[crosstobear]

Anyone ever been in one? Friendship or love relationship where one side encourages dependency through listening to problems, helping, etc. but when the other side finally improves and gets on his or her feet, they feel insecure and have to do something to sabotage the relationship?

I had a close friend I cut out of my life recently. He had body image issues, etc and I was a bigger guy struggling with metabolic problems from my medication. I also was at a dead end in my life, working 70-80 hours a week and being miserable, hopping from one bad relationship to the next. He would let me vent and tell me things I wanted to hear, but never call me out on my ****. He'd say I look muscular when I was indeed fat. Once I managed to lose weight and get very fit, then start graduate school, and find a better job, he began flaking, being passive aggressive, lying, and even shitting on me in front of other people. It continued and despite how much I tried to talk things out with him he'd say there was no problem and he was just "depressed" and would blame his family. But the actions showed, despite the words. It seemed to me that he needed me to be fat, poor, miserable, and going nowhere. His housemates and friends for the most part are going nowhere and have lots of problems, and he takes on the caretaker-mother role for them. I guess that makes him look good in comparison.

Anyone relate?

[unaluna]

Geez it took all that? I had a friend who had like 10 things in her life better than me - a relationship, a permanent job, a happy family of origin, trips to france, parties every weekend, a summer cottage, pets, home ownership - i got ONE THING - a job close to home - and that was IT - friendship over. She couldnt stand me anymore!

[crosstobear]

That's why I learn to keep things to my self and keep most people at arm's length until they prove themselves to me. I was always the underdog, and it attracted many predatory "friends" who needed someone who was clearly struggling in order to make themselves feel good. Once I generally got myself together some ****** people in my life started turning on me or trying deliberately to sabotage me. They needed the fat, depressed, going-nowhere version of me in order to justify their own inaction and problems. I am so glad I kicked that filth out of my life. I'm happy having a small circle of close friends and keeping everyone else at a solid distance.

[unaluna]

Yeah that incident kinda threw me. Esp when i list the other persons good stuff. Im like, omg am i everybodys charity case cuz im fat and a little goofy? Dont they realize how brilliant i am? idk!

Your friend has a serious self esteem problem and needs to surround himself with people he perceives to have problems in his life. 'Helping'such persons out only gives him more validation he is 'better' than the group be had cultivated.

I say move on.