[OneInBillions]

Let me start by saying that I have severe social anxiety disorder and have essentially isolated myself for the past decade. All of my crushes and romantic interests in middle school, high school and college were failures -- mostly flat-out rejections. In short, I am utterly terrible when it comes to socialization.

Alright, so there's this girl who works at a 7-11 near where I live. I go there frequently for the delicious Solar Flare flavor of Mountain Dew which is currently only available at 7-11. I also enjoy their particular brand of pizza. What I failed to admit even to myself until recently is that I also go there just to see this girl. I know I don't stand a chance. She's way over my league. But I like her anyway. She's got a cute smile and this purplish-blue dyed hair that suits her very well. I've heard other customers compliment her on her hair, but I'm unable to say anything to her. And it frustrates me.

I think my main justification for my silence is that a pretty girl like that wouldn't appreciate any kind of comment from a loser like me. Now I'm not just saying this lightly -- I believe I fit society's definition of a loser quite well. I'm 30 years old but unemployed and live in my parents' basement. I've never been in a serious relationship in my life and have real trouble communicating with anyone I don't know well. My social skills are very underdeveloped and I am nervous around anyone except my parents. I may have graduated from a prestigious university but it was with a useless English degree.

So I guess I'd like to ask any female users here, does it make you uncomfortable when an unattractive or downright ugly person compliments you? I have a lot of respect for people in general and especially women -- I think "cat-calling" is disgusting and wrong. But I don't know where the line is between that and a simple compliment. More than anything I don't want to be a bother to people. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable because I'm usually more than uncomfortable enough myself.

[doyoutrustme]

Can you try to make conversation about something other than her looks? I personally get the creeps from men I don't know giving me compliments on my appearance. I'm easily creeped though.

Have you considered therapy to move you out of your rut?

[healingme4me]

"It's a nice day, would you agree? " That's a good one. Baby steps...

[divine1966]

I don't understand concept of ugly. No such thing. I get attracted to very average looking men ( to say the least). How men look isn't as much of a concern for women.

Saying that complimenting strangers might not be a solution to your struggle . I strongly suggest therapy

Is there any specific reason you are unemployed? Are you looking?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[OneInBillions]

Yeah, as I thought I'm just creepy. Thanks for confirming this

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by OneInBillions

Yeah, as I thought I'm just creepy. Thanks for confirming this

Nobody says you are creepy. But therapy might be helpful for your self esteem and self concept. Thinking of yourself as ugly and having trouble with social skills and having trouble with being on your own etc could be addressed in therapy

I have to add about useless degree. How is it useless? Plenty of things one can do . You can get masters in something maybe more practical but in a meanwhile you can work any job like retail or service of some sort. My daughter has undergrad degree in English. She never not worked. She tried couple of jobs and now does what she loves and getting masters in it. There are no useless degrees. Even when getting temporary minimum wages job if you gave college degree you'd be offered job more likely than others

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[eskielover]

There may be a reason behind your inability to socialize though you really want to.....going to a T might be able to bring to light what might be behind the issues you are having......& that can also get you the help you might need to work through or with these issues you are dealing with. There is nothing wrong in learning skills....if you didn't learn them when you were young, there is no time like the present to start learning.

Shoot, I went to a DBT group at the age of 59.....I learned skills I never learned growing up....parents aren't always the best at teaching us the necessary skills we need in life & if we aren't really aware of them growing up & try to teach ourselves along the way...no time like the present......or find out why you are struggling with this as there can be very valid reasons why the inability is there....but it helps to KNOW.

[healingme4me]

I'm not even sure where suggested therapy comes anywhere near an implication that one is creepy, or in another thread that it implies pathology or anything similar???

This is a psychology forum, is it not?

And frankly, at this stage of my.life,no therapy is a dealbreaker.

[A Red Panda]

No one called you a creep.

One poster said that they find getting compliments from men they don't know to be creepy. It makes a lot of women (myself included) uncomfortable when a man we don't know comes up and just randomly compliments us - even if it's not a cat call.

But no one called YOU a creep. That's your low self-esteem talking - you grasped on one word, ignored the rest, to fit your own preconceived notions.

You want to talk to her? Start by saying hi, ask her how her day's been going - comment on weather even (you have no idea how many random conversations I have actually had about the weather.....). There are so many other, less potentially-disasterous, ways to start a conversation other than complimenting someone's appearance.

That said - you said her hair is a purply colour? After chatting briefly, tell her you think it rocks. Just don't walk up to her and go "Wow, your hair is amazing!" because that will come off as strange. But if you're up at the till paying and having polite chit-chat, it will be fine. At the same time though - usually people working in the service industry aren't going to be that receptive to people wanting to date them or stuff while at work. But random light conversation while you're in buying something can be pleasant enough as it is without trying to make more out of it - and you seem to want more social practice so win/win!

[divine1966]

Yup. Never too late. My BF does behavioral therapy his whole life on and off, well he has to. The point is if one does it in 50s one can do it at 30

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[OneInBillions]

I've actually been to therapy a few times. It doesn't help. The last guy I went to spouted off at the beginning about all these things we'd do to help reduce my anxiety and develop social skills including group therapy and in-office talks with strangers... And then we didn't do any of it. After about a year he basically just said "well, this isn't working" and referred me to another therapist. Maybe I'm just having a run of bad luck but all four of the therapists I've been to have not improved my situation. Essentially I feel like I've "failed" at therapy.

Plus therapy is expensive. Unfortunately the 6-month fix doesn't work for me. Even a year didn't work. And I can't keep attending weekly sessions at $120 a pop. So I had to quit.

I held a well-paying desk job for 5 years. I hated it. I couldn't stand working in a crowded office where I felt everyone was always looking at me and judging me. I had several panic attacks and finally flat-out quit. I don't have many marketable skills and have only held 2 jobs and 2 internships in my life. I have no idea what kind of work to look for now. And with the job market the way it is, I feel it's rather futile.

I realize no one said I'm creepy, but one poster did point out that they find it creepy when a stranger compliments their appearance. This makes me glad I kept my mouth shut. After years and years of zero friendships and zero relationships, I can't help but feel that I'm inherently broken and should just stop trying. Maybe that's a defeatist attitude and I'm sure it'll upset people. I think I need to come to terms with the fact that I'm just not capable of normal relationships with people!

[eskielover]

Have you ever been tested for Asperger's?.....many of the issues you talk about are very similar to what those with Asperger's experience......not diagnosing......just might be something to look at since you aren't getting any other answers or help.

[OneInBillions]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Have you ever been tested for Asperger's?.....many of the issues you talk about are very similar to what those with Asperger's experience......not diagnosing......just might be something to look at since you aren't getting any other answers or help.

My psychiatrist gave me a "possible autism spectrum disorder" diagnosis. He couldn't really tell, I guess. If I am autistic then I'm pretty high functioning. I got good grades my whole life. Academia I can deal with; socialization is like a paradox to me though. I just don't "get it."

[CopperStar]

I can't help but notice your avatar and the quote in your signature and wonder if you are suffering from schizoid tendencies, like creating unrealistic fantasy escapism inside of your head, then comparing it to real life and concluding that real life just sucks. I used to do that a hell of a lot and had the same sort of thought patterns you seem to express.

[Bill3]

I got good grades my whole life. Academia I can deal with

What about being a professor? Why don't you take the GRE and see how you do?

And then, if/when you are a graduate student, you can take advantage of the university's counseling center.

[doyoutrustme]

What were the credentials of your therapist?

Also, I feel like you are looking for reasons to beat yourself up.

Your gut is correct. many women don't like strangers complimenting their appearance. I don't care what they look like. They can be the most "beautiful" looking person, but behavior can ruin it completely. You sound like a sensitive, intelligent person. You obviously have low self esteem. But there is nothing creepy about that.

I think you should consider whether you are ready to work really hard to move to the next stage of your life. a therapist can be there as your supporter, but ultimately, it doesn't "work" unless You work. therapy is hard work. You can do it, but don't pressure yourself. These things take time.

[Raindropvampire]

The only time I've been "put off" by a compliment/question was jsut because it took me so off guard.

I'm a manager at a gas station and I was making small talk being friendly and the guy just stopped talking and REALLY looked at me and said "You're pretty. Are you being nice to me because it's your job or because you like me?" Didn't know exactly how to respond but muddled through it.

Working with the public you meet all kinds of people so as long as you keep it simple you'll be fine.

[IceCreamKid]

You've gotten some good advice here. I think you should give professional help another try, and mention what you have written here; your comments about past therapy efforts, what your rationale is for not speaking to the young woman at the 7-11; your education but lack of fulfilling work; the possibility of autism. I wonder if you were not so passive in therapy that you got nowhere? Therapy is a joint effort and I do think you would benefit from someone who would work with you to formulate and achieve some goals.

Excuses and hiding in the basement isn't going to get you anywhere but older.

In my opinion, there is nothing creepy in offering an honest compliment: "Your hair is so pretty!" isn't creepy. You could start talking to this young woman by a simple "Good morning" or "Isn't it supposed to rain, do you know?" or some other innocuous remark. Practice really does make perfect.

[healingme4me]

Therapy can be what one puts into it. I utilized health insurance, paid my co-pays, invested an enormous amount of effort into a couple support groups, read an enormous amount of literature, journaled and was introspective and applied what I learned to my life. I was actively involved, for my own sake. Life reached a point where I could no longer continue spinning myself in a circle. The way I see it, the insurance premium alone, is worth its weight in gold. My therapy alone as itself, with just showing up for the hour session, would just be an hour session.

But that's me.

There's familiarity in my even responding to this point in the discussion, not directly with you, yet in my real life, I'm personally expecting a backlash expressed or unexpressed as bringing forth some sort of preachy, negative expression of disapproval. That stated, is why I mentioned, that for myself, no therapy is a deal breaker. Which I'm not saying that you, as a person would, pointing out a communication discourse in my own life as a result of lopsided therapy experiences. Can hinder relationships is my thought. Something to consider.
My apologies with working through my stuff on this last paragraph of my post.

[iwonderaboutstuff]

Originally Posted by OneInBillions

So I guess I'd like to ask any female users here, does it make you uncomfortable when an unattractive or downright ugly person compliments you?

I pretty much always appreciate compliments

The only time it's weird is when the compliment is disproportionate to the relationship, if that makes any sense.
For example, I had a guy I've known for years as an acquaintance, private message me out of the blue going on about how I shine brighter than a diamond, I'm like the light of a 1000 suns, and more. That really took me by surprise

Given the 7-11 nature of the relationship, the fact that you see her regularly, I recommend keeping it timely, something about her that day... like compliment her earrings or nail polish or comment if she changes the color of her hair. Like that.

[Mygrandjourney]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Therapy can be what one puts into it. I utilized health insurance, paid my co-pays, invested an enormous amount of effort into a couple support groups, read an enormous amount of literature, journaled and was introspective and applied what I learned to my life. I was actively involved, for my own sake. Life reached a point where I could no longer continue spinning myself in a circle. The way I see it, the insurance premium alone, is worth its weight in gold. My therapy alone as itself, with just showing up for the hour session, would just be an hour session.

But that's me.

There's familiarity in my even responding to this point in the discussion, not directly with you, yet in my real life, I'm personally expecting a backlash expressed or unexpressed as bringing forth some sort of preachy, negative expression of disapproval. That stated, is why I mentioned, that for myself, no therapy is a deal breaker. Which I'm not saying that you, as a person would, pointing out a communication discourse in my own life as a result of lopsided therapy experiences. Can hinder relationships is my thought. Something to consider.
My apologies with working through my stuff on this last paragraph of my post.

To quote David Burns:
"Therapy is not to "talk about" things, but to change the person's life, and to relieve suffering, such as depression, anxiety, or relationship problems."

[OneInBillions]

I went back today, got my soda and a hot dog, and asked her how her day was going. She looked at me kind of weird and said "fine," so I guess that was a bust. And then I kicked myself for the rest of the day for making myself look stupid, AGAIN.

Ultimately it doesn't matter though. I'm a "broken" person and I don't expect to have a relationship anytime soon. Or at all, for that matter. It just doesn't work for me. Loneliness, ho!

[healingme4me]

Just curious if, that last part is the subconscious self talk about this woman, at the feeling of rejection over a look and the word fine when asked about her day?

[OneInBillions]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Just curious if, that last part is the subconscious self talk about this woman, at the feeling of rejection over a look and the word fine when asked about her day?

More like accepting the inevitable in my mind. She's probably several years younger than me and, as I said before, out of my league. Nice to look at whenever I head there but realistically not someone I could ever be with.

[eskielover]

You know, it's not always about being with the person you are connecting with...sometimes the best practice is just getting to feel comfortable chatting with the person at the register.

There have been many times when the person at the register at the grocery story seems rather grumpy when I dump my cart full of food to be checked out....but a smile & a few friendly words.....sometimes totally amazes me the transformation by the time we are done. I usually have something light & humorous to say about something or give a hand for them to check out my heavy dog food bags.....but living in a small town compared to the huge city I used to live in all my life seems to help also because the people do seem more friendly & open to conversation.

Sometimes it just takes practice rather than resigning yourself to being the way you think you are.....& it is only with practice that change is made so if you don't like being the way you are & you want it to be different....you are the only one who can change you so keep practicing......not even with the thought of "being with" the person....just in practicing being more social.