[frv231]

Very long story short, I just recently found out that I have another child with a woman I dated a very long time ago. The little girl is a pre-teen years old, the mother was not sure who’s child it was the man who is on the birth certificate is the only one the child has known as her dad. Mom and the kid’s “dad” have a very toxic relationship they were married (after the child was born) the relationship became somewhat abusive and they divorced. In talking with the Mom the little girl loves her dad (the only guy she has ever known to be her dad) but she has inherited some of my genetic medical conditions. I am happily married with 4 kids with my wife, my wife is being incredibly supportive of the situation. The mom and I did the tests and its verified, she has not and has no plans on telling the little girls “dad” and I agree because we don’t want to destroy that dynamic for her. I am conflicted because the mom wants me to have a relationship with this little girl, I do as well very much so. But I don’t want to cause her problems. I have spent a lot of time reading about peoples experiences on both sides of the coin, most of the time they are about a bio father who abandoned them. The medical contiions are perfectly treatable, but because they are genetic she is going to find out about them some day. What is best for the child, is it best to get to know her as a family friend, to not get to know her, or for her to be told the truth but re-inforce that her dad is the man who has raised her, that I didn’t know about it but still would like to know her?

[hvert]

Wow, that is a really hard one! I am not sure you can predict any sort of outcome. I really have no idea which option is better, they all have some pluses and minuses. Whatever you think is the right thing to do probably is.

[Cat_Lover_58]

It's nice (not the word I want to use, but it's what comes to mind) to hear that you want to be involved in this young girls life. I don't know the answer either. It's a tough decision. I think your heart will tell you what the right thing to do is.

I'm just wondering in what manner you would have a relationship with her. I had a number of 'aunts' and 'uncles' growing up that were unrelated but close family friends. I never thought anything out of the ordinary by it. I suppose that is one way to be close. Have you considered that having a relationship with her would necessitate one with her mother as well?

It is a conundrum you are in but I am pleasantly impressed that you are considering this - so too that your wife is supportive. It may not work out, but then again chances are probably higher it would.

[frv231]

Thanks everyone, It's a hard position because the biggest thing for me is making sure that the little girl is happy, healthy, and has a bright future. I don't want to create problems for her now or down the road, I would feel horrible about it. [RCAT] I have a very good relationship with the Mom, in-fact her and my wife are very quickly developing a friendship through the discussions we have been having about the situation. Im actually quite surprised because I assumed that I would been harboring some hard core resentment towards the Mom for not filling me in about the situation a long time ago, or that she suspected it, but I don't have any of those emotions towards her.

***** PLEASE B4 DRAWING ASSUMPTIONS: I forced it out of her she has been dodging the subject, I was raised in an affluent family I know when someone is out for the money so to speak, she is not, and I hold a tremendous amount of respect for her because of that***

Still not sure what to do but the Mom and I were talking and I started to gather that they have some income problems, not like they cant feed them self's. But things like not being able to buy her new cloths for school, art materials (the little girl loves to paint and write stories), books etc. My wife and I were talking about it last night because once I figured this out I just have a very strong desire to help in that aspect as well if you know what I am saying. I cannot seem to shake an overwhelming feeling of shame, because I never checked on the possibility with the mother for 10 years, I cant help but feel that I failed my new daughter and her mom for over a decade, and to be honest I feel like far much less of a Man and Father because of that. My wife again totally being supportive agrees with me, were both trying to figure out what we can do to help. I mean we don't have stacks of cash laying around, in fact this has been one of the worst business years of my life I have not been able to pay my self in 8 months. But we definitely can get simple things like, cloths, art supplies, books or a kindle, a laptop (I have a IT company so I have computers literally acting as coasters on my coffee table) but again we are at a loss on a) how to approach it with Mom and b) how to explain were this stuff all came from.

I am so pleased to learn that this is not only being well thought out but that all parties are being involved in such a reasonable and not emotional manner. Cudows to all of you.

I really like the sound of the art classes by the way.

[Trippin2.0]

As a mother of a pre-teen and an aunt of nieces who were kept in the dark re: Their eldest sister's paternity, I vote for get to know the precious little girl, develop a rapport with her and once the mother thinks the timing is right, tell her the truth, and assure her that her dad is still her dad, ur not interested in replacing him, you're happy to take on the role of godfather, uncle or whatever, but express that you'd like to play some type of role and maybe even let her set the terms for that role.


Eg, "ok, u can be my uncle John and we can hangout once a month", or something like that.



Thing is, like you said, she's bound to find out, and when she does, she's going to figure out that key players in her life kept important secrets from her.


Doesn't matter why, she will feel betrayed, lied to and wont be able to trust any of you guys and that may extend to being unable to trust others too... Which is understandable when u feel like ur whole life was a lie.


From my experience with similar situations, the kids, although shocked at first and needing time to process, they appreciate being treated like a real person, instead of a dumb rock, and they're resilient, so they learn to adapt to the new situation once they've had the time to process the new information.


Kudos to you, your wife and your ex. If you guys keep acting like a team then your daughter should turn out just fine.

[krisakira]

I think she should know. I would want to know. It's best to tell the children the truth, because they will find out eventually and be mad that no one told them. That's just my perspective.

[healingme4me]

Maybe start slow, even in the provider role?

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by frv231

Very long story short, I just recently found out that I have another child with a woman I dated a very long time ago. The little girl is a pre-teen years old, the mother was not sure who’s child it was the man who is on the birth certificate is the only one the child has known as her dad. Mom and the kid’s “dad” have a very toxic relationship they were married (after the child was born) the relationship became somewhat abusive and they divorced. In talking with the Mom the little girl loves her dad (the only guy she has ever known to be her dad) but she has inherited some of my genetic medical conditions. I am happily married with 4 kids with my wife, my wife is being incredibly supportive of the situation. The mom and I did the tests and its verified, she has not and has no plans on telling the little girls “dad” and I agree because we don’t want to destroy that dynamic for her. I am conflicted because the mom wants me to have a relationship with this little girl, I do as well very much so. But I don’t want to cause her problems. I have spent a lot of time reading about peoples experiences on both sides of the coin, most of the time they are about a bio father who abandoned them. The medical contiions are perfectly treatable, but because they are genetic she is going to find out about them some day. What is best for the child, is it best to get to know her as a family friend, to not get to know her, or for her to be told the truth but re-inforce that her dad is the man who has raised her, that I didn’t know about it but still would like to know her?

So where is the guy that she knows as dad now? You said the relationship turned abusive and they got divorced. Surely that was not a good experience for the girl. How did she handle that? You said she still loves her "dad" and so it sounds like she does have a good relationship. However mom feels it would be best for you to get to know her. I would think mom knows her daughter well enough to tell if this would be good or bad for the girl, however no one can predict how she will feel about it and how it would affect her.

If it were me, I would want the truth because I value honesty very much. In my own teen years there was a lot of turmoil, and maybe this would have just added one more thing that was stressful emotionally for me to deal with (teenage girls tend to have a lot of emotional things going on). At the same time, it may have been beneficial to have another person in my life who wants nothing but the best for me and is supportive. There is nothing wrong with having 2 dads, it happens all the time these days. Families look a lot different now than they did in the past. And like Trippin wrote - kids are resilient. I would try and take it slow and then see what she wants. Good luck.