[Yismymindblank12]

I fully understand it.

That my mental illness was a curse a damn open burden I fight with. I just want to be loved and appreciated unconditionally like her, not ostracized and feel like a burden or feel like I deserved it.

As long as I can remember, no one helped me, no one loved me as much as my mother, people are still confused and get the wrong messages of me. I know why I stress them out too much, because I'm too stressed, scared and afraid. Why, because I hated hurting others. I hated being hurt, I hated that no one gave me any love or help when I needed it when I was forced to be sexually assaulted for years locked in a room and house for hours. That my life would of ended so much earlier if I had the courage tell anyone what had happened. That my life would truly be hell. It was they did it.

You think, that I am proud and happy of being a live, not one damn bit, but I have no support system, except my mom to what's left. It's like, I was abandoned all my life it felt like. That I'll self destruct one day and that be it, and people look at me with pity and not understand. It could of been anyone one of you in my position always blamed for being the victim that it's your fault you're miserable no one loves you because it's how you reacted and how you treat others.

I didn't want the pity or the empathy, I just needed someone to see I'm not crazy. My mother finally got the message, and realized the other doctors medically messed me up a lot and put me through the ringer with meds. Nearly dying many times in my life realizing, that my life wasn't worth much at the time.

I still can't stop for what I'm doing, because people need to know that no one is a bad person for what I went through. I can be completely honest if any one of you ever went through what I did, you'd end up lost like me. It's not a bold assumption, it's how it is, and whether you may or may not do some things different the feelings would mostly be the same. Emptiness feeling that everyone is better than you, because they never suffered as hard as you did and put you under the rug like the accident in the room. Living a life that people rather shun and shame and ridicule you than give you open arms you see everywhere on the news of story of bravery and success from these other victims.

I never got that. I never got the satisfaction those successful justice stories they got nor the support. I'm being told to count my blessings on what I have, when someone takes everything from you. Then another one and another and another. You learn that, people want to take not give. You give hoping someone would give back in return and not ask, that they see past what others say or believe and really see it from my perspective.

It maybe how it is, but I truly felt more lonely now than ever in my life. Before, when everything was going on, I had hope that people would see this monster and how sadistic and evil human cruelty can be.
Why I said I wanted to be a girl I struggled with my gender, because of my abuse, not because I felt inferior. I felt sadly fooled to believed if I was a girl in this situation everything would of changed people would listened and believe me. I hated myself and my body because no one saw me past how I looked at the time and called me a lot of names, "freak, *****, *****, man *****, slut, ****** and so on." I know these will be blotted out, but you gotta believe me.

I needed a savior then as much as I do now, excluding myself, because I learned the hard way I only have myself to save. It's upsetting that I'm expected to act a certain way, because it's not normal to experience or feel what I feel in a "normal" world.

When my grandmother died rotting in front of me barely breathing at 12 at a nursing home from alzhiemers, you think I wanted to hear from a nun to say, "you should listen to you're teachers what would your grandmother feel? She'd be dissapointed in you." I blew up got so pissed off in that classroom everyone in that room assumed I'm a rebel, but I am no rebel. I was offended how someone with her notoriety of self respect and continue to dog my grandmother after she died 3 months before and had the audacity to punish me for being upset.

How I act out on here is a resemblance of what cruelty can do to a persons mind, being a slave, being tortured mentally and physically for years.

My mom stood by me through all of that. I can say, if she passes and no one no group of friends no support to love me for me. I can honestly say, that I will end my life when it comes, because you have to be in this position to understand what I'm feeling.

the vulnerability the shock the feeling that you were someone's pet object that someone had full control over your body and your mind. Experiencing that in my dating life never helped and it made me afraid to love or feel happy about having any crush. I get so scared of hurting them, scaring them, or worst of all them abusing me. I just act like I don't care.

I wish people knew, my story I badly do. I wish I could help others, I know if I lose my mother I got nothing left. I truly am being honest. One day I cried in class openly over a story from the holocaust it felt overwhelmingly similar to what I went through for many many years. I got a front row seat of what this world is capable of doing to others.

Even after all of that messed up stuff. I have on intention to break my spirit to ever stoop near their level. I'm responsible, because it's my way of saying they don't control me. If I could have anything in the world right now. I would immediately say, go back in time have the police lock up my perpetrators. People seen me in a positive light and love me as any kid should of deserved.

I learned that even though I'm selfish in that way, I chose to be selfish in somehow coping by letting others into my life, but me helping them being a friend. I realized not many people like me anymore so no need to worry what others think. So now life isn't easy now, but I still hope I get the peace I needed all my life. I was told if I cried hard enough someone would hear me.

[divine1966]

I am sorry you are struggling. You mentioned in the past that you are afraid she will die yet you said she doesn't have any deadly illnesses and I would assume she is fairly young. She hopefully will live many years. What makes you think of her dying? Did her health condition changed for the worse? Mine has cancer and is undergoing chemo and is older than yours yet I think she will stick it through. What makes you think yours might die?

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