[jasmine30]

Hello, I'm sorry this a longgg post. Warning: LONGGG post ahead..
I know everyone time is precious, so please skip it if you don't have the time to spare. Thank you very much and I really appreciated for your help give me advice. Please tell me if my husband is controlling or not? What would you do if you in my situation. Maybe I'm being over-analytical?

A bit of my background, I feel that this might be the roots of my problem.
I didn't have a good childhood. I grow up hearing my mother belittle me, verbally/emotionally abusive to me, and taking out her anger on me. It is the daily verbally abuse and belittle that strip down all my self-worth. To her, I worth less than a dog on the street.
I left my mother house more than a decade ago, and started my life over from scratch. It was really hard being a girl and alone out there in life, but it was all worth it because of freedom. I'm not a fish in a bowl, I'm not a bird in a cage, I'm not a remote control for my mother to control.

All my life, I work at miminum wage jobs. It not alot of money, but I was able to survived on my own without anyone help. I don't need my controlling mother at all.
To me the minimum wage jobs help give me self-worth. It help me know that I at least worth something, that I'm not worth less than a dog on the street like how my mother belittle me.

I was able to make my own choice for my own life, this was what I always goes after. Freedom and independence is the most important thing to me, to me it is like breathing.

Fortunately, I'm married to a very patience and understanding guy. My husband know all about my emotional childhood baggage and he accept it all. He accept me for who I am.
I make it very clear that after marriage and when we have kids. I will always continue to work minimum wage job. And he okay with it, because he knows how much this minimum wage job help give me with my self-worth.
NEVER once he went back on his words on me.. But now seem like he change his mind, regarding let me work when pregnant and after have kids.

Right now I work in Retail (Shoe department), pay hourly and commission. In Retail you have to be on your feet, running back and forth cashier register, get shoe for customers to try on, etc...
It not always busy. Tere times when it slow, but it will definately get busy when the Thanksgiving/Christmas holiday season come.

My husband have baby fever. And I promise him that we TTC in 2016, and it approaching up.
He is the type guy that always let me have things my way so I can be happy. He doesn't argue with me, he doesn't disagree with me. So far there no fighting or arguemnts in our marriage. It been a smooth and peaceful marriage. So peaceful that ugh.. sometimes I ask myself, if me and him are normal or not.

Well, now he no longer always let me have things my way. He now voice his opinion and said his needs. He said that I should quit my Shoe Retail job, and get an office job instead.
An Office job like receptionist, any office/desk type of job. As long as I be sitting instead of running around on my feet. And his reasons are below:

------An Office job will be better for me during pregnancy and post-pregnancy. Since we will TTC in 2016, he said I should start looking for an Office job now.
He doesn't want me to carried my pregnant stomach be on my feet getting shoe for people to try on, like how my Retail job is.. He make it very clear that he doesn't want me to be pregnant, and work in Retail, at all.

---He said because I know how to use well Microsoft Office: Microsoft Excel, Powerpoint and Word.
And I type over 120 word per minute. And I speak fluently 3 languages. He thinsk I should use these skills to get an office job.
I did work at an office job once, but it was a long time ago in the past. But that do count as I have some experience.
He thinks I should use my skills and previous experience to go find an office job now.
He said any office job I want, Chinese Dentist office, Chinese Doctor office, business office, anything I want. As long as it an office job.

---My husband does work alot. He work 1 full time job M-F weekdays. And 1 part time job Sat-Sun weekend.. So he wants us to spend time together as much as we can. We always eat late dinner together.
But when Retail job get very busy during Thanksgiving Black Friday/Christmas time, I will have to work late and miss out dinner with him.
He doesn't want me to work late during holiday time in Retail. He wants me to be at home and spend holiday family time with him.

---He said he make enough for me to stay home. So if I want to work, it MUST be an Office job. Or else stay home, TTC and give birth to a healthy baby.
He far far from rich. But he does make almost 4 times more than me, and he also get yearly raise. Financially it not a problem.
We have decent amount of saving. We both are Debt-free, and we both are not big spender.

But I feel that he not getting it, it NOT about the money. It about my childhood experience, and my need of freedom and independence.
Arg! But he make it very clear that If it not an Office job. Then he wants me to stay home give birth, and stay home take care of the baby.

---He knows I married him resulted in my family disown me. My mother didn't approved him, she thinks I bring shame to the family. And make her 'Lose face" to the close-knit Chinese community where she live.
I have alot of pressure from my family and the Chinese community where my mom live. I feel "isolated" because I have zero family support, zero family to turn to.
He knows all about this, and he knows how "isolated" I feel. So get an Office job at Chinese Dentist/Doctor office. Perhaps it can let me be closer to the Chinese environment and closer to my roots.

In defense of my husband, it NOT his fault that my abusive mother disapproved him. My mom disapproved him solely because she didn't like his ethnicity.

Anyways, about this Office job situation. I know my husband probably just want the best for me.. But what bothering me is that he knows all about my childhood struggling. He knows how important independence is to me. He knows how much I hate when someone trying to make choices for my life.
I struggle alot internally inside, I fight so hard to break free from my mother controlling. I fight hard to have the freedom that I have right now, the freedom to make my own choice.

But now my husband is making the choice for me. He pick a job for me to work, the job that he wants aka Office job. He make it loud and clear that it must be an Office job, or stay home and let him support me.

I don't love Retail. Retail is not my passion. I don't love running around getting shoe for customers to try on. But Retail was my choice, the choice I make. Just like the choice I make when I chose him over my family. But I have no regrets, because it my choice, the choice I that make myself.
Now I feel that he trying to take my freedom to make a choice.. If now I listen him and get the office job just because he told me so. That means I lose this battle, the battle I fight so long to get my freedom and independence.

Is what my husband doing is controlling? Or he over-protective? Or maybe I'm being over-analytical.
Just to be fair to him, he does have the tendency to be over-protective. Like he doesn't let me to climb on a chair to change the dead lightbulb on top of the ceiling. He worried I will fall off the chair.. He doesn't let me carried supermarket bags, he doesn't let carried laundry. He prefer to carried it all for me.
He doesn't let me do anything heavy around the house at all. All the maintenance and heavy things around the house he volunteer do it. All I have to do is cook and wash dishes.

He keeps pressing me to start looking for an Office job now. Frankly, I don't have have listen to him and keep work in Retail. But then I feel that there will be an Argument going on, because he make it very clear that he wants me to work in an Office job environment.

I'm not sure what I should do. Half of me say that he right, because office job is better for me during pregnancy and post pregnancy. But then half of me is fighting inside; because of my childhood, I hate hate it when someone make a choice for me and for my life.

If you in similar marriage situation as me, what would you do? Regarding my husband and his keep pressing for me to get an Office job.
I'm sorry for the long post and vent. It just so much struggling I have inside, all these internal conflicst inside I keep having. I need clarity. Arg!

This year I'm 30, he's 29 (he turn 30 next month in September)
I don't know if the baby can wait, but I promise him we TTC in 2016 next year. And he remind me to to remember what I promise him.

He is a planner. He works hard to secure everything for us, financially and emotionally. He always save money for our future baby, save money for rainy days and save for our future.. He try his best to secure everything for me.
So far he have been an awesome husband. He always protective of me. He affectionated, he caring, he secure everything from financial to emotional. I thought we have an peaceful marriage, until now.. He pressing it to be 'his' ways now when it come to the baby.

He said I can work if I want, just get an Office job. If not an office job, then stay home TTC, give birth to baby and care for the baby.
I did talk to him, and we always up back in square one. Get the job that he wants aka Office job. You know what I mean?
So pretty much I have no choice? But to get the Office job like he wants? Or else likely we will begin to have arguments and fighting in our marriage?

[divine1966]

Well he can't tell you what job to get. He can brainstorm but not tell you where to work

But maybe he is just concerned you work dead end jobs. It's tiring plus low pay and you don't even like it!

But you might have better chance of getting ahead working elsewhere unless you want to become a manager in retail? I am surprised that after 10 years in minimum wage jobs you are still getting paid minimum wages?

Would he be in support of you perhaps going to a trade school and learning some trades? It might not take that long. Like a medical assistant maybe? It would be probably a bit better paid than retail

You two need to discuss all pro and cons of every situation

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[jasmine30]

No where in my post I said I work in Retail for 10 years. I said I left my mother house 10 years ago.
I work different miminum wage jobs (as in more than one, not just only in Retail) for the 10 years since I left my mother house.

Righ tnow I work in Retail (Shoe department), this was not my job before.
I do not have a College degree. I only have a High school diploma. So yes, my jobs are minimum wage.

My job minimum wage is not the main problem of my topic. I just want to know if what my husband doing is consider controlling. Or maybe he just being over-protective. Or maybe I'm just over-analytical like I always I'm.
Perhaps what I need right now is to work on my emotional childhood baggage.

The Office job have been on his mind for a while. He said because I know how to use well Microsoft Office: Microsoft Excel, Powerpoint and Word. And I type over 120 word per minute. And I speak fluently 3 languages.
And I did at an office job once, eventhough it was a long time ago in the past. But that do count as I have some experience.
He thinks I should use my skills and previous experience to go find an office job now.

He said let him take care of me. He said long gone are the days when I have to work in Chinese noodles restaurant wash dishes and do waitress.
Long gone are the days I had eat rice with soy sauce just to save money. Long gone are the days when I have to live in Homeless shelter I first left my mother house, I didn't have a place to stay right away so I have to sleep in Women shelter. But that was a decade ago.
My life is fine now, marriage been so peaceful and smooth.

He said put all those hard days behind me. And let him take care of me. I understand his good intentions. But I always have my guard up, I build up walls inside myself to protect my emotions.

I know he work hard for our future. And I appreciate him for that. It just I struggle alot inside due to my childhood. Perhaps he rights that my skills is wasted if I don't work in office job.
I don't love Retail. Who would want to run around get shoe for customers? But I'm fighting it because of my childhood. Maybe I'm stubborn myself. My normal meter must be somewhat broken due to my childhood. Perhaps I interpret his good intentions into him being controlling.

We both are Not big spender, and we both are Debt-free. He alone make $70,000 a year, sometimes a bit more. He also have yearly raise. I know he doing fine by himself alone with his income.
I work in my minimum wage job is just extra, something I want to do for myself. Due to my childhood, I need a job so I can feel that I have self-worth in myself, as I explained it in my orginal post above.

Anyways, Happy Sunday to all. Thank you for the advice.

[divine1966]

I never said you work in retail for 10 years just that you work for minimum wages for 10 years, it seemed to me it should go up a bit. You said "all my life I work minimum wages". So maybe it's not ten but it has to be long time

I don't really understand statement that you must work minimum wage jobs to feel self worth. Wouldn't you feel a bit better if you pick something that is above minimum wages?

I don't think your husband is controlling. He can't tell you where to work but he might have legitimate concerns. You might be better suited working in the office. It might be better pay not on your feet and you can use your skills better. Plus you might actually like it. No you don't need to go to college. You might do trade school or try applying to places based on your experience

Why do you say who likes working in retail? Many people do. I work in the summer and on the weekend to supplement my income. I like it! And many of my full time retail co workers like it! It is fast pace and interaction with people etc

I personally wouldn't work a job I don't like. Life is too short.

Would you consider looking into different careers/jobs if this one is not the best choice?

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From what you posted, it sounds more as if he's concerned for your health and the health of the unborn baby. However, I can see how, to you, that feels like he's trying to control you.

Have you and your husband discussed with your doctor whether or not it is safe for you to continue working the job you are doing while pregnant? Maybe it will be okay early on, but towards the last few weeks or months of the pregnancy you may need to take some time off. Then after the baby's born and you've gone through your maternity leave, you can return to the job if you want to.

[ElCambio]

Why don't you pick a job that is not as active but is something that you chose to do? He is just looking out for your best interest, but I understand your concern.

[Perna]

Your husband having an opinion and wanting the best for you and your baby is not controlling. Your not wanting to consider the situation here and now instead of in light of the past, which is gone, is controlling. You cannot be the only one in charge when you are married, married is a joint, shared commitment and not just about you and what you want. Think too of any child; if you want children you have to take care of them well and not just think of yourself and what you want. Your health and ability to care for the child is important and being on your feet and stressed with your current type of job is not good for your health long-term.

[coffeebuzzbuzz]

My ex was controlling and emotionally abusive. He didn't want me to have friends, go out, have nice things, etc. He didn't kindly suggest I go to college or get a job, he belittled me for being a sahm. He said I was lazy and always pointed out how it was "his money" and he got the final say.

Your husband sounds like he is just genuinely concerned about your health and the baby's. I was pregnant 3 times and did not work outside of the home either time. I could barely get housework done towards the end of each pregnancy. The swelling and back pain was horrendous for me. Some women can be on their feet part of the day and be fine. No pregnant woman should be on her feet to the point of exhaustion though. Since you don't know how your pregnancy will be, keep an open mind. If you stay at your current job, just keep in mind you might have to work shorter shifts. A lot of places will have a pregnant woman do paperwork or cashiering while on a stool at least part of the day. See what your employer would do and tell hubby to ease his mind. He just sounds like he really wants a family, and this is his way of getting ready. Just take it with a grain of salt.

[Trippin2.0]

Staying in retail just because its the opposite of what your hubby is suggesting would be incredibly immature and ignorant.


It's cutting off your nose to spite your face.


He's not trying to control you, he's providing constructive input AND motivating you to want to aim higher.


I think it is purely your childhood baggage causing you to reject his suggestions, he's not your mother.

First off, please forgive me if I'm missing anything. I'm short on time so I only glanced over the most relevant parts of your thread.

With that being said, from what I can gather, it seems like your husband is trying to motivate you to better yourself and utilize your strengths better. If he suggests you get an office job, I would at least consider his advice and go for it. If it's true that you're knowledgeable in Microsoft office and you type at 120 WPM, an office job would be much better for you both because they tend to pay better while utilizing your strengths and if you're pregnant, doing what's best for you should be your top priority and standing up a lot or spending a lot of time in a high stress environment isn't healthy for you which in turn isn't healthy for the baby.

Finally, as somebody who also had an emotionally abusive mother, I know how hard it can be to have any degree of self worth and to constantly deny yourself a better life because of lingering effects from the abuse. I think by working minimum wage for 10 years you are in a way, thinking that you don't deserve better which is completely wrong; minimum wage jobs suck and nobody should have to work one for most of their life.

Remember, you are in control of your destiny now. Don't let your past have any negative effects on your happiness and never deny yourself the happiness and success that you deserve in life.

Hi Hispresence, my experience was that when I was pregnant my husband became very protective and nurturing of me - I believe that is a natural part of being a good husband and becoming a father. It sounds like your husband might be doing the same in anticipation of fatherhood.

However I can understand that his trying to influence you is 'flipping switches' owing to your background, you have worked to achieve your independence from your family and that is important to you. Have you explained to him how you feel and why?

Some conflict is normal and healthy in relationships, it's how we resolve it that counts. Because of your background you may have a fear of conflict, but with your husband it doesn't have to be like that, you don't have to repeat the patterns of your early years. This is an opportunity to work together as a couple, to decide together what is right for your family unit, working together to find a solution will make your marriage stronger.

[healingme4me]

I had sciatic nerve pain with my third pregnancy. Placenta Previa with my second pregnancy. Granted I resigned to stay home somewhere at the very beginning of my third pregnancy, I will say, Sitting Was Uncomfortable!

I'm not sure he's being controlling, exactly. At the same time, if an office job isn't what you want, it's not what you want.

If your doctor clears retail, which with what you do, is a possibility, I can see how you might have more wiggle room to rest your feet and back or move around if you need to...

This sounds like it needs compromise. Which he isn't offering when it's worded, office or home.

I think he is not being overly controlling. He's concerned about the retail job with a future pregnancy, etc. he's not trying to take away your freedom to work.

I think finding a job where you aren't on your feet all day is a good compromise.

Maybe there is a charity organization that needs an office assistant. You would have the satisfaction of making a difference in others' lives.

[healingme4me]

Every pregnancy is, indeed different. And you aren't even pregnant, yet. I've seen women work part time on feet with a mixture of on their feet and sitting.

I was really uncomfortable with 8 hours of sitting with logged bathroom breaks....sayin'...that was state employment

Then there's the question of whether there's still a job if you aren't there long enough before and during your pregnancy.

[Sesiley]

Sounds like he loves you very much. Take it one day at a time. He's not being controlling, he's looking out for you...the end of pregnancy can be difficult walking around....and staying at home tp.care for your child is the best thing ever, if you can do that.

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[jasmine30]

Thank you for all the advice given me, I really appreciated.

I know my normal meter is broken. I am in therapy to talk about my childhood emotional baggage. I been in therapy since July, now it Sept, so it almost 2 months in therapy already.
And it didn't help much. If it help much there won't be this thread.. Maybe I need new therapist, maybe I need longer time in therapy.
I know my normal meter is serverely broken. When I ask my therapist, even the therapist say my normal meter is broken.
I am in therapy right now with an Asian-American therapist.

My therapist said this is NOT a husband problem. It all a "ME" problem, "MY" problem.
She said she see nothing wrong with my husband.
It all a "ME" problem, because subconciously I still let my mother drive a wedge between my marriage.. Maybe subconciously I still yearn for the loving mother that I know this lifetime I don't have.

-----------------------------------
I'm prone to anxiety, and I tends to be over-analytical. Added on my to emotional childhood baggage. I don't have clarity.
Thank you for all advice. In the past few days, I had talk more to my husband about this "Office job'. We already discussed this before, and we discussed it again and it back to square one.

I said I'm not ready for a baby in 2016, and if we can hold it till 2017
He said we can wait another year to TTC. But he still assertive on me prepare now, and start get the Office job.
He doesn't want me work in Shoe Retail to climb on ladders when I'm pregnant/TTC, doesn't want me to run around get shoe for people to try on.

Back then when I left my abusive mother house. I sleep in Women Homeless shelter becasue I didn't have anywhere to go. Then I find a cheapest rent place and I start my life over from scratch. I fight hard to get my freedom and independence. Break free from my verbally/emotionally abusive and controlling mother.
I work at Chinese noodle restaurant washing dishes in the back, and do Food Server.

He said he does Not want me to do those type of jobs anymore.
Just like he said I does Not want me to work in Shoe Retail climbing on ladders, and be on my feet all day.
He said back then I didn't have much a choice so I work those jobs. But now I have a choice, he said he make enough money for me to stay home. So stay home is a choice I have.

He also give me a choice to go back to school. He said financially support me go back to school.
But I'm a college dropped-out. My credits in college were just from took Calculus, Java and C++ classes. I don't know what can I do with those credits for a degree.
And I'm 30 this year. Personally, I don't feel like I want to go back to school sit with young college age students.

I immigrant with my whole family to USA at age 12, it been almost two decades in USA and I only go back to China to visit one time.
I still have my grandmother in China, and I only came back to visit my grandmother one time. I admit to do miss my grandma alot.
He said I want to take a vacation, if it helps me relax. He said he pay for my trip back to China to visit my grandma.

He doing this all wrong. I feel like he manipulate me to depend on him.
From my orginal post above, due to my childhood. Freedom and Independence it VERY important to me.
I don't want to depend on him or anyone. The minimum wage job was my self-worth, I work so I have my source of income, I don't have to depend on anyone. My husband just doesn't get it. That I do Not want to depend on him.

okay, like he have 1 job he get pay weekly, and 1 job he get pay bi-weekly.
Every time he get pay, he always bring back those New $100 dollars bills, with the (s) as in more than one $100 dollars bills. He puts the money in the wallet at home for me.
Every.single.time. he get pay he do that.. He been doing that eversince we got married.

He said spend it on anything I want. Go shopping and spend it, buy things for myself.
But I don't want to spend it, because I myself have a job too (eventhough it minimum wage)
I value independence above all. I don't want to depend on him.. I feel that not getting it. He going at this all the wrong way.

Heck, there alot of Chinese Dentist/Doctors offices here in the city where I live in California. I feel that I must get this Office job so he can be happy. If not he will just keep pushing it and pushing it.
One of us gonna end up unhappy anyway.
He will be unhappy if I carried his baby and work in Shoe Retail on my feet/climb ladders.
I will be unhappy if I get the Office job. I'm unhappy because he make the choice for me.

Yes, we talked about this many times. And he give me options: Stay home, TTC give birth to baby and care for baby.
If I want to work, then it must be Office/Desk type of job where I be sitting instead of run around on my feet.
Or go back to school if I want.
It all him make the choice for me, he not getting it. And I feel that the manipulate me into me depend on him, by want to support me.

I can talk and reasoning with him till my face turn blue, till smoke come out of my head. And he still not getting it. I feel that I'm doomed.
The only way to solve this is get the office job he wants, or stay home.
I don't want to stay home, so I pick the office job. I just hope over time I don't start to feel resentful over this office job.

[unaluna]

If you can learn computers, why not do that? Go to school short time, get certificate, get temporary jobs at good wages. That IS what i did

[healingme4me]

You might enjoy the financial independence as you move away from minimum wage. Doesn't have to be a dentist office(not sure about safety if there's an xray lab, etc).. if it's off ladders, then temp work sounds fine, to shift from place to place, see what you like...

[divine1966]

If he pays for your education I would go for it! In a heart beat. You don't need to depend on him. You can become successful

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[divine1966]

You think 30 is too old to go to school? . Most people in evening classes are way older than your typical high school graduates. It's never too late and you can just go for a certificate not a degree, it beats minimum wage jobs.

I don't think your husband wants you to depend on him. It's awesome he will pay for your trip. And your education! Plus this is your husband not a stranger who offers you help!

I immigrated to the U.S. in my 30s alone with a kid, I know it is not easy but this truly is land of opportunities. So many options!

You are young woman with no children. Every door is open for you and especially now when you have your nice husband! Take him up on his offer

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[(JD)]

I truly think he cares about you... but might be over anxious? You and he need to sit and ask and answer many questions of each other... and what about after you have the baby... will he ever let you go back to work or will he insist you stay home for the good of the baby???

The great thing is you could work from home... but I sense an independence need from you, and, having worked retail and office, I understand the difference. Can you take maternity leave from the retail store? Some offer 3 months and you can return to job.

Get doctor's input because many, many women who are very healthy work till nearly birth time with no ill effects on the child. Maybe he can agree to go month by month as long as the doctor agrees? Don't give up all you love for his need for a child (and yes, it does sound like a need and that concerns me that he is that way---more questions to ask imo).