[dalua]

Hi!
Sooo, I need help with dealing with my sister-in-law (let's call her Jill). Here's the story.
Jill and I became great friends through work. We were really close. She moved in with her boyfriend and his brother. Fastforward a few years, and I'm dating her boyfriend's brother. We are now sisters-in-law. Yayyyy....not.

Following a bout with depression and anxiety disorder, I was living with my parents (I was then 27). My boyfriend had bought a house with his brother. She moved in with them. As I started spending more time at their place, she started changing. She'd barely talk to me, or would act resentful for some reason. I'd ask her why and what I'd get as an answer is that I was paranoid and there was nothing wrong. "like any other person, one doesn't feel like talking all the time." hmm.. ok!

I started noticing little things about her that didn't ring true to the friend I had known. She lied to make herself look better. Now, we all do this, but she'd do it to the detriment of others. She wouldn't do a thing in the house to contribute, except to clean up her own room and do her own laundry. When it came to meals, cleaning dishes or other housework, she would do so only when asked. She would ***** the whole time, and then act as though she deserved a medal for doing it.

Towards me, she's hot and cold. Usually cold when we're alone together, warm when she wants to look like she's being nice to me to others. She never asks how I am, what's new with me, even if I ask her those things. When good things happen to me, she's quick to bring me down, with negative comments ("why would you want to do THAT?!", "meh, I like such-and-such better", "oh, I've done that before") that sound innocent enough but that I know are meant in a negative way.

Now, I guess in most cases, it would be "easy" to distance myself from her. But here's the thing... she lives with my boyfriend (although we are planning on buying a house in the next year), and my boyfriend and his brother are very close. They are best friends. And have the same group of friends. As the new one to said group, and having social anxiety, I find it very hard to feel comfortable in her presence, especially when we are in a group setting. I can only imagine what she says behind my back, and it hurts me and makes me feel like a fool. I never know how to act around her, or the others (though it must be said the group of friends are very nice to me).

My anxiety had gotten better, but she is making it worse. The other day, I was sitting by the pool with her and a mutual friend of ours, and felt totally rejected from the conversation. It's like she does it on purpose. She'll start conversations on events from the past at which I was not, or will make plans that don't include me. I had a panic attack then.

It's hard because I feel that I become a person I don't want to be when I'm around her... I get angry, hurt, anxious. I want to be able to look forward to get togethers with friends and family, but instead, I find myself dreading them now. I know I'm the one who is ultimatly in control of my own emotions, but I just don't know how to deal anymore. This is 5 years in the making and I am exhausted. I have come a long way, finished university, got a steady job, my own place, a car, I can manage in big crowds and get over my fears.

If this issue could be resolved, I could honestly say that I am exactly where I want to be in my life.

Doesn't help that I hate confrontations and that she is very outspoken and defensive.

I don't know what to do.

PS - while my boyfriend (and even her boyfriend) acknowledge her behavior, they want to stay out of it.

[popuri88]

If I were in your place I'd find it really hard to solve this in a direct but pacific way without my boyfriend's or someone else's support. Otherwise it's just your word against hers.

Maybe they think it's enough to ignore her since they're aware of her behaviour as something pathetic? Have you talked to your boyfriend and made yourself clear about feeling disrespected? It's good to make sure he knows what you're going through, just in case of, who knows, you both end up fighting.