[mojave_rose8]

Ok, I know it seems odd, but let me give the background.

I have a friend with a lying problem. She doesn't lie to hurt people, and I have never seen her benefit from lying. I think she does it to seem more interesting than she actually is, to make people like her, and to momentarily lift her from depression. She doesn't seem to be ashamed of her lying; it's just who she is. She's had an unhappy life and maybe creating another life brings her comfort. Other than the lying, she is a good friend, compassionate, and fun to be with.

Because the lying amuses me, sometimes I like to see how far she'll take it. I know which questions will produce lying, and I'll ask those questions just to see the tales she'll spin. I never call her out, but just listen, bemused.

Is this wrong? Is this cruel? Any thoughts?

I don't think so. Then again, I've been known to do what your friend does to a much lesser extent.

Right and wrong isn't a universal black and white thing. The concept of right and wrong is dictated solely by the individual. In the end, only you can make the decision.

[Bill3]

I never call her out, but just listen, bemused.

Is this wrong? Is this cruel?

You could ask yourself if it would be wrong or cruel for someone to encourage you yourself to play out one of your own traits in this manner.

[WifeofBPD]

I have to agree with Bill... I would think that the role of people toward one another is to be encouraging and to lift them up, especially if this person is a friend. Imho, when people manipulate others, specifically for their amusement...its wrong. If someone has to get their jollies by making another look foolish, that speaks volumes about the first person's insecurities. Then again, that's my humble opinion....

[Rose76]

I think it can be wrong. It would seem to me that a person does this because they don't trust that they are acceptable just as they are. One of the benefits of true friendship, in my opinion, is that a person enjoys an increasing sense of being accepted just as they are. So when you lure a person into displaying these tendencies to lie, I think you are stimulating them to tune in to their anxieties, which are what this behavior is rooted in. A true friend, I think, would want to encourage them to feel more secure about dropping this mask that they hide behind.

While I don't doubt that you're friend is a good person and that the lying behavior is probably fairly harmless, this behavior is most likely crowding out healthier ways that she could bolster her self-esteem. While she is living in these fantasies, she is probably neglecting developing her real capacities to be successful and to come to terms with negative things about, say, her family that she need not feel she has to disguise. She's keeping herself in a childish state of mind, which might seem kind of cute to you, but that's blocking her development into a stronger, more mature person who can better cope with life's challenges.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

I am not at all sure that it is right to collude with someone's unhelpful behaviour. As a friend I wonder if you ought in fact gently challenge your friend over her lying, but give her a chance to back out, don't humiliate her.

[mojave_rose8]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I think it can be wrong. It would seem to me that a person does this because they don't trust that they are acceptable just as they are. One of the benefits of true friendship, in my opinion, is that a person enjoys an increasing sense of being accepted just as they are. So when you lure a person into displaying these tendencies to lie, I think you are stimulating them to tune in to their anxieties, which are what this behavior is rooted in. A true friend, I think, would want to encourage them to feel more secure about dropping this mask that they hide behind.

While I don't doubt that you're friend is a good person and that the lying behavior is probably fairly harmless, this behavior is most likely crowding out healthier ways that she could bolster her self-esteem. While she is living in these fantasies, she is probably neglecting developing her real capacities to be successful and to come to terms with negative things about, say, her family that she need not feel she has to disguise. She's keeping herself in a childish state of mind, which might seem kind of cute to you, but that's blocking her development into a stronger, more mature person who can better cope with life's challenges.

I agree with everything you say; however, my friend is almost 70 years old, and I don't think she has any motivation to change. This is clearly deeply-rooted, maladaptive behavior that's been with her for many years.

[mojave_rose8]

Originally Posted by Bill3

You could ask yourself if it would be wrong or cruel for someone to encourage you yourself to play out one of your own traits in this manner.

I think it would depend on if I had shame associated with said trait, to be honest. And I don't think she's ashamed of her lying -- although I could be wrong. (I know, I should probably give her the benefit of the doubt on that.)

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by mojave_rose8

I agree with everything you say; however, my friend is almost 70 years old, and I don't think she has any motivation to change. This is clearly deeply-rooted, maladaptive behavior that's been with her for many years.

Well, that does put a different complexion on this whole situation. She is now about as mature as she is ever going to get. So her mindset is unlikely to transition into something new. But I would still say that you don't want to be engaging with her in a way where you are deliberately eliciting this behavior from her. It's not right to manipulate another person for your private entertainment. That is not respectful of her dignity as a person. It's okay to be a bit bemused when she lapses into this fantasy -sharing. No need to get uptight about it.

I would refer you to Man of constant sorrow's advice that I think shows great wisdom. Do nothing to embarress her needlessly.

There can be a cost to you of enabling this behavior. If she sees that cooking up fairytales is a successful way of getting attention from you, then she has an incentive to do more and more of this. How patient are you really able to continue being with listening to baloney? There may come a point where you tire of being an audience for her fictions. But you'll have trained her to think this is a way for her to relate to you.

It sounds like this lady uses this lying behavior as a way of getting attention that feels good to her. She is trying to get her legitimate emotional needs met in this way because she has found this works for her. You might find this gets old for you. I actually have dealt with behavior of this type, specifically in older women. I eventually found that I got tired of pretending to believe stuff that I didn't believe. Shift the conversation to something more reality based when you can in a gentle way.