Is Greener Syndrome', which I expect she has. It also made me realise the reasons why she did it and it's the reason why I might give her a second chance in the future.

Hopefully you can help me

If Iv'e done the math right, when you got together she was just 17 and you 24. Aside from my feelings about that I want to point out that this very well might be the crux of the problem. Making an assumption about her age at that time I am thinking she's never had another relationship. She grew up during your relationship - without the life experience of previous relationships that would have shaped her wants, her needs, expectations, and her definition of what a relationship to her would look like. It is only natural then that she become curious about what those experiences would look like. That this is wrong is not in question, I am just trying to point out what is possibly the problem.

[Kehv]

Originally Posted by rcat

If Iv'e done the math right, when you got together she was just 17 and you 24. Aside from my feelings about that I want to point out that this very well might be the crux of the problem. Making an assumption about her age at that time I am thinking she's never had another relationship. She grew up during your relationship - without the life experience of previous relationships that would have shaped her wants, her needs, expectations, and her definition of what a relationship to her would look like. It is only natural then that she become curious about what those experiences would look like. That this is wrong is not in question, I am just trying to point out what is possibly the problem.

Yes you are right. She never was in a relationship before me and never really experienced the dating life really. I always thought she could leave me for that reason but as the years went by I did not expect her to actually do it.

She did mention that she does not want to be 'attached' to someone even though she is in a new relationship... She also told me she did not want to marry for a while, even though we often talked about that.

[healingme4me]

Not certain it's an experience that if to get back together that's recoverable. This isn't some heated argument.
Sounds like she's certainly going through something, what that could be is affecting her sense of identity.
Can only know and understand yourself and your feelings. As shocking as the experience has been, it's a matter of grieving and moving forward.

Sorry to read that you're going through this.

The human brain doesn't fully develop until one is about 23 or 24 years old. With that being said, you started dating her when she was 17 so she was practically a kid still. She likely grew out of your relationship and developed an attraction towards different types of men and she, therefore, wanted to explore said attraction.

She might have kept you in your life because she still wanted to be there for you. There is also the possibility that she is going through something that is causing her to want to use you as an emotional crutch.

The best thing would be to forget her and move on and also to refrain from dating girls under 23 in the future.

[C2015]

I personally think you are better off without her. It is proven she is a liar and cheater. You deserve better than that. So far I have never been cheated on. But that is a boundary for me. If a guy ever cheats on me I am instantly dumping him. That is one thing I won't tolerate is cheating.

Keep up with the no contact. Keep her blocked on facebook. You should also block her from your phone & email. Don't check up on her with facebook. Checking up on her is breaking no contact.

My ex last year dumped me for his best friend. His best friend is a guy. That really hurt it still does. I refuse to look him up on facebook. I know he is still single since he is on the same dating site I am on. From time to time he shows up on the local mobile users of the site. It hurts every time they show his profile picture.