[Yismymindblank12]

It's really messed up I feel normal, despite being used to constantly being angry always being caged in and isolated, wanting to find new ways to make more habits to keep me in this cage sane.

When in reality I'm not sane, I'm not getting what I need I'm always either wanting to die or self harm with drugs, but I don't choose to do drugs, I'd prefer dying over that.
I've put myself in harms way and realizing I have medical problems and hoping it would make a difference and my problems would go away.

I would never realize how unusual and not normal that feeling is to most people.

Most people would go outside and do something about it like I do, except when they put in the work I do they get results rather quickly, but I don't get any of that.
that living my whole life treated like a lesser person, feeling as if I work hard enough people would love me.

I didn't want to get ahead in life, I just wanted to be loved and feel that I'm not being lied to and used by anyone this includes my mom with her constant silence treatment of dishonesty. She only cares about herself she can't admit to me she's wrong and she can't admit to me she's trying to ruin what's left of my adult life. She wants to take me under with her, and she's done a damn good job keeping me from doing what I want and need to do in my life.

Many days I would really consider suicide and not going out with my friends, because I can't stand feeling like an inconvenience because of my financial burdens. I can't afford any health care, and I can't get anything done, because of her. I type on here to keep myself going like an addict, checking my phone all the time, I'm just waiting to be saved.

I want my freedom to choose not being patronized like a child at almost 22 and when I get mad and make my own choices she's always trying to make sure I don't get anything that will jeopardizes her laziness. After she works at a desk job for a long time, she takes my dads' hard earned pay pisses it on bills and debt she didn't need to take on and could afford, and also my money too. That I've worked hard on, she's stolen 3,400 dollars and if I reported it now, I wouldn't get anything out of it, because they would think I'm enjoying the punishment or that I am stupid or lazy too.

It's made me just want to die, because I suffered so much before and now I feel I've went through all this hell for this. Being left to work at 2 fast food jobs for piss poor money and sometimes starving with that pay all because my mom owes debt to a fancy tv and other junk she doesn't need or food etc. I really hate my body I hate myself I hate my life, and I really want to starve myself in protest and not eat period. I don't care if I lose my muscle mass or be put on a feeding tube and suffer a lot of physical pain and sickness, I'm already there. Just to prove a point, how bad I'm suffering and so someone can actually save me or help me out of here.

If unsuccessful, I truly feel like my only option is to die. That when I describe this so many times. People think because their are resources and options available they believe they are for everyone they look at the facts and statistics and don't know the truth some people can't even get ahold of the basics of that.

I had dreams, and my dreams are dead as of now, and I only want to be loved and given true freedom and feel I matter in this world not some number to work someplace till I die. I've questioned about running away when I did, my mom did her best to track me down call the cops and always have me in her clutches even at 18 at the time. She's only cares about me working. I wish I could run like my sister did. She had friends and a boyfriend who gave her everything and got her out of the mess I'm still in.

I was abandoned by everyone who says they'll help me. Now I just don't want to be alive anymore. I hate my mother so much. I say I love her to really keep myself idk what the **** I'm thinking. I don't have a way out no college no friends to stay with nothing. I even considered going homeless and stay hidden from the world for extended periods of time and pop up somewhere else and try something new. But that's even harder, so I never knew how weird it is for me to say it's easier for me to die than to live like this. That other people who struggle always are so damn mean about it, and that I don't have a place. I didn't choose to be this way, but I made a choice that it's not what I want to do anymore. I am still doing all I can, but can't leave here and if it's not possible like always when I was a kid, I'd run away and the last way to run away is suicide. People don't understand that rationale unless you're there and no matter how hard I keep myself sane, I can't see my therapist much, and I can't get better treatment to afford and I can't get medical treatment. So when my body finally gives up I'm done.

I never thought when I wanted to grow up all my life, I wanted to die. I did as a boy, but not at the point I am at now. Like I just want to be gone, because I don't have anyone here or any reason to stay and that I know it wouldn't matter if it hurt others or not, they turned away on me. I am free to not be someone else's slave.