[littleowl2006]

I just need to get this out...
So I talked to my ex boyfriend on the phone today.
I have ranted so much about the crap he pulled in the past lately, but now we talked and it was actually good. I am not angry anymore. I guess it is a lot easier to complain about someone than to tell others how much it hurts to lose him. I loved him and I still do. Our relationship didn't work out and I got hurt a lot. He couldn't open up and kept stuff from me all the time, and he often acted like a bully. He was always scared that I might leave him and finally that drove me away, I couldn't do it anymore. There was no trust, no openness, no safety. We were together for about 14 months, and it was special, even though there were all these problems. In conversations with friends I can't express this contradiction, it is hard to grasp. How he made me feel so good, like I saw more in myself than I do without him looking at me. I saw so many things in him too, and I still believe he is a good person. He was just running in a very wrong direction and I was very scared.
Now he goes to therapy and he thanked me for giving him a push to change his life. He sees all his mistakes and took responsibility for them. He said that he had never felt loved before and that I was the first person in his life to make him feel like that. I guess it was mutual. He really saw me right from the beginning when we met at work, and he said I made him feel seen like noone has before. I really thought we could make it, but the problems kept getting bigger and bigger.
Now I am so sad about the fact that he finds himself, but we are not together anymore. I cannot enjoy it, I am not there, I wanted him and tried to make it work and we had so much good, but he wasn't ready and he didn't let me in and I had to go, there was just no other way.
I know that the decision to separate was right, it is not about that. But it is just that I have so much grief and I can't seem to manage the pain. I am desperate and afraid and so very lonely. My emotions don't follow my head, and I just don't know where to put all this sadness. I don't know how to be right now, how to act normal in my everyday life, how to exist when I feel so hopeless and broken.
I don't know where I am going with this thread. Just felt the need to share my thoughts...

[healingme4me]

It's a process. ((((littleowl)))) wish I knew the panacea, sending understanding.