My fiance exhausts me 😢

Hello all.... I am someone who suffers from Borderline Personality disorder who has gotten better over the past few years and is also currently engaged. But the problem is I'm engaged to someone who mentally exhausts me a lot and worsens my condition at times. You see, he has anger issues, can't seem to handle even the minor things in life (such as bills) and cannot even handle me venting or even talking about my problems. Therefore, I'm starting to feel really alone and I'm afraid I'm falling out of love with him. I've lost count how many times I've had to calmly explain things to him and how much literature I've given him on my mental condition and how much advice I've given HIM on how to be a calmer person (since I'm pretty much a calm person and just tend to get sad-- not angry). I feel like I also have to censor myself at all times cuz everything I say (even if it's a joke) offends him. Honestly, I feel like I'm dealing with a child, I am so exhausted (mentally) 😢. Help!

If he doesn't want to change or seek help for his anger issues, you must decide if you can live with this for life.

I think this is not a good match for you. Your fiance will not be able to magically handle the bills after you marry. And the communication issue is unlikely to improve much either, unlike he really really wants to improve it--and he works to improve it. I don't see that happening.

First off...at this point it's NOT love you are feeling for him. You can't really love someone you really don't know. Being attracted GROWS into love when the things we see in the person as we get to know them better are compatible with our own lives, likes, & goals. You are just getting to know this person even though you are engaged.....& you aren't liking what you see.

Got news for you....these things don't get better with time. They just get more annoying the longer we end up being forced to tolerate the bad things until it ends up feeling trapped & having to get divorced which is a lot harder then ending it at this point.

Yes....I went through this myself...way back in 1975. Right before the marriage I realized the red flags but was talked out of them & then talked myself out of stopping the wedding. hUGE mistake..... 33 years later & tolerating (not well) the issues for all those years, I was finally able to leave the marriage after actually being trapped in it the last 13 years of that time. I didn't realize how much it fed into my depression from loosing my career because I hid from my marriage in my career. Depression, suicide attempts....all because I didn't listen to that voice inside before the wedding that flagged the serious issues that he never out grew. I found out why several years after leaving what caused his issues....it gave me understanding so I could stop hating him for what he had done to my life.

I have been free for 8 years now & getting to know myself has been a most important challenge but the best thing that ever happened in my life. Living alone for the first time in my life at the age of 53 has been wonderful a wonderful experience I wouldn't trade for anything....free at last. Don't make the same mistake I did, being talked into believing he would change when he had to when he grew up. Some people (women & men alike) never grow up because they either don't want to or there is some underlying reason why they can't .

This sounds exactly like my situation. I'm BPD and BP2 and my bf doesn't understand a thing. I wish he would at least google something to better understand me. There's a situation we're in right now and he chose yesterday to spew out all the negativity he feels towards my MI. Funny thing is, he didn't get one thing correct that he said to me. He made comments about my medication that wasn't true but if only he would read a damn article once in a blue moon. And honestly, the argument lead to me thinking about breaking it off. So if I were you, I would think twice about weather or not you can spend the rest of your life like this.

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Seroquel 150mgs
Risperdal 4mg
Trileptal 600mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

If he gets angry about bills, that's going to be a long, dramatic life with him! Other people's uncontrolled anger is definitely exhausting and bills are a normal routine part of life. No reason to get angry about them because they will be there one way or the other. It sounds like he really needs to get help for his anger problems.

Update: Thanks so much guys and thanks for your comments. My fiance has finally decided to go into therapy and I recently found out mental illness runs in his family. He finally gave in after I told him how his irrational behavior is affecting me AND himself.

I'm very glad to hear that he has decided to go in to therapy! That was going to be my suggestion. One thing I will say is that its never healthy to identify or label ourselves by our mental health diagnoses. Yes, I have XYZ but that doesn't define who I am or mean I will act like all the literature says. It comes down to your partner not respecting who you are. Do I sometimes explain my panic attacks or emotional responses via my diagnosis? Yes. But, I don't ever use it to excuse or justify behaviors. I am not saying that is going on here, but I just wanted to remind you that you are unique and should be respected because of who you are, not what diagnoses you've received.

Best of luck! Having dated and been in relationships with men that did or did not have diagnoses, I can't say one is better than the other. I am currently engaged to a man that does not have a formal diagnosis and is incredibly limited on his knowledge of mental health. However, he has agreed to counseling with me and has learned to adjust and adapt to the relationship to support me in some aspects of my MI, such as being aware of large crowds, not raising his voice, and being supportive instead of dramatic if I ever get in a super depressed mood.

I wish you luck. You should feel respected and loved, but don't forget that your partner also needs to feel these things. Oftentimes I am so absorbed in my own troubles I can forget that I need to be that support system for my partner. Even if he doesn't have a diagnosis, he still has bad days and can be upset about something. However, unhealthy responses to stress are definitely cause for further inspection!

Does your fiance work ? Sometimes job stresses can also bring out alot

He does work but I feel like he can't cope or handle life in general. I always feel a lot stronger than he is.