Finally Stood Up

Would he consider going to counseling, individual or couples counseling with you? Or both? It sounds like there are some things he could stand to work on, just for himself.

Honestly I have been there myself. After I lost my aerospace engineering career that I didn't understand at the time was me escape from a totally bad marriage, I went into a breakdown that we all blamed on my loss of career. Anxiety turned into depression which turned into horrible life threatening anorexia alone with suicide attempts that weren't a cry for help they were my only hope at that time for escaping the trap I found myself in. None of the professional psychologists nor pdocs could understand why I was reacting so negatively to the loss of my career & even though I knew my marriage was bad & even left several times I was trapped financially where I was & I felt like I was living in hell. Couldn't explain what I was feeling I just knew that something was seriously wrong. I had my horse I always wanted. I got my beautiful American Eskimo dogs, I was enjoying playing my flute finally in a professional group....but I wanted to die to get out of a cage I was trapped in.

Everyone felt sorry for my husband but little did they know, or even really myself realize that he was the cause for it all. I remember commenting at the time that yes, he would come to the hospital, he was even at my side when I came out of the coma after an OD, he would take me to the ER weekly for the horrible migraines I was having....he was always there but it was like he was doing what he knew was the nice thing to do....but he wasn't there emotionally to be a real support. There was no emotional connection ever. He didn't get the gift thing either because he never connected with anyone.

I went through a trauma with the home care person when my mother was dying of cancer & all I got was this stupid look like I was the one that was crazy when I told him what was happening....he said that his look didn't reflect what he was thinking but it was what I was I experienced from him.

Looking back after leaving 8 years ago, I realized that my actions against myself were my reaction against him & even though I fought with him, I never was able to get myself OUT of that bad relationship & it was easier to just HURT myself more than I was already being hurt by him (whether intentional or not)

Getting out was the best thing I ever did in my life. It wasn't until I got away from him (even though he continued to give me financial grief with the IRS & a foreclosure on the home we owned that my name was still on the loan).... I was finally able to get out of the forest & start healing myself.

I know it's harder when kids are involved & that can sometimes make us feel trapped in the bad marriage but honestly what your child is learning from a dysfunctional marriage isn't good for them either. Your hurting yourself isn't going to make your husband change & it's not hoping to help you function better...it's just an expression (& an unhealthy one) of your frustration with your life.

The only time that will ever get better is when YOU TAKE POSITIVE action to get out of this marriage that will never change. Why are you continuingntontorture yourself?

I know why I did....because the house was upside down, the IRA's were used up because when my depression hit I was no longer able to handle the finances & he completely destroyed us financially during that time. I would have come out of a divorce with nothing & not even a place to live other than with my mother who was terribly dysfunctional also. I felt like there was no way out other than suicide but even that didn't work. Ironically it was after my mother died & I sold her house (the one I grew up in) that I could finally pick up & leave....lol...the person who encouraged me to go through with the wedding in the first place & kept telling me to work it out because he was such a nice person ( yes, really he was no different than my father who I promised myself I would never marry anyone like him)....I thought a person with a high IQ & college degree could be nothing like my father...I was wrong.

If you can get out of your marriage, DO IT & stop sticking around & punishing yourself for the way your husband is. If you can get a divorce....get it & get it over with. You will never change him.

I remember thinking when I gave my H a final chance coming to my new farm 2100 miles from where we lived....why would he ever choose "not changing" over staying in the life condition he was totally stuck in. It made no sense to my logical mind....but he was stuck where he was. (later realized in my case that his having undiagnosed Asperger's was played a huge role in the big picture of the marriage & his inability to change).

It was such a relief to be free at last after 33 years. The last 13 after loosing my career were total hell but the freedoms was awesome. DBT therapy helped me put the pieces together & better understand what I went through & why I reacted the way I did thoughnthere could have been a better way to handle the whole situation, I was handling it at the time with the onlynskillsn(or lack of skills) that I had.

Don't continue to do this to yourself. Even my anorexia has come under good control though I still use restricting at times to loose the weight I do gain, I am finally at a healthy weight & even my migraines are controlled on less meds....& best of all....I am finally HAPPY even when I have struggles & life isn't perfect.

By continuing to live the way you are you are continuing to give him POWER over you & you are responding to it in similar dysfunctional ways that I did...definitely NOT a good example for your son to continue living around all this dysfunctional behavior of both your husband & you.

I was pleasingly surprised when my dysfunctional behavior went away after leaving my H. My anger has even gone away & it takes a lot to set me off now rather than being triggered in a moment the way I was after living with the triggers continuously for so many years. Is this really what you want to teach your son about married life & relationships?

Wow, I'm so glad you were given a second chance. You have a farm? What you did is really cool. Thank you so much for what you said. Definitely something to think about.

There's so much more I'd like to admit, but I'm afraid someone may read this who knows me.

Yes, I bought a 10 acre farm. I am still trying to get it set up to get my horse here..transporting her 2100 miles is expensive but finally able to save after how bad financially everything was when I first moved here. I have woods I love to hike through with my dogs ex
Specially when it snows here.

I understand about protecting identity as these forums do show up in google searches...you are being wise