Advice on an Online Relationship

Hey everyone,

It's going to be almost a year since I started seeing and developing feelings for a girl I met while playing a video game. While this may sound really risky and possibly cliched, she was introduced to my gaming group by a very close friend of mine. She lives in the States and I live in Canada, and we both clicked almost immediately. It took me a good four months of talking to her everyday to get the courage to ask her out, however important that particular phase is in the context of a purely online relationship. We're both financially dependent on our parents and suffering from depression and anxiety and fairly abusive parents.

She's transgendered, and was just a year into her transition when we first met. I knew what I was getting into and accepted her for who she is, not who she was or how she looks. I was, and am attracted to her still to this day, and I really want to make this work.

Before I really get into the request for help and advice, it might be best for me to share my relationship with my parents and their reaction upon finding out about my relationship.

My parents are pretty emotionally abusive and controlling, being raised in a very orthodox Indian culture. I only told my mother about my relationship with the girl, and she didn't take it the way I'd naively hoped to.

She said that she expected me to make smarter decisions with my life and that I was making a mistake. But she didn't stop me, per se.

I didn't tell my father. He found out a few months ago by snooping around on my Facebook. I was called to their bedroom and was interrogated for a solid hour about her. He called her an "it" for being transgender and said that "that freak will never have room in this house". What I'd expected. I said fine and walked away, wanting to strangle him for insulting her.

To celebrate one year of dating each other, we decided to meet each other in person, since she'd found a job and started saving up money for a bus to my city. I told my mother that I wish to stay with her for the week of her visit. We needed to see if that would work before we decided to proceed with our relationship. My mother and father started crying and shouting that I was ruining my life and that I was going to meet her and getting raped by her because she's a transwoman.

Well, to cut the long story short, we're not meeting up for our one year anniversary. And given my current dependency on the parents, I can't see her for another year and a half.

This brings me to the core of this post. What can I do to keep this relationship going for the time I'm dependent on these two? I'm currently unable to get a job (applied everywhere, got no responses), and the cost of living alone and being financially independent is too high for me to manage alone. I'm pretty much stuck here for another year and a half. She's in a similar situation, except she's making some money so she manages to take care of her basic needs.

Sorry for the rambly post, I felt like sharing this for catharsis.

Would you consider getting some type of training so you can have a better chance in getting a job? Also maybe dating someone closer would be easier? How old are you?

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Hello CommaDotSlash: Thank you for sharing this story as well as for your acceptance of your transgender girlfriend. I am an older person (around Caitlyn Jenner's age) who has struggled with being transgender my whole life.) So your story touches my heart. I'm so sorry the two of you are not meeting up for your one-year anniversary. That would have been a most wonderful opportunity for both of you.

I don't know that I have any great suggestions for you here. My thought would be simply to keep in close touch via text, e-mail, Skype (?), & even "snail-mail". Send pictures, stories, small & inexpensive but thoughtful gifts. (If the two of you each have YouTube channels, you could send each other private videos too.) Perhaps you could even send a not too expensive bouquet of flowers once or twice. Also, be on the lookout for opportunities to compliment her & let her know she is special.

I'll tell you a story. When my spouse & I were first getting to know one another, it happened to come out that she liked curly potato chips (ha-ha-ha...) So, one day, I happened on a particularly curly potato chip in a bag I was eating. I wrapped it up in some aluminum foil & tied a red ribbon around it. Neither of us has ever forgotten this. It is the little things like this that create closeness in a relationship.

One of the difficulties, in a situation like yours, is that there is always the potential for two people to unintentionally drift apart. But, this can happen to people who are physically together too. Relationships must be nurtured. And you can do so whether you're physically together or not. It simply takes additional effort.

The other thing I would say, though, is that while you can make every effort to stay close, emotionally if not physically, your gf may or may not be able to maintain this type of long-distance relationship. So you should also be prepared for the possibility that she may drift away regardless of what you do. And, of course, you are also going to be operating under the stress of your parents' disapproval which could, over time, wear on you. You'll need to be strong.

I wish you both all the best.

I'm 20, she's a day older than me. The work industry here essentially wants me to have work experience even if it's my first job. Really stupid. Well, considering the sort of person I am, I don't really find anyone attractive apart from her, and I don't think others will find me attractive either. I'm an anxiety riddled introverted hermit after all.

Thanks a lot for the comforting words. I suppose I forgot to explain what we tend to do as a couple at the moment. She works full time at a social work place for a 12 hour shift, and comes home at 10PM. I finish school around 5PM, and throughout the day, we stay in touch and keep talking to each other. It's comforting. When we both aren't too tired of anxious, we hop in a video call and talk for hours on end, playing video games and sharing our experiences. I've got troubles with attention retention, so I can't really watch movies or TV shows with her because I get really bored by them. Is there anything else I can do to keep us going strong?

I suppose it would help to mention that we both talked in detail about all the possible situations that could cause us to drift apart, and we have to qualms over it if it does happen. So yeah, I'm pretty prepared if things go south.

The two of you have been managing a long distance relationship for a year now. Really, just keep doing what you've been doing. Just remember, communication and honesty are extremely important in long distance relationships.

If you are in school that's very promising. I applaud you for that

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I agree with what RomanSunburn said. Online relationships can work out very well. I do not know why people are so turned off by online relationships. I suggest you meet her to take it a step further. Honestly, you shouldn't care about what other people think. You love who you love. You seem to be quite serious about your future too and I hope you'll keep having the same mindset. Your parents may not approve, but they're not the ones with her.
You could send your girlfriend gifts or just set dates every week where you talk to each other for a longer time, when you're free. Keep working a lot for school/work to show your parents you aren't neglecting your life. As stupid as it sounds, follow your heart and not what others think is good for you.

What happens in a year and a half?

I graduate from college. I'm saying a year and a half mostly because I believe I'll be able to land a good job and start the snowball towards financial independence from my parents.

Oh ok, I missed that part. I think that if you two can put in the effort and wait it out, go for it. Are you cool with not having much of a relationship with your parents though? You mentioned they are abusive and it doesn't sound like a great situation but if you move out and into a future with your girlfriend they might not want to be a part of your life. It's a shame that they won't get to know her and accept her or dislike her based on who she is, not some preconceived notion of who they think you should be dating.

Yeah, I'm willing to let them go. All they've done to me and my little sister for the past few years is inhibit us and stop us from becoming who we want to be. All they care about, whether they state is explicitly or otherwise, is their comfort and their societal status. I won't blame them completely; it's a part of their upbringing. But they won't receive any respect from me for calling my girlfriend an "it" and a "freak"