[ken1538]

I have a best friend named Tom that I have been friend's with since we were babies. Our father's worked together and we have known each others' families our entire lives. My friend is almost like family and he would say the same about me. We were always friends but we became best friends in middle school. Once high school hit we started to drift apart but we have still remained friends to this day.

I graduated from grad school 3 years ago and that is when started to get excessive both in the amount and types of favors he was asking of me. Prior to this I was always busy with school and work and Tom always respected my time and never really asked for that many favors. Over the course of our friendship, Tom has for the most part been a good friend in the sense that he is a loyal friend and has always been there for me and had my back. I'm not saying he has been the perfect friend but prior to 3 years ago, my issues with him were more minor. I believe Tom has been going overboard with the favors in the last 3 years because I have been unemployed for the past 3 years because of some mental health issues and I think he figures I have nothing to do so he feels that he can just ask me for favors because I have the free time to do them. In the past year, Tom has mainly only contacted me when he needed something from me. I will give a few examples of the favors he has been asking of me.

Sometimes the favors Tom asks of me are small and might be "can you help me with my computer problem?" or "can I use your printer to print something out?", but then other times the favors are absurd. I will point out that I often agreed to do the favors that Tom asked of me that could be classified as absurd because I have problems being assertive and dealing with confrontation and I was afraid that saying "no" to a favor and explaining why would cause a falling out. Now for the absurd favors. Tom had a dog and Tom's girlfriend at the time lived just a few miles from Tom's house. Tom was hanging out with his girlfriend one night and called me up to ask me if I could let his dog out. At the time, I was about the same distance from Tom's house as his girlfriend so we were all in the same city. Because we were all in the same city and Tom was just hanging out with his girlfriend, there was no reasonable reason why he would need me to let his dog out. Tom simply didn't want to get off his rear to leave his girlfriend's place and let his dog out. Tom asked me this several times and I agreed to do it. I felt like I was being taken advantage of and I knew I shouldn't have but I did the favor each time.

Another time, Tom called me in the evening to ask me if I could order and pick up some take out at a local restaurant for him that he would pay for. He asked because he had taken me to pick up my car at a local bar the previous day because I had left the car there because I was too drunk to drive. Tom felt that since he took me to pick up my car, that I could return the favor by ordering and picking up his food. Like a fool, I agreed to this. Last year, Tom asked me to watch his place for 4 days and take care of his dog so that he could go camping with his fiance. I just tried to be a good friend and agreed to do it. Tom did provide me with all the food I needed for the 4 days and he does have a nice place.

However, recently, Tom asked me a particularly ridiculous favor. He was having DirecTV come to his place the next day and he asked me if I could wait for DirecTV at his place so that he could go camping with his Dad. Tom called my house (I live with my parents) 3 times until he got a hold of me. He always does this. He always acts like unimportant favors are an emergency. Keep in mind that Tom currently lives 30 minutes away from me and DirecTV was supposed to be coming sometime between 9am-5pm the next day. I shouldn't have, but I agreed to do the favor. I got lucky this time because Tom called me back later that day and said that it would probably be better for him to wait and deal with the DirecTV people.

My frustration and anger about this has been building for the past 3 years and a few months ago I talked to my other best friend Chris about it to get his opinion on the matter. I told Chris what was going on and he agreed that Tom was going overboard with the favors. Chris also mentioned to me that Tom only calls him when Tom is having relationship trouble. Now, yesterday, Tom and Chris and Chris's brother were hanging out drinking at Chris's house and somehow Chris brought up to Tom that Tom only calls him when he is having problems with his girlfriend. This then somehow led to Chris mentioning to Tom that Tom is taking advantage of me with the favors and that I am upset about it. Chris and his brother both sided with me and tried to talk to Tom about it but Tom couldn't take it and abruptly left.

Tom then drove to my house while drunk and texted me "you come outside'. I saw the text after about 5 minutes and went outside. Tom was no longer there and had driven off. He then called me a few minutes later and told me he was pissed that I talked to Chris about him behind his back and he felt crushed. Tom proceeded to verbally attack me for several minutes until I was finally able to get a word in and explain my perspective and why I was upset. I apologized for talking about Tom behind his back and I explained to Tom that the favors of him asking me to let his dog out while he was hanging out with his girlfriend and asking me to wait for DirecTV at his place were unreasonable and I felt that I was being taken advantage of. Tom then argued that if I asked him to do these favors he would agree with no problem but I told Tom that I would never ask him to do those things because I respect his time and the fact that he has his own life. I explained to him that there are limits to the kinds of favors one friend can ask another. I also told him that he knows I have problems with assertiveness and felt that he takes advantage of me because of this; even if he doesn't mean to. Tom said that I was reading too much into it and that he wasn't taking advantage of me. Tom then told me that I act like he has never done any favors for me and that he has always agreed to any favors I have asked of him. I was not acting like he has never done any favors for me; I just trying to make the point that he has only been contacting me when he needs something and some of the favors he has been asking of me were unfair and unreasonable and that he has not been respecting my time or the fact that I have my own life. At this point I said "I don't want to have this conversation while you are drunk", let's meet in a few days and talk about this face to face. He agreed and we ended the call. This was at about 1am. Seven hours later at 8am, Tom sent me a text saying "you act like I have never done you any favors but, lesson learned, I will never ask you for anything again". Our call ended on a good note and then he sends me this before even meeting face to face.

I know I messed up by talking to my friend Chris about my issues with Tom behind Tom's back but I only did so because I felt I couldn't talk to Tom about it and was just venting to another person about it because it was bottling up inside me. Now I'm not totally sure what to do and fear I have ruined my friendship with Tom. I think I should still meet face to face with Tom with both of us being sober and explain to him my position more clearly.

What do you guys think? Did Tom overreact? Should I still meet with him face to face with both of us sober and better explain myself? Do you guys have any suggestions?

[Bill3]

In the future, if you don't have an uninvolved person to vent to, other posibilities would include journaling and calling a listening hotline.

It is tough to blame him after the fact when you agreed to everything at the time.

One option would be to apologize to him for not being honest with him about your feelings and also for going behind his back to Chris. Just apologize, not dilute the apology by defending yourself as to why youspoke to Chris.

You could say that in the future you still want to do favors (if you do) but from now on you will tell him if you feel unable to do specific requests for him.

And if you decline a request, don't label it as "unreasonable", just say that you can't do it.

Why do you want to continue the friendship, though, if it is true that he only contacts you to ask favors?

[Bill3]

In the future, if you don't have an uninvolved person to vent to, other posibilities would include journaling and calling a listening hotline.

It is tough to blame him after the fact when you agreed to everything at the time.

One option would be to apologize to him for not being honest with him about your feelings and also for going behind his back to Chris. Just apologize, do not dilute the apology by defending yourself as to why you spoke to Chris.

You could say that in the future you still want to do favors (if you do) but from now on you will tell him if you feel unable to do specific requests for him.

And if you decline a request, don't label it as "unreasonable", just say that you can't do it.

Why do you want to continue the friendship, though, if it is true that he only contacts you to ask favors?

Umm, I would be so like, "you can let your own damn dog out, do I look like a dog sitter to you? Am I on poop patrol? No honey, that all on you. Don't be calling on me like I'm your personal assistant or something. Handle your own dirty laundry."

You know sweety, there are users, abusers, and very few that you can call friends. He's not your daddy. Tom sounds like a user, like his true colors come flying through. Dump him girlfriend. You deserve better than that. You need more respect of yourself to take that crap from nobody others. You need to be working on you babe. Let's see if he comes crawling. That's what his girlfriend suppose to do. He can't have it both ways. Do you honey.

A true friend wouldn't be using you as a door mat. He needs to grow up, be a man, and take care of his own responsibilities. You just worry about you.

.

[ChipperMonkey]

1). You need to learn how to be more assertive. You can't put this all on Tom given that you said yes to all of his requests.

2). Tom is indeed a user. You're at the point in life where you learn that childhood friends aren't necessarily meant to be lifelong friends. Now that he has a girlfriend, his friends are only needed for venting to or to do favors for him.

I think it's time to let this friendship go. Don't fall into the pattern of constantly bending over backwards because you want to save a childhood friendship. (Been there, done that, finally got off the crazy train!). The truth is that as kids we have tons of time so our friends always seem to come first or be a priority. As we move into adulthood things change. Some people replace their friendships with work, partners, family, etc as they never learn how to make the transition into balancing various aspects of their lives.

It sounds like you're a people pleaser and you're taking on all of the blame for this situation. Next time tom calls, tell him you're busy. You're not a dog walking service, a delivery take out driver, etc! Friendship favors should be more along the lines of "hey can you give me a lift, my car broke down" as you have done. He needs to take care of his own damn dog and pay for a dog sitter when he goes out of town. Simply letting you eat his food isn't fair compensation. And making you pick up his take out food is simply ridiculous!