jealousy issues in relationship

I am going through a really bad phase where I get so jealous that I try to control her. I need help. It’s ruined my relationship. I fight with her a lot. But, whenever she talks about a guy , hangs out with them, it kills me. One moment I will realise that I should not reeact, but the very next moment I would tell something so weird that I also get ashamed of later .

Is it because I do not trust her. But, I have never doubted her commitment. It's just that I go crazy and feel left out , am I a psycho ?

Oh boy, do I ever know this so ever well.

- I think first you have to decide on what your boundaries are; what does or doesn't cross the line.
- do you or would you stay within those same boundaries
Her having relationships with other men is problematic. I've been stung by relationships my partners have had on and offline myself.

Questions:

Do YOU have female friends?
Do YOU go out alone with them?
How open are your about your own relationships?
Does her going out happen frequently? Does it impact the time you spend with her?
Do you suspect these men have become her confidants?
How does she react to your telling her you don't like the behaviour?
What are her expectations of you having relationships with women?
Also how old are the each of you. I am uncomfortable with saying so, but there seems to be a different set of values and acceptable behaviour from the new generation. All the more reason to lay out your expected boundaries.

You need to sit down and put your thoughts in order, what do you consider your boundaries and what are your expectations. What is that line in the sand and what does crossing it look like?

You then need to inform her of that and she should do the same with you.

Consider how she might feel if you behaved the same.

I admit I did have a few male friends; but, I did NOT conduct these friendships in secret. My BF met them. I ensured I conducted my conversations with them in his presense (ie. I skype chatted while he was in the same room). And he met them. I made sure I was completely open with him about these friendships. Perhaps the fact they live 7hrs away made it easier though as I was not spending time with them.

Anyway, the point I am making is that I took his thoughts and possible feelings into perspective. I conducted myself to the limits I would have expected from him. And, most importantly I ensured he ramained my confidant. That no other man was privy to my inner thoughts.

My own flags went up upon reading not that she'd mentioned a guy friend, but is going places with them, I presume alone?

That's the territory that gets to me, personally. Doesn't make me psycho, makes me guarded about the affair potential, emotional or physical. Affair meaning, long term , a bit too close for comfort territory. I've been burned pretty severely in my own past. The first time was because of peer pressure from my boyfriend, awww cmon they're just friends to ohhhh so and so thinks that if we work on this, things can be better because I'm spread too thin and have little energy for you so I'll blame you for wanting what little is left. His marriage after me did result in divorce due to cheating. He pushed boundaries with me, then crossed them with her.
In my marriage, the closeness to a colleague seemed to fill his mind right up, his friend was a cheater on her spouse and it fueled fear onto me. He's bpd, and that's the imaging of threat....1 of 9 criteria.

I agree with rcat's list...

Hey man your not psycho, your just insecure and clingy. You need to be confident in yourself and stop overthinking it.
I can smell your insecurity just from reading your post. If she talks or hangs with another dude that is perfectly normal. For example if you started talking to another girl and your girlfriend started getting jealous, that is a huge turn off.
If you truly confident in yourself as a individual, this shouldn't be an issue for you.
Now let's say you were right to be insecure/jealous and she cheated on you. Then so what, just move on

I think if I had a desire to hang out with some guy then most likely there is something missing in my relationship. I hang out with my girlfriends and family and my significant other. Either together or separately. I do have men friends as well as my BF has female friends. But we aren't hanging out with them separately from each other. I barely have time for my BF where would I find energy and time to hang out with other guys?

Talk to her why is she hanging out with some guys? What are they doing together that you can't be a part of it?

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Why is a need for fidelity insecure and clingy?

I wouldn't say that I've been clingy in any of my last three serious relationships. I'm the opposite. I wouldn't even classify myself as insecure. Yet, there's a definite line in the sand that I need drawn.

It's bothering him for a reason. What are those reasons, other than tearing him down. He might need to walk if she's not on the same page, I agree.

You know what? I might even be so bold to classify his girlfriend as the insecure one. Searching, Searching, Searching for that void to be filled by needing numerous extras in her life...sayin'

I understand what you are saying. I have been so insecure in my last couple relationships. With my ex fiancé, I know he wasn't cheating on me but I would go berserk if he had female friends (not that he hung out with, just one speaking to him on Facebook) and here's the kicker; I could have as many guy friends as I wanted, in my mind. That isn't right. I should have never been that way towards him. I think that what has been said above about dealing with our insecurities is extremely important. I am trying to undo ten years of insecurities and it's difficult to change that negative way of thinking, but I believe it's possible if we try.

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Maybe I am insecure, but I have my line drawn. And he knew that line as we had discussed it and agreed on what boundaries our relatiohsip would have.

This is what makes it all the worse for me; that not only did he in engage in this behaviour but that he KNEW and chose to ignore it was wrong.

Well if that is the case, than you're right. There are so many people that don't bother respecting the other persons boundaries these days. I am not sure of your age, I am 30 and my generation sucks at relationships for the most part.

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