[starryprince]

Hello everyone! I hope I'm posting this in the right subforum.

I'll try to make this short and sweet. I met this woman almost 2 years ago at a social event. We got closer and established we had feelings for each other and then she started ghosting really hard. I'm talking weeks going into months. She didn't even know I graduated from college because she just didn't talk to me. Fast forward a couple of months after that when we finally decided to try being in a relationship. This has been my first and only relationship so far. She told me she had bipolar disorder, but after we broke up she found out she has borderline personality disorder instead. She also had issues with drugs and alcohol, along with an eating disorder. She broke up with me shortly after, saying she needed to get help for her issues. Except she never went for help. She then proceeded to try to get me back, but I refused to get involved with her.

Fast forward to now. I recently found out she had a loss in the family and messaged her to offer my condolences and that was it. I was worried about her, since she was unstable to begin with. She then replied and said that she wanted to talk more. She sounded like she was doing a lot better, based on what she told me. She cut down on the drinking and drugs and she is trying to get her life together. However, she's started ghosting again. I haven't heard from her in a while and I noticed this happens when we get closer and talk more. She refuses to accept any help I offer. I should have known all of this. I did know all of this but I was stupid.

The point of this whole post is that I feel so pathetic. When she told me about how much she's worked on herself, I got hopeful. I was wondering if things could work out between us in the future...but she refuses to go to therapy for her BPD or her eating disorder...and I've realized that even though she has worked on herself, she's still the same. She still dumps her problems on me without helping me with mine and, for someone who suffers with depression and loneliness, this isn't good for me.

I feel pathetic for hoping. I feel pathetic for trying. And I regret messaging her to offer my condolences. I feel very stupid. When I make mistakes, I judge myself very harshly so this is hard for me.

Has anyone else felt bad for reaching out to someone who they knew wasn't good for them?

[divine1966]

You can think of it as you reached out as you would for a friend or a colleague or neighbor. Doing that doesn't mean u are asking her to come back. Hope not. She is bad news

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[ChipperMonkey]

Well, number 1....You're NOT stupid! What you are is human....we as humans like to hold out hope for the best and that's exactly what you've done. When she told you that she's been working on herself, you believed her and hoped for the best. Things didn't turn out as you had hoped, but that sometimes happens. I think its a good thing that you chose to remain positive instead of cynical. You didn't do anything wrong. You gave this girl another chance and you found out that she hasn't healed as much as you'd hoped.

You're NOT pathetic for hoping! "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing EVER dies!" (quote from my fave movie.) I think its awesome that you're able to be hopeful for a better future, even if things sometimes end up badly.

You're NOT pathetic for trying! Remember, you gave it your best....you gave this relationship an honest to goodness chance. Things didn't turn out in the end, but its awesome that you tried.....because so many people don't try at all.

As for messaging her your condolances....I think that was a good thing too. It shows that you truly do care about her. I never really understood those types of people who can walk away from another without another care in the world for them (aside from abuse and the like), and just forget any feelings they once had. I think its a good thing that you still care about her. You may care about her for a long time, and again, there is nothing wrong with that. I have people from my past....who are no longer in my life and haven't been for awhile, but I still honestly care about them and wish them the best. If I heard about something bad happening to them, I'd care! (I don't get this impression from many people though....but I could be a bit off.)

I think it would be good if you could try and have some compassion for yourself. Perhaps imagine how you would treat a friend who came to you and told you this exact same story. Would you treat them with kindness and understanding? Could you then use that to perhaps give yourself a break?

I just hate to see you beat yourself up for trying....I think you did a good thing. You tried your best to help this girl, but in the end you know its not going to work out.

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by divine1966

You can think of it as you reached out as you would for a friend or a colleague or neighbor. Doing that doesn't mean u are asking her to come back. Hope not. She is bad news

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No, I definitely wouldn't ask her to come back. Rationally, I know that isn't a good idea and I know we're not compatible. We both want different things in life. You're right, she is very toxic, and I feel bad because she isn't toxic on purpose, you know? She's a good person but her worldview is totally different from mine. Thanks so much for responding!

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Well, number 1....You're NOT stupid! What you are is human....we as humans like to hold out hope for the best and that's exactly what you've done. When she told you that she's been working on herself, you believed her and hoped for the best. Things didn't turn out as you had hoped, but that sometimes happens. I think its a good thing that you chose to remain positive instead of cynical. You didn't do anything wrong. You gave this girl another chance and you found out that she hasn't healed as much as you'd hoped.

You're NOT pathetic for hoping! "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing EVER dies!" (quote from my fave movie.) I think its awesome that you're able to be hopeful for a better future, even if things sometimes end up badly.

You're NOT pathetic for trying! Remember, you gave it your best....you gave this relationship an honest to goodness chance. Things didn't turn out in the end, but its awesome that you tried.....because so many people don't try at all.

As for messaging her your condolances....I think that was a good thing too. It shows that you truly do care about her. I never really understood those types of people who can walk away from another without another care in the world for them (aside from abuse and the like), and just forget any feelings they once had. I think its a good thing that you still care about her. You may care about her for a long time, and again, there is nothing wrong with that. I have people from my past....who are no longer in my life and haven't been for awhile, but I still honestly care about them and wish them the best. If I heard about something bad happening to them, I'd care! (I don't get this impression from many people though....but I could be a bit off.)

I think it would be good if you could try and have some compassion for yourself. Perhaps imagine how you would treat a friend who came to you and told you this exact same story. Would you treat them with kindness and understanding? Could you then use that to perhaps give yourself a break?

I just hate to see you beat yourself up for trying....I think you did a good thing. You tried your best to help this girl, but in the end you know its not going to work out.

Wow, this really means a lot to me. I have a bad habit of beating myself up way harder than I should, but I can't help it. I did really believe her when she said she'd change and that she was working on herself...but the fact of the matter is that I can't trust her because she hasn't been working on her major issues at all. She's replacing one addiction with another. I'm really trying not to get into the "I can save them" mentality any more, but I do truly wish that I could have helped her. She's a beautiful girl with so much potential...She's what I could have been if I didn't have my mother in my life. That's why I feel for her. But you're right. I DID try and there's nothing wrong with that.

I'm with you, actually. I think a lot of people just throw others way when relationships (romantic or platonic) don't work out. But if a person is really important to me and was a big part of my life, I can't do that. Will I be sad that the relationship ended? Of course, but I wouldn't hold any hostility against them (unless they cheated on me or did something horrible, but you get the point). I can't sit by and do nothing when I find out that someone important to me is in pain. It weighs on my conscience.

I really like your advice...If a friend told me this story, I'd get angry at them for thinking so negatively of themselves. I'd say that they're a caring and sensitive person who gave it their all and that's all anyone can ask for. I am going to try to apply your advice to any other future situations that arise. It really helped me put things in perspective. Thanks so much!

[emijec]

I've been in a somewhat similar situation with a drug addict in denial... It sounds like you're a caring person and of course you see the best in people even the potentially best that they can't see. You blame yourself for not seeing the signs but emotions take over. We're human, we want to love/care and be loved/cared about. At the same time if she takes and takes it won't work. It seems her struggles may be dictating how she behaves. You can never win over a drugs and alcohol. They will always have that struggle. It doesn't mean they can't handle any relationship.... Just not now. They have to hit rock bottom and want to rise and work above it, it takes years. But in the meantime they will absorb you. U can't be with or around someone who's currently getting it together. They will dump on u in one way or another and they will act selfish bc they have addictions in mind. And u have to look out for yourself. Nothing is worse than being with or around someone that u love or care about and going through those struggles, and then getting dumped or ghosted bc they choose drugs and alcohol.

You tried your best and u care so much and u shouldn't blame yourself for being that way. No way!

Sometimes you just have to let go....for your own sake.

[AncientMelody]

I so can empathize with how you feel. I have someone with borderline traits in my life. my sister. Thankfully she really doesn't engage in serious self harm or substance abuse behavior. But the intense emotional ups and downs, the push and pull of a relationship with others, yes, she fits that to a t, and including the rollercoaster of talking about getting help and never doing it.

Don't beat yourself up over making a kind human gesture. But continue to protect your mental health. Sounds like you are.