[UnhingedHick]

I've been friends with a really nice person for just over a year. The only problem is I'm not sure if she is unintentionally emotionally abusing me etc.. She's a bit younger than me and so I feel perhaps now as emotionally mature as she is in her manner of acting.
I thought perhaps if I explained the issue I could have some second opinions/insight on how to move things forward for the better.


I know when I was her age I was totally different to the man I am know - This being said I knew i was being unreasonable and sort help for myself.

Basically my friend is making me feel uneasy at times as I'm always worried about doing/saying things wrong (she's an online friend FYI but I know her IRL too). I'll try to do something nice, then she will find some round about way to make it out as if I have done something wrong and get extremely passive aggressive. She also has double standard as she is allowed to act toward her friends as she pleases but if I do this she will yet again become passive aggressive and jealous. I understand she get jealous because she likes me in a romantic way, I've expressed that I do not feel the same and that was the one time we have a reasonable understanding and conversation.
The problem is our relationship is complicated and I feel tied down in the wrong ways and constantly worry about doing everything wrong with her. I avoid conflict as I do not wish to be yelled at or ignored for things I have not done, but on the other hand I feel it's beginning to get to much. If I point out and try to talk to her about it I know it will end up worse than me just persevering. I don't want to loose one of the only closest friendships I have as this person is - most of the time - really nice, generous and a pleasure to spend time with, but on occasion things keep getting a bit crazy with everything and I don't know how to deal with it?

Any ideas or help would be greatly appreciated. It's more complicated because our relationship is verging on friends with benefits type of thing. I'm not sure what to do!

[Trippin2.0]

Well idk what to say except that becoming FWB seems like a colossal mistake.


For 1, she's in love with you so it will be "more" for her than for you.


2, this will probably lead to her acting out even worse than she does now.


Why I say this?


Because I was her, only difference is my bf (then FWB) reciprocated my feelings, but was in no emotional shape for a relationship at the time.

So I stuck it out.


Lucky me it worked out, but it was crazy making in the beginning, especially with my own brand of issues.


I don't suggest that type of setup when one party clearly has romance in mind and the other feels nothing of the sort.


Its just unfair and a recipe for disaster.


Someone is going to get hurt.

Hi unhinged. I read your complicated story. I can say that if your gut feeling tells you something is wrong and you feel bound or in a bind, cut yourself loose from it for a while. Take a time out to breathe and decide if this friendship is healthy for you. Don't do things out of empathy or pity cause that can destroy you. You need friends to give and take. If there is no reciprocation then you must ask yourself, are you being codependent and why. I learned this the hard way. All friends from time to time need a break from one another. And it is not good to demand too much from one friend. I hope this helps. Blessings.

[UnhingedHick]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Well idk what to say except that becoming FWB seems like a colossal mistake.


For 1, she's in love with you so it will be "more" for her than for you.


2, this will probably lead to her acting out even worse than she does now.


Why I say this?


Because I was her, only difference is my bf (then FWB) reciprocated my feelings, but was in no emotional shape for a relationship at the time.

So I stuck it out.


Lucky me it worked out, but it was crazy making in the beginning, especially with my own brand of issues.


I don't suggest that type of setup when one party clearly has romance in mind and the other feels nothing of the sort.


Its just unfair and a recipe for disaster.


Someone is going to get hurt.

[
I don't feel that her stronger feelings means we should end our friendship. I'm more on the asexual scale - she was totally understanding of this but because of her emotional reactions toward things, makes me not want a relationship. But I do want a friendship.

[UnhingedHick]

Originally Posted by omegalamed

Hi unhinged. I read your complicated story. I can say that if your gut feeling tells you something is wrong and you feel bound or in a bind, cut yourself loose from it for a while. Take a time out to breathe and decide if this friendship is healthy for you. Don't do things out of empathy or pity cause that can destroy you. You need friends to give and take. If there is no reciprocation then you must ask yourself, are you being codependent and why. I learned this the hard way. All friends from time to time need a break from one another. And it is not good to demand too much from one friend. I hope this helps. Blessings.

Thanks, Omegal. I guess I'm sticking it out in hope she will grow up. I have two friends, she is one of them. I don't want to feel totally alone in this world, she is very dear to me and greatly understanding. I wish she could allow me to be a little more free with my movements and actions toward my other friend(s)/people. I feel I deserve the freewill as she has it and we're not in a romantic relationship. It's not as if I'm trying to push her aside or anything. She doesn't understand this.

[Rose76]

If she likes you romantically, and you don't have reciprocal feelings, then this is not going to go in a good direction. And now you are considering a friendship-with-benefits kind of deal with her? Do that and, the case could be made, that you will be exploiting her romantic interest in you.

I'm not a big believer in these cross-gender friendships. They come up in this forum all the time. They are never happy, and I don't think they can be. (I've tried them myself years ago.) If a single guy and a single girl are hanging out together, at least one of them is looking for romance. The one who isn't really ought to be big enough to bow out and put an end to a situation that is just frustrating to the other party. Nothing too good is going to come of an arrangement like that.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by UnhingedHick

[
I don't feel that her stronger feelings means we should end our friendship. I'm more on the asexual scale - she was totally understanding of this but because of her emotional reactions toward things, makes me not want a relationship. But I do want a friendship.

I didn't mean ending the friendship, I said adding sexual benefits to it is a really baaaad idea.

[Rose76]

It sounds like this could work out great, if she would "grow up" and be as you want her to be. That's not going to happen - not tomorrow, or next week, or next year. She will develop at her own pace, in her own way. That's all she can do. And, growing up is never going to mean that she will do well in a relationship where she feels romantic, and the other party (you) doesn't. But you don't want to be alone, so get what you can out of her and decide that any upset she feels is her tough luck. Those are, basically, your two options. You can limit your involvement with her to not very much, or you can continue frustrating her.

You can tell yourself that there is some third option where she learns to stop "abusing" you. That's a fantasy. This really isn't complicated.

She wants what she wants and you want what you want. Neither one of you is going to get it - not from each other. But you are both free to continue wasting each other's time. That probably seems easier than the work of finding compatible people to be in relationships with. I mean there are only a few billion other humans out there.

I get it that you have a real tough time forming relationships. So you keep a white knuckle grip on the few you form and determine that, by hook or by crook, you'll mold this connection into being what you want it to be. I'm sorry, but you won't. She's never going to "allow" what you think should be allowable. She's pursuing her happiness. You two are at cross purposes.