[blackstrawberry]

My boyfriend has bipolar, although I've never seen any major manifestations until recently. We have been dating for about 10 months, but fell completely in love and made plans for the future. He opened up to me about a lot of extremely personal details of his life his family doesn't even know. At the end of May we moved flying distance away from each other for graduate school but continued to visit each other fairly regularly. By the end of spring we would have the opportunity to once again move and be with each other. Recently in the past couple of months he's been clearly distant and seemingly down about life. He always acted so happy when we were together physically, but our visits even became pretty distant. I thought it was a result of the normal strain distance has on a relationship combined with his stress from school and worrying about what will happen once he graduates. Last week he called me crying for two hours saying this isn't working for him. He says he still loves me, but he just wants to be alone right now. There were no specific legitimate reasons. I'm not sure what to think of this because we share such a strong connection. He reluctantly agreed to a two week break and we will see each other when I visit him during a trip we had planned months ago. We haven't spoken since. Is this the right move? I can't imagine life without him. I love him so much and I want him to be happy, but I'm not sure a break up is best. How do I support him, while showing him I love him, but my love can't be taken for granted? Please help!

[ChipperMonkey]

I think you need to do a lot of research on bipolar disorder and mental health in general.

I have PTSD and if I told someone that I needed to be alone right now, I'd take HUGE offense if their attitude was that this wasn't a specific legitimate reason for breaking up. Yes, it IS a very specific and a very legitimate reason for breaking up. Sometimes when dealing with mental health issues, we do indeed need to be alone. He may be at a breaking point and just need some distance right now. (A huge part of symptom management is knowing when we need what, and sometimes that "what" is simply space.)

I don't think he's trying to take your love for granted. You need to remember that being in a relationship with someone who has a mental disorder requires (yes, requires) you to give a little more in terms of understanding their struggles and making allowances for when symptoms emerge. No, I'm not saying that you should tolerate disrespectful or abusive behavior, but if you think this is going to be like a relationship with someone who doesn't have a mental disorder....you're wrong.

It sounds like you really do want to be with him, so please do a LOT of reading on bipolar disorder. Is he type I or type II? They manifest themselves differently. Is he medication compliant? I know not everyone with bipolar disorder takes medication, but it is one of those disorders that can indeed be managed more effectively with prescription drugs.

[blackstrawberry]

Thanks for the reply ChipperMonkey, and I'm sorry to here about your struggles with PTSD. I'm actually in medical school to be a psychiatrist, so I do possess quite a bit of knowledge on bipolar disorder. I do not believe he falls into the category of type I or type II, but is more of a combination of the two. He is not medicated and refuses to seek help. He also manifests some PTSD symptoms as a result of childhood abuse. However, he strongly dislikes talking about it and I don't know all the details. I strongly believe each mental health victim is different and we can't over categorize them. I would personally treat a patient with PTSD from sexual abuse far differently than a patient with PTSD that's a returning soldier.

I understand what you're saying that his disorder is a very specific reason, but I meant a reason in terms of something wrong with our relationship. I know I need to give a lot for this relationship to work, and I was hoping someone that could relate could help me figure out what I need to give. Many bipolar patients keep their relationships alive by actually having their loved one around despite feeling like they want to be alone. Before the distance when we were together, my physical presence is what really helped him control his depression.

[divine1966]

If the person refuses to seek help then it becomes his responsibility not yours. If he wants to break up then move on. There is nothing you could be doing differently until he starts seeking help. You can't fix him and it is not your responsibility. He also might just use his illness for excuse to break up. No one knows for sure

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[Bill3]

my physical presence is what helped him control his depression

he opened up to me about a lot of extremely personal details of his life

What strikes me about your posts is the budding dual relationship. If you do get a chance to speak with him again, it might be worth exploring whether he can be with you as a lover when the relationship also seems to connect to your professional role as a listener and healer.

[Trippin2.0]

I've been on both sides of this fence, my BF suffers from severe depressive episodes and I suffer from BP. Well I prefer to think of it as I am managing BP.

My BF didn't communicate his needs very well for quite a long time, would just disappear off the radar and suffer in silence.

He didn't feel comfortable sharing his struggles with me, which lead to extremely crazy-making feelings in me.

Finally he grasped the fact that it's better to warn me of pending radio silence...

This way I knew he was struggling, the relationship wasn't in question, and just sent him texts or GIFS to let him know I was thinking about him, without the expectation of a convo.

Myself, I give him and my friends the same courtesy, I tell them when I need a break from people or the world in general, and nobody has given me flack for it. They actually appreciate my candor, and let me know that they'll be there when I'm ready to emerge from my cocoon.

It's one thing to understand the textbook of MI, it's an entirely different thing experiencing it and living with it or alongside it.

The reason I say this is, don't allow our field of studies to fool you into thinking you know what's going on in his head, the reality is, you don't. Because look what it's done, you think you understand his disorder, so there must be a problem with your relationship if he needs space, he must need a viable reason to ask for such a thing...

Him needing space is not a reflection of you or your relationship, just because being close to you helped him in the past, does not mean it will help this time around, our needs morph just as our episodes and symptoms do.

It's a damn good thing to know what you need and when, especially if you have no professionals involved. I went 3 years without any professional intervention and I researched the shyt out of ways to cope and manage without losing my mind.

So I wouldn't necessarily write him off on that basis alone, everything is not black and white.

If you are not prepared to stick by him, and yes this may mean doing it from a slight distance at times, then you might want to rethink staying with him.