[dmaclae]

I wonder if anyone has any insight into the roll abandonment issues may have on how a person interacts with their spouse on a daily basis- especially in terms of arguments? My wife and I have been married 22 years, and our relationship has had wonderful highs, along with some nasty lows. I really can't remember a month going by in that 22 years where we wouldn't have at least one sizable fight. I've been forced to do quite a bit of inward examination over the past 9 months as she's taken a job in another state, and our relationship almost ended. I finally realized that I had simply failed to say things I wanted to say, and rarely actually tried to discuss things with her, I simply tried to debate her into submission with each fight, never letting her get close to me. My mother died suddenly when I was 12, leaving me with a very distant dad to raise me. I wonder if I could have always subconsciously feared she's leave if I let her get too close, so I spent 22 years keeping one arm firmly around her, while the other one pushed her just slightly away?

[H3rmit]

Hi dmaclae -

I have abandonment issues. My relationship with my husband MAY be ending - I hope not. I feel like your last line describes what my husband does, though - afraid to really be close. And now he has changed and has become even more distant, and very blaming of me. I am so sad and feeling very rejected and abandoned, increasingly, over the past months. So terribly sad. My husband uses rapidfire defences to avoid dealing with whatever's on the table, arguing into submission, as you say, except that I am stronger at arguing. I don't want to argue - I want to share feelings and be compassionate and grow and change. I hope we can do that together, instead of me doing it alone.

[healingme4me]

It's possible. That's a terrible loss to experience, especially at a young age. It's a positive step to take a step back and closer look into your part of the relationship. Are either of you seeking marital or individual counseling?

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

It's possible. That's a terrible loss to experience, especially at a young age. It's a positive step to take a step back and closer look into your part of the relationship. Are either of you seeking marital or individual counseling?

I am going counseling alone, starting tomorrow. he won't go with me, even though a few weeks ago he agreed to. tears and tears and tears. I need to work on anger management, and abandomnet and rejection are the core of my depths. He used to be more needy than me. He has come up in the world and doesn't need me, so now he resents me, even though he used to say he got there only with my help.

[healingme4me]

I hope that you are able to get through this, for your own sake, with counseling. It's good that you recognize what you want to address. Sad that he'd not recognize that two people contribute to any breakdowns that do exist.
It's heartbreaking, I know, when it feels like the relationship is reneged on when both don't go. Not saying there's no hope, it's also possible as you begin to heal, he'd follow your lead.

[H3rmit]

healing4me, the relationship does feel reneged on, abandoned. That's very triggering, even though there are still tenuous threads. He says he will do whatever he can to forgive me, but it might take months of thinking. Yet, he's also promised he won't dash off and leave me in the next few days, and we shouldn't do anything drastic on impulse without thinking about it. That last sentence a result of conferring with a new friend in my building. I've been making the rounds of people who have been friendly to me in the past, and having the first experience in my life of "girl friends" to talk about girl stuff like relationships and life in general. I HAVE NEVER HAD THAT. Only this desperate lost of my one and only "true" friend and sweetheart.

I apologize for blurting all over this thread. The abandonment/rejection caught me, as it's a driver in my life. I have been rather domineering and driving the relationship, controlling it. is that because of abandonment or because I'm 25 years older than he is, so he was young and green when we married. So now he's in the prime of his sexual life an d I'm an old fart. Difficult.