[Sanne]

I am so glad that I am going crazy, my sister has been doing this to me for years. I get so frustrated having a conversation with her, she constantly does not understand anything I say, and spins thing arounds its like I have to explain in detail what I'm trying to convey to her. It leaves me dumbfounded and second guessing what I just said, and usually escalates into an arguement. Just recently we had a episode such as this, she told me never to call her again. Im just tired of the abuse and just may take her up on never calling her again. What to do?

[ChipperMonkey]

Why do you want to be around someone who is so abusive?

[Rose76]

Keep the conversations real simple: "Nice weather we're having. . . . You looked great in that new dress." Don't share your problems with her. Don't explain. You probably are starting to have a fair idea of what topics she gets nasty about. Keep the conversation superficial and you won't get hurt.

It sounds like you are seeking understanding from her. Don't bother. She wants to frustrate you. Stop giving her the opportunity.

It's sad for it to come to this between sisters, but it is what it is.

[Sanne]

Originally Posted by Sanne

I am so glad that I am going crazy, my sister has been doing this to me for years. I get so frustrated having a conversation with her, she constantly does not understand anything I say, and spins thing arounds its like I have to explain in detail what I'm trying to convey to her. It leaves me dumbfounded and second guessing what I just said, and usually escalates into an arguement. Just recently we had a episode such as this, she told me never to call her again. Im just tired of the abuse and just may take her up on never calling her again. What to do?

Incidentally, my sister texted me today requesting money that our father sent to my account. I am surprised she has made contact so soon, should I not bring up the argument and carry on? I feel like when I give her the money she probably won't talk to me. I don't want to keep having the abuse, but I want to have a healthy relationship With her. My husband says the hell with her move on, but I can't cause she is family, am I wrong here?

[ChipperMonkey]

So since she's family it's ok for her to abuse you?


It takes two people to have a healthy relationship. You can't do it all.

Originally Posted by Sanne

My husband says the hell with her move on.

I don't know the other half of the story, but I'm gonna risk saying that your husband is right.

That's exactly the advice I gave my wife once, when she was having trouble with her (mildly) abusive sister. It didn't come to that in the end 'cause her sister backed off and grew up a bit.

But if your sister is that abusive then I think you better leave her alone.

[Rose76]

I have a brother who is abusive. I love him because he's family. But I've had to accept that he will not allow the kind of relationship that I wish I could have with him. He no longer speaks to me, and I am respecting his decision that he wants things that way.

What's surprising about your sister calling when you have received some money that I take it you're supposed to share with her? (if I'm understanding correctly.) My brother hasn't spoken to me since 2013. He'ld call me in 5 minutes, though, if he thought I was holding some money that he could have.

The best you can do, as I'm doing, myself, is to leave the door to your heart open . . . but keep your guard up against abuse. Once we become adults, no one can really abuse us, unless we enable that . . . IMHO. Don't enable stinky behavior by being an audience for it. Promptly disengage when it starts. By now you are able to recognise when that's happening, and you know where it's heading.

Don't bring up the argument and don't carry on with it. What's the point? You won't ever argue her into relating in a more healthy way. If and when she engages you in a positive way, reinforce that by being attentive to her, while she adopts that approach. Disengage when she reverts to antagonistic conversation. Gradually, that might induce her to change . . . or not. She, and not you, will decide the kind of person she wants to be.

I so regret my brother's decision to be the way he became toward me. But it's his choice. I will be forever available to him, if he ever approaches me in a respectful manner. (Were he not family, I wouldn't be.) But I'm done with the back-and-forths we used to get into because they lead to nothing good.

[Sanne]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I have a brother who is abusive. I love him because he's family. But I've had to accept that he will not allow the kind of relationship that I wish I could have with him. He no longer speaks to me, and I am respecting his decision that he wants things that way.

What's surprising about your sister calling when you have received some money that I take it you're supposed to share with her? (if I'm understanding correctly.) My brother hasn't spoken to me since 2013. He'ld call me in 5 minutes, though, if he thought I was holding some money that he could have.

The best you can do, as I'm doing, myself, is to leave the door to your heart open . . . but keep your guard up against abuse. Once we become adults, no one can really abuse us, unless we enable that . . . IMHO. Don't enable stinky behavior by being an audience for it. Promptly disengage when it starts. By now you are able to recognise when that's happening, and you know where it's heading.

Don't bring up the argument and don't carry on with it. What's the point? You won't ever argue her into relating in a more healthy way. If and when she engages you in a positive way, reinforce that by being attentive to her, while she adopts that approach. Disengage when she reverts to antagonistic conversation. Gradually, that might induce her to change . . . or not. She, and not you, will decide the kind of person she wants to be.

I so regret my brother's decision to be the way he became toward me. But it's his choice. I will be forever available to him, if he ever approaches me in a respectful manner. (Were he not family, I wouldn't be.) But I'm done with the back-and-forths we used to get into because they lead to nothing good.

Thank you Rose this has been helpful information.

The best thing I ever did was to remove
myself from the presence of my toxic and
abusive family of origin!



Not easy when it's family, but it is doable!