[BambiBar93]

I don't know what to do...
So here's the deal. I have always been a people pleaser. I have felt the need to makeup for the choices some of my siblings have made. I just want everyone to be happy. For a long time I was so centered around making everyone else happy that I neglected myself and became so miserable. I became very depressed and attempted suicide (my parents still don't know about this, I'm to ashamed to tell them/ I can't give them something else to worry about). After all of this I did what I thought would be best for all of us. I packed up, and moved to a college that was 4 hours away ( I of course did all of this with my parents blessing). It's been 4 years, I see my family once a month, I have a job that I adore, and I'm getting married in less than two weeks.
Now here's my problem. My mother, whom I love and cheris, really wants me to move back to her area. Where I am living now, and where we are thinking of settle down is more of a poverty area than where my parents live. I understand that my mom wants the best for me financially and that she wants me to move up there but she is being really crazy about it. Any time I talk about looking at a house down here she says that she doesn't think I'm making a wise decision to move to such a poverty ares, and, I think it's because his family lives here, that I need to make my choices about ever seeing my family. She keeps sending my fiance information about getting a job where my dad works, and that they will pay for him to have gas up to there so he can interview. She went so far as to make my dad think that my fiance had contacted her about getting a job up there, so he would talk to his bosses, when he had never said anything about it she just randomly sent him 6 pages of text messages on how working up near them is the best decision he can make. Both of us are getting tired of this, and I've explained over and over again how we are staying here and I do love them, this is just what's best for us. I just need someone to tell me what I'm supposed to do before I go insane.

[Bill3]

I had to deal with that.

I wish that I had said Mom, I am grateful for your concern. Still, we have discussed this over and over and I am not going to discuss it any further.

And then stick to that. Don't discuss it with her.

Mom, I am not discussing that.

I agree with Bill...I have kids and I make suggestions. But they need to make their own decisions in life. So do you.

[BambiBar93]

I have said that to her, every single time she brings it up I say that we've already talked about this. She then goes on a rant about live choices and how I'm going to do what I'm going to do but she wants me to do this because of all these reasons. It's driving me bonkers!

[Bill3]

You don't have to stay in the room.

How would you handle a problem like this if the other person was not your mother?

[BambiBar93]

I live 4 hours away so she's not in the same room. She will call or text me. I have started to ignore her calls and not reply to texts if they are about that but it doesn't stop her...

[Bill3]

Oh! I forgot about that.

You definitely have the power to spare yourself these assaults. You are doing well to ignore the texts and calls. You can also put down the phone. And so on.

I agree, she might not stop bringing it up. But if you refuse to engage with her about it you spare yourself an enormous amount of grief and you give her strong encouragement to stop bringing it up.

[BambiBar93]

Thanks for all the advice/support. I know she's doing all this because she is afraid to lose me. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.

[divine1966]

Sometimes when I read about parents and adult kids on this board I am amazed how obedient other adult kids are. I sometimes think other mothers are lucky. Lol never had that luxury. My daughter is 27, married, college educated and has a career. She does whatever the heck she wants. Always did. She would not bother listening me complaining about same thing. I mean she isn't rude but she isn't about bending backwards

So what it doesn't stop? Keep volume on the phone off and let everything go into voice mail.

I am rather obedient adult child myself lol in a sense that I don't talk back to my parents. But even I wouldn't be listening let alone explaining anything. I keep my phone on silent. At some point my dad ( and he is way worse than your mom) wanted me to move in with them. I said no and kept my phone on silent. Didn't reply if it was about that. And my parents actually live right by me.

She only keeps doing it because you are engaging. You don't need to keep explaining. You did once. Don't engage. Trust me if I can do that then you sure can.




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Granted she isn't respecting you and, logically, I know it's a two way street...but I wouldn't ignore my parents or put my phone on silent or not reply. But that's just me.

I'm glad your fiance understands. Sometimes moms can drive a wedge

Perhaps, along with repeating what you are already saying until you are blue in the face, you might introduce the idea that you would appreciate help looking for a house, etc? You might not want the help at all and you don't have to listen to what she says, but it just might detour her thinking a little.

And good luck on this new chapter for you!

[BambiBar93]

I had tried that before, and it didn't really work out. Yesterday she called me to talk about wedding stuff and then she started going into her little rant again. I started to cry, and I think that really got to her. She automatically stopped ranting and acctually listened to what I had to say instead of brushing it to the side. I apologized for ignoring her, and she appologized for trying to force what she wants on me. I hope we can stay on this level.