[Brandon85297]

I have been married to my wife for 17 years. During the majority of that time, we have been on a roller coaster ride with her sister. Her sister is combative, uses people for either money or favors and has continually said the worst things imaginable about not only me, but my wife. We suspect that she may be bipolar and/or alcoholic, but in my eyes, that's not a free pass for her to abuse others. Over 17 years, there has been endless dramas, and she hates my guts because I won't let her take advantage of my wife - and she hates me for it.

Right now on the endless merry-go-round, we haven't spoken to her in 3 years (except for when she corners my wife at the Christmas gathering to talk poorly about me.) However, the merry-go-round start button has been pressed again as she is taking a road trip with my wife & daughter to go to a wedding. Additionally, my sister-in-law is starting to invite my wife to regular events during the week in addition to her already busy schedule. My wife is going.

I'm trying to be pragmatic and take a backseat to all of this and go with the "I won't interfere and tell you how to deal with your sister - your sibling relationship is your business, not mine." I am 95% sure that we're back on the merry-go-round and we will once again be immersed with spirit sucking drama with her.

But truthfully, the high road doesn't seem like the appropriate road. Can you guys help me with these major concerns I have?

1. How can I protect myself and my kids from having to participate in the next merry-go-round drama, even though we didn't open the door to allow it to happen this time - my wife did?
   If I don't participate in the all but certain next drama, that makes me look like an unempathetic husband, doesn't it? I'm afraid that will affect my standing with my wife.
   I'm dealing with a smidge of resentment. Although my wife is on my side when her sister is abusive to us, she doesn't strongly defend me. She's afraid of her sister. I'm not. I come from the school of "defend your family at all costs" and I'm struggling with her not defending me as much as I defend her.

Thanks in advance for giving me different perspectives on this.

[WifeofBPD]

That is definitely a tricky position. I wish I had an easy answer. I was in a similar situation with my ex-sister-in-law. She was a total monster...cruel and heartless to me but an angel in front of him. In fact, he would get angry at me if I stood up for myself and blame me for any tension! She even admitted she enjoyed manipulating people like the puppets she thought they were. I tried to tell my ex for years...and it didnt do any good.

I guess the point I'm getting at is that you can not make someone see what they don't want to. It took her personally attacking him to wake up and see what I had been dealing with for 12 years (by that time). IMHO, I wouldn't stand in the way of her relationship with her sister, but I would refuse to allow her to affect you and the other members of your immediate family. She will not see what is going on as you do until she deals with whatever issue she has with her sister. Sadly, that's not something you can change.

Best of Luck!

~Seanachai~

[*Laurie*]

I, too, have a toxic SIL. My husband and I have been married for nearly 35 years, raised a beautiful family together, but his sister acts like he and I are a couple of silly kids. My husband's parents were very loving toward me- not so his awful sister. My best sense tells me that for whatever reasons, she feels threatened by me. And it's hurtful because my husband clearly walks a line (or sits on a fence) with his sister and I. He will absolutely not really defend me to her, tell her to just plain knock off her odd behavior.

It's really tough to have crummy in-laws. All I can think of doing is avoiding her as much as possible, and taking the high road- for me, when I have to see the woman I'm polite, but certainly not warm.

Nice that you had a three-year break from your SIL. Hopefully she'll sort of fade away again.

Btw- I would say that keeping open communication about this issue with your wife is of utmost importance to your relationship. I mean, really talk with your wife- and really listen to her. Best of luck to you!